Continuing the cycles

Euphoria

Autumn

!WARNING this chapter has substance abuse so if you are and have been easily triggered by drug use I advise you to skip this chapter!

I've been searching for that feeling the feeling when your heart skips a beat and you feel like everything in the world doesn't apply to you and not in a man, not in a person but in a substance, a temporary healing that fills my mind with thoughts of love and joy that I have never felt before all my life I've been the good girl or the good daughter but everything bad has happened to me why can't I catch a break.

"Miss Alsina?" The nurse knocked on the door 

"Come in"

"The doctor said the reason you passed out was that you haven't had enough fluid when was the last time you ate?" I laid my head back on the hospital pillow

"I don't remember two weeks ago I think I tried to eat but I would just throw it up" I paused

"So I just stopped eating all together I drunk water though I think that's the only reason I'm still alive" I chuckled to myself

"Autumn you have an eating disorder it's called  bulimia nervosa"

"It causes you to eat a lot at one point and throw it all up or starve yourself"

"I- I don't want to be like this bulimia is when you purposely throw up I don't do this on purpose"  she nodded

"We're gonna get you an IV fluid tube so you can eat"

"We do have a couple of questions for you you do not have to answer them, but the examiners told me something very alarming, and I want to know if you are okay?"

"They said they found a series of bruises on your body and they can tell that it happened by blunt force"

"I- nothing happened"

"I just want you to know whoever did this to you does not love you" she looked me in my eyes I felt my eyes stinging and tears roll down my face

"Since you are not a minor we have to ask you do you want to press charges against the person who did this to you?" I shook my head no

"I'm fine nurse I promise it was just a bad fall I had tripped at home and fell then I was in the car and I passed out afterward" she gave me a stern look I could tell she knew I was lying but I couldn't tell anyone no one could help me any way she exited the room knowing she wouldn't get the truth out of me I was lost in the cycle of my own fate the traces of tattoos on his Carmel skin drowns the pain his smile his light brown eyes the freckles on his cheeks down to the way he made love to me he always told me he loved me but would never show it properly I tried to make up excuses for why he treated me this way and how I could fix him but it seems he can't be fixed. I knew I still loved him and I wouldn't want anything to happen to him I probably will always love Lucas 

"Babe?" Lucas walked in I looked towards the door and more tears fell down my face

"I'm all alone in this world no one understands me" I covered my face

"No one is there for me I lost everyone even Bri she was my best friend now she barely talks to me because of my brother I barely talk to him  anymore because he's abusive just like my father" I cried

"Everyone around me is watching me as I drown in sorrow and suppression and no one wants to help me"

"Autumn don't say things like that I'm here for you" He grabbed my hand

"No your not all you do is beat me and cheat on me am I not enough for you do you not love me what did I do?! I'm sorry for anything I did to make you not love me anymore Lucas"

"I love you Autumn I really do" he hugged me I laid my head on his chest as he laid down next to me

"Then why do you hurt me so bad" I looked up at him

"Everything I do is because I love you" his words rang in my head those are the same words My dad said to my mom and that's why she ended up where she's at dead.

"When I was 15 I was diagnosed with bipolar depression I used to argue with my mom all the time and yell at her call her every name in the book but I never got the chance to say sorry" I cried

"She used to tell me that everything's gonna be okay and rub my hair when I had a panic attack and it calmed me"

"She helped me heal from my past but she died before I got the chance to thank her"

"But when You started hurting me all her work unraveled you had unsown her quilt of love"

"You know sometimes people that are not supposed to be together meet and end up together which is bad and created toxic cycles for the generations to come because of those two people who weren't supposed to be together" I explained

"Autumn I love you I really do, and I'm so sorry for everything I put you through, but I hope you can forgive me I'm really trying to be back to my old self again."

"Lucas I don't think I can unless you start taking your medicine you are unpredictable I don't know what you'll do any second"

Love is dangerous is all I've learned from my past my mother was in love with a man who couldn't even make her laugh she was in love with a man who only saw the pain she was in love with a man who would take her death in vain he didn't love her but he told her did he told her the reason she would have blood trickling down her lips was that he loved her he told her the reason she was being beat was because she was loved

He tells me he loves me he tells me when I have blood trickling down my lips it's because he doesn't want to see me with anyone else but him he told me he loved me when he was beating me to the last blow he told me he loved me.

No one really loves me.

No one even cares.

I'm all alone and depression is getting to me.

He doesn't love me he doesn't even care about me.

Everyone who cared about me died so why shouldn't I go with them.

I got out the bed and took a pill out of the container and crushed it on the back of my phone I took my phone and brought it to my nose I held my nostril and sniffed the line I drew my head back in satisfaction and laughed I wiped my nose and got ready for the next line until Lucas came in there

"Autumn what the hell are you doing?!" I laughed at him and wiped the residue off my phone and licked my finger

"What it's not like you care about me anyway" I pushed him out of the way and laid back in bed

My whole life I have been searching for this feeling. The feeling of euphoria