Continuing the cycles

When the sun goes down

-Autumn-

I sat in bed slowly because I was so sore I winced as I hit my back on the head board I dropped the kids off at the babysitters house I turned on my speaker and played "like I want you" by Giveon and walked to the bathroom I took my clothes off and looked in the mirror my eyes burned by the tears that were threatening to fall I turned on the water in the bath tub and made sure it was hot enough I got the bath bomb from under the sink I winced at the pain in my back as I bent down I got back up and looked in the mirror again I touched my black eye and swollen lip as I looked away in disgust how could I allow my self to fall in his traps again how did I not see the red flags in the beginning how did I fall in the same cycles as my mom? how did I get this way... I stepped in the tub and unwrapped the bath bomb and dropped it on the floor of the tub I leaned back slowly as the cold tub hit my back I winced I was hurting everywhere I relaxed a bit as I felt hot water sooth the pain I grabbed my glass of wine and leaned further in the water

"See you face to face, I'm thinking 'bout the days we used to be
But I can't make a scene, but I can't make a scene
See you face to face, I'm thinking 'bout the days we used to be
But I can't make a scene, but I can't make it seem" I sang along with Giveon as he spoke words that seeped into my mind and made me realize that Lucas wasn't always like this he didn't always say mean words and beat me like he does now he's broken and this is what he grew up with... the same for me... me and Lucas were attracted to each other because he saw his mother in me and I saw my father in him... Lucas's mom was murdered by his father she was abused by him for years and one day she tried to leave when Lucas was 15 and he killed her right in front him...
I was getting abused by my dad but my mom didn't know he would do little things at first like push me or tap me a little hard then it turned into full blown beatings when my mom would go to the hospital or when she went with her friends and I was left with him but he never hit me in the face so my mom wouldn't see it and he would make me take a ice bath so the bruises wouldn't show the next day... tears fell down my face as I thought back on how I got here how I let it get this far he could take my life and my daughter and son would be motherless just like him.... and repeat the cycles from our families down to our children and their children and their children these are the generational curses of our families Abuse in every form...

I heard the door open I looked back and saw Lucas with some flowers and a bottle of wine he sat it on the sink I looked at him the looked down

"I'm sorry Autumn" he looked me in the eyes as he looked at my battered body I cried

"I can't let you in Lucas" I cried

"I can't let you back in I have to let you go"

"Let me back in what?" He asked confused

"My heart.."

"I let you in once and you broke me you beat me down and left me there alone with two kids and no support" I sobbed He grabbed my hand softly

"I know and I'm truly sorry Autumn I really am I'm so sorry I let you down I promise I'm gonna get help this time I don't wanna keep hurting you" he said as tears fell down his face

"I don't wanna end up like my dad" he cried

"And I don't wanna end up like my mom.."

"So I think we're better off apart Lucas"

"No Autumn-"

"Please I want to be safe I want to know I can go to bed without being in pain I want to look in the mirror and see me not the marks you put on me please Lucas just let me be" he opened his mouth like he was gonna say something but closed it because he knows I'm right

"But I love you Autumn I can't live without you" he said as tears welled up in his eyes he bent down next to me I flinched as his hand inched closer to my face he held my check in his palm I caressed his wrist

"Please Lucas I'll let you see the kids whenever you want but please let me go" I cried he looked at me in pity

"I can't let you go Autumn you'll be mine forever" he walked out the Bathroom as I silently cried

I got up and got my towel and dried myself off I looked at the roses on the counter roses are fragile and beautiful at the same time just like I was but I'm already broken just like the rose when the sun goes down.