𝐞𝐮𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐚

13. a change of heart

matty

i didn't mean for it to happen.

weed was supposed to be what helped me through my recovery. for some reason, it just wasn't good enough. cigarettes weren't good enough. alcohol wasn't good enough. nothing was good enough to take away the feeling of unworthiness. except drugs. proper drugs.

when coming home from vals, i felt the unsudden feeling of not being good enough. not good enough for val, for my unborn child, for my mates, and horribly, myself. all i needed in the moment was something good enough to take that feeling away. the only thing that could do that was heroin.

it's too late now. it has already been injected and is running through my system.

i failed at sobriety and i'm failing as a dad and a boyfriend and a friend and a human being. as per usual.

hearing the doorbell ring did not make things better for me. instead it caused anxiety.

i hide everything in a box under the bed and go to the door to see who it is. it's george. i open the door, trying my best to act normal and calm, and greet him. he walks inside and goes straight to the kitchen as i sit on the couch. he comes back and sits next to me.

"how are things with you and val?" he asks.

i struggle to speak and i'm not sure why. i look to the window next to me so he doesn't see me make a fool of myself. i run my hair through my hair and feel sick when i hear his voice again.

"how do you feel about being a dad?"

i look at him with wet eyes because i couldn't hold my tears in. i think he regrets asking.

"i can't fucking do it, george." i throw my head back on the couch as a way for the tears to go back into my eyes but it's no use.

"matty, what's going on?" he asks and i know he's worried and he might know what's going on and now im terrified.

"nothing." i say quickly. "am i too old to be this stoned?"

he chuckles and pulls me into a hug, to comfort me i think and it works. i'm so thankful for him right now.

"anyways, you and val?" he repeats and i sigh.

"i'm just stressed. i'm about to be a dad, for fucks sake." i respond and he nods.

"i'm aware you feel like this, but how do you think she feels? she has to do most of the work." he says this and now i feel stupid for even thinking i'm stressing more than she possibly is.

"fuck, you're right." i rub the side of my face.

we sit there watching a sitcom and none of us speak for a while.

"what made you and val hook up that one night?" he suddenly asks. i'm wondering where that thought came from but i don't ask.

"besides the sexual acts, she saw me when you were talking to her. she came to me and talked to me when she could've talked to you, or adam or ross. we just really connected, you know?"

he nods his head and doesn't say anything once again so i'm wondering if this is about kat.

"or was it her breasts from the start?" i joke. "they played a part."

"you're unbelievable."

he laughs and when he's calmed down, he looks at me again.

"you know i'm proud of you."

fuck, i feel so guilty.

"i can tell you're really trying to cut these bad habits and change yourself for the better. you've come a long way, mate."

i smile at him but stay silent. i'm making sure this is the last time i use drugs.

"and matty?" he says. i look at him. "congratulations."

-

"matthew."

i turn my head to face her when i hear her call my name. "yes, darling."

"i'm only saying this because you know i care about you," she starts. "but i've been so worried about you lately. you look shit and you smell a bit."

i'm not sure if the last part was supposed to be a joke but i doubt it because she wasn't laughing and that made me feel like shit, not only look it. if only she knew i was like this because of the stress and anxiety i have due to the thought of being a dad.

"i'm sorry." i mumble because i'm not sure what i'm supposed to tell her.

"don't say that." she says. "i just wanted to know what's going on. what's on your mind?"

i can't tell her i've relapsed and i obviously don't plan on it anytime soon, so i tell her, "i'm just getting stressed, that's all."

"trust me, i know how you feel." she sighs. i rub her stomach gently and i can see her smile from the corner of my eye. "you're going to be a great dad, don't stress it."

i nod my head though i don't believe her and i don't think she believes herself either.

"we have a lot of planning to do soon." she says once i stop rubbing her belly and place my hand on her thigh.

"i'm aware." i lie. it's quite early to be doing anything major but i suppose she's right.

"i know i'm turning one of the rooms in here into her room and i was thinking if you'd like to do that too, you can, but i guess she'll be spending more time here."

"why don't we move in together?" i say without thinking and she laughs.

"don't you think it's too early in the relationship for that?"

"don't you think it's too early in the relationship to be pregnant?"

"that's your fault for having a weak pull out game."

"hey!" i say with a non threatening point of my finger. "it was your decision to fuck without a rubber. i was about to open it until you said no."

"why would you listen to me, you idiot?" she says, still laughing and i swear it's the most angelic sound i've ever heard that i just stop and stare at her.

"what?" she says when she's noticed me staring at her.

"nothing, my love." i smile. i have the strongest urge to say those three words but i don't. not yet. "i'm just so happy you're mine."

she smiles and leans in for a kiss and presses her lips against mine. she sits on my lap, facing me, and wraps her arms around my neck while mine are grabbing her behind.

she pulls back and chuckles. "i'm so happy i'm yours, matty."