𝐞𝐮𝐩𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐚

18. the end

val

september 16, 2019 was the worst day of my life.

matty was gone. this wasn't supposed to happen. i wasn't supposed to lose both of my lovers. sitting next to rina and george at his funeral was not supposed to happen.

i was emotionless. i spent the past days crying, locked up in my room, so now i have no tears left to cry.

i'm staring at the ground. i am supposed to get up soon to recite my speech even though i don't want to. i had no effort to get up out of bed this morning, let alone to get up and speak, especially about him.

the 3 boys get up first. i can't get myself to look at them. this would be the last time all 4 boys would physically be together, which pained me to even think about.

i hear georges voice first. his already deep voice sounding somewhat deeper and raspy.

the day we found matty was the day we cried together in each other's arms. we were never as close as we were that night.

i've zoned out and i don't listen to what the boys say. i'm so over all this. i just want it to be over. i keep getting reminded everyday, over and over again that he's gone. i understand he's gone. i understand there's nothing i can do. i understand it's all my fault.

the boys sit down and george taps my thigh to get my attention and i look at him. i don't want to speak. not about him.

i sigh and get up, clutching onto the piece of paper that was previously in mattys hand. i haven't let go of it since i first grabbed it out of mattys hand. i look at him in the coffin as i pass by and he looks so beautiful and it hurts me so fucking much.

i look at everyone staring at me. i feel so sick. i shouldn't be up here speaking about him when he isn't here anymore. i don't even know what to fucking say. i look at george and he smiles at me. i don't.

"i loved matthew healy," i start. "i'm sorry, i mean love. i know many people will say it's too early for love but i don't care. he loved me and i loved him. we weren't perfect but that's what made us perfect. we first met at a party and i knew there was something about him that made me think he would change my life. whatever it was, i still let him into my life and i'm so happy for that decision.

"i was always there to help him through his tough times and problems and he was there to help me with mine. it didn't matter what others thought of us. i believe he is my soulmate and that we will eventually find our way to each other again.

"but time changed us. a while back, i lost my child. we lost our child. we haven't properly spoke ever since that and fuck, i regret it all so much. if only i had talked to him, none of this would have happened. nothing will ever be the same anymore."

i stop talking for a brief moment to look up and see most people crying. adam is holding ross as he is crying into adams shoulder and kat is holding both rina and georges hand.

"he will be remembered for all the memories he shared with you and i. for all the times he made us smile and laugh and cry." i stop and look at him and it starts hitting me again. i whisper to him, "i love you so much."

and just like that, his body is buried 6 feet underground and the funeral is over.

i want to leave immediately but of course i can't because people keep coming up to me, telling me my speech moved them or asking how i'm feeling.

kat and rina come up to me and pull me into a hug. i see george from behind and once the girls pull apart from me and kat and george make eye contact, she walks away.

"we broke up." george mumbles when they're gone, as if he knew i was going to ask.

"i'm so sorry." i say, not knowing what i should tell him.

"it's okay." he looks down. "how are you doing? i suppose it was the first time you spoke that much in a while."

i nod my head. "i'm fine." i lie.

he hugs me and i can feel him crying. i can imagine how hard it must be losing his best friend who he's known for so much longer than i've known him. i let him cry into my shoulder.

"i miss him." he mumbles into my hair.

"me too." i sigh.

"i knew how much you loved him." he pulls apart.

"love." i correct him while wiping his tears with my fingers.

"love." he whispers.

"i loved him but he loved the drugs more." i say without thinking. i regret it instantly.

"don't say that, val." he says. i don't say anything.

we walk outside without saying anything else and we meet up with everyone. i'm guessing this will be one of the last times i'll speak to the boys, considering my boyfriend is dead and kat and george have broken up.

"what's that paper in your hand?" rina asks. i look down at the now crumpled piece of paper i've been clutching onto for hours now.

"it's a note from him i found." i say quietly. i hope she doesn't ask to read it.

she doesn't. she just nods her head. "i can take you home if you'd like."

i nod my head. kat is already in the car waiting for us. i look at the boys for possibly one of the last times. i hug them all seperately and tell them i love them and wish the best for them. they say the same to me.

while rina is driving, i'm sitting in the passenger seat reading the note once again. i've read it probably about a hundred times so far.

rina pulls up to my driveway and before i can go, i hear her voice.

"you'll be alright?"

i nod my head and get out of the car. i enter my house and i already feel sick. everything about this place reminds me of him. i look at the now clean floor in the kitchen matty was once unconscious on.

i sit on the floor, the note still in my hand. i gently touch the floor where he once was with my fingertips. i try convincing myself it wasn't me that killed him, but i just can't seem to believe myself.

"i love you so much, matty." i say, staring at the note. "i'm so sorry it had to end like this."

i'm not sure whether it was me going crazy but i smelt something. a scent too familiar to go unnoticed. i felt wind but the windows have not been opened in months. i felt something brush past my arm in a millisecond that i was thinking it was me going insane.

no, it couldn't have been. i'm going mad.

i felt it brush past my arm again and i look around to see if it was something in the house. it in fact was something in the house, someone to be specific.

it was his presence. he was right. he did come back for me.

i close my eyes and breathe in the scent. i smile, finally without forcing myself to.

i knew it was going to take a while, but knowing he was with me, i knew i was going to alright.

the right people always stay, even when they weren't meant to leave.

THE END