𝐞𝐮𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐚

10. this must be my dream

matty

i line the needle perfectly and with an inhale, the drug was injected into my veins.

i could have been doing other things, such as doing a passion i have called writing and recording songs, but i guess my fucked up mind decided this was a better idea.

2 days ago, val told me, while i was leaving her house after fucking yet again, that she would be busy the next couple of days finishing art commissions. i didn't know if that was an excuse to avoid me or if she was actually busy. it wouldn't make sense for her to avoid me considering she was screaming my name a few nights ago, but i just let it go.

i decide i need to do something so i can feel that i am being productive and living like a normal human being, so i go outside for a walk in an attempt to clear my mind.

i stop at a liquor store and buy wine, then go outside and light a cigarette.

i am now sat outside when a girl sits on the same bench but a little further away from me. she asks me for a lighter and i am guessing she asks because of the cigarette in between my fingers.

"what's a fine man like you doing alone here?" she asks as i gave her the lighter and i chuckle.

"needed to distract myself, love." i tell her.

"is it something you'd like to talk about?"

"let me tell you 'bout this girl," i say after thinking whether or not i should tell her, but fuck it, i don't think this is relevant information she'd care to tell people anyways. "we're not together. we hooked up many times. we're best friends. it's fucking confusing."

i stop to look at her and she nods at me, as a way to get me to continue i think, which i do.

"i thought she'd rearrange my world, and in a way i can tell she's trying." the girl beside me doesn't know i'm speaking about my fucked up relationship and drug addiction that she is trying to kill.

"takes a particular type of girl to put my heart under arrest," i continue. "so why is this feeling on my chest?"

she doesn't say anything for a while and i don't expect her to, considering i just somewhat ranted using sentences that are probably too confusing for her.

"i'm not quite sure what most of that meant, if i am being honest." she says. "but it seems like you really like her and i don't see why she wouldn't like you as well."

i nod my head pretending what she says is brand new information to me. i knew it was useless for me to tell her anything but i will admit, it does feel good getting this shit off my chest.

"it's like, i like simple things, right? my ex girlfriend was a very simple person, maybe too simple at times which made her boring. but val is far from simple. she's confusing but exciting at the same time which makes me want more, yet i'm scared because what if it's too much for me, you know?"

"you shouldn't be scared." she says. "it's good to change things up. and if you clearly like this girl, wouldn't it be worth it to try something new? you understand?" she says and i nod my head.

she says that and i also think about how gabby encouraged me to do things in the beginning of the relationship, such as drinking and smoking, anything but drugs. when she realized i had an addiction, she never really tried to help me. she only used my addiction as an excuse in arguments. but val barely knew me and she was already trying to help. it's clear that val is the better girl to be with but deep down i know i can't be with her yet. i need to be healthy and change habits for myself, mainly her but also myself.

"i hope that was helpful, though i doubt it was. i'm not really good at this advice shit." she gets up and i chuckle because at least she knows she's bad at advice. "i've got to go but it was nice talking to you."

"likewise." i lie.

she walks away and i think a bit more before i see it is dark outside and i get up and walk home.