𝐞𝐮𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐚

17. the 1975

val

we have not slept in the same room for a week now. i think matty has actually started leaving the house but i'm not so sure. sometimes i hear the front door shut and i assume he's going somewhere.

sometimes i go in my babys room and close the door and i would just sit on the floor, examining everything and crying. i had a whole fucking life planned and in an instant, it was taken away from me.

i barely eat and when i do, i eat food that matty would make. in the mornings when i would hear the front door shut, i would finally leave my room and see a plate of breakfast, usually scrambled eggs as that was one of the only things he knew how to make, on the kitchen counter and i would eat half of it. as for dinner, he would only get take out and leave me some but i wouldn't leave my room to eat it until i knew he was asleep.

another thing i have noticed is the many empty bottles of wine left on the floor beside the couch matty sleeps on. i never thought of him as being an alcoholic but recently the thought has crossed my mind and i'm not sure how to feel about it. the thought has also reminded me of his drug addiction and i hope he has not fell back into that habit.

i'm not sure how long it's been since the miscarriage, i've lost track of time, but it feels like life will not get any better.

kat and rina have tried contacting me many times and i keep assuring them i'm fine because i don't want them to see me like this. they've tried coming over many times but i wouldn't answer the door, and when they would call me asking where i am, i lie and say i'm doing something. even george had messaged me a few times to see how i'm doing.

i'm not sure what time it is but i get a call, rather than a text message, from george and i'm debating whether or not to answer. i'm sure he'd understand that i have no effort to do a task as simple as pick up my phone and speak, but on the other hand, he may be worried and come over. so just so i can get it over with, i grab my phone and press answer.

"hi, love." i hear his deep voice speak. "just checking up on you. how are you doing?

"fine." i mumble, hoping he gets the message that i don't want to speak, not exactly to him but just in general.

"have you heard from matty at all today?" he asks. in fact, i haven't. i usually don't hear from him anyways but he left the house and never came back. i was expecting him to be with the boys so i'm surprised george is asking about him.

"no." i respond. "why?"

"well, he came over for a while and then got a phone call then unexpectedly left. that was a couple hours ago so i was thinking he came to yours but now you're telling me he's not home." he explains.

i'm thinking of three possibilities. he could either be drunk right now, doing drugs, or be cheating on me.

"he hasn't been answering his phone which is also why i called you. would you like me to pick you up and we can check his flat?" he asks and as much as i'd like to say no because i don't have the energy to even get up, i say yes and agree with him.

i don't bother getting ready because i'm not trying to impress anyone, and i don't have the effort, so i stay in my oversized shirt, that is really mattys, and my grey sweats. i don't even bother taking my hair out of the messy bun that it has been in for a week now.

i hear the doorbell ring and it takes all my strength for me to get out of bed, especially now that i was finally comfortable in bed, and i open the door. he takes a look at me for a good minute before he hugs me, and i'm taken aback that i immediately start crying. i haven't felt this from matty, or anyone, in so long that i'm in shock but it feels good.

he pulls away and wipes my tears with his thumb.

"i've been worried, you know." he mumbles and i nod my head. he examines me again and plays with my hair for a while until he speaks again. "we should go."

i nod my head and we sit inside his car. it smells like cigarettes which reminds me of matty. i haven't smelt this in a long time but i don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

once we arrive at his flat, we walk inside, though it takes me a while to get up from georges car seat. i'm insanely thankful that he is being patient with me.

we ring the doorbell once we're outside his door but no one answers. i'm thinking he could be at a bar but i don't feel like going to the many bars nearby.

george calls adam and ross, asking if matty is with them but they say no. he calls matty multiple times but he still does not answer. he puts his phone in his pocket and sighs.

"i can take you home if you'd like. you look tired." he says and i nod.

he drives me home and the whole ride is silent again which gives me a chance to think about matty. what if he ran away because i wasn't speaking to him? or he was in just as much pain as i'm in from losing our child?

we arrive to my house and george opens my door for me and helps me get up, i smile at him as a thank you. "i'll walk you to your door, yeah?"

i nod my head and he walks me to my front door. he unexpectedly hugs me.

"i'm always here for you, alright val? please don't forget that."

i nod my head and he kisses the top of my head. i open the door and we walk in.

it's the first thing i notice when i walk in the kitchen and i don't think george knows yet.

there's 2 empty bottles of alcohol, one bottle of red wine spilt on the floor, an opened ziplock bag of white powder also spilt on the floor, and an unconscious matty on the floor, holding a piece of paper.

no no no.

this wasn't supposed to happen.

the first thing i can do is scream. i scream and don't stop even when my throat starts hurting.

i collapse on the floor, and start bawling like a baby. matthew isn't gone. he can't be.

i feel george hug me from behind and i can hear him crying.

"what the fuck is wrong with you, matty?" i scream even though i know he can't hear me. "why the fuck would you do this?!"

i feel george get up and i see him start shaking matty aggressively, while sobbing.

"wake up, matty." he whispers. "wake up!"

the thought that i could have prevented all this just by speaking to him absolutely kills me. knowing that we could have just communicated and move on from the tragic events instead of me making everything worse kills me.

matty is gone. and it's all my fault.