A Comeback when the First Tear Dropped (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 21

Ika-dalawampu't Isang Kabanata

#ACWTFTDLongTime

"Magtatampo na talaga ako sa 'yo kapag hindi ka pumunta sa first birthday ni Sera," Haisley told me while pouting her lips.

"I'll try, Haisley," I replied as I sipped my coffee.

"Come on, Kren. You also said that when I invited you sa baby shower and gender reveal ng first baby ko. I won't let you do it again this time," She said seriously. "Hey, it's been three years. Tumigil ka na sa kakapagod sa sarili mo sa trabaho. It's time to face the reality," She continued.

Bigla akong natahimik. I know she's right pero parang ayoko pa rin mulatin iyong sarili ko sa reyalidad. I know I've been selfish sa lahat ng tao sa paligid ko but I also needed to save my self.

"Pumunta ka lang noong binyag ni Sera tapos hindi ka na dumiretso sa reception," She said sadly. I feel guilty and bad about it. Totoo naman kasi. Pagkatapos noong binyag ni Sera, umalis na kaagad ako dahil ayokong magtagal sa event.

I also don't know why I have done those shits. Ni hindi ko nakuhang magpakita sa mga kaibigan ko sa mga biggest events nila sa buhay. Ang tanging naalala ko lang sa loob ng tatlong taon ay nagpaka-subsob ako sa trabaho para maka-iwas sa lungkot at sakit.

I just don't like the idea of being happy again. I mean, after nang lahat ng nawalang tao sa buhay ko, may time pa ba ako para ngumiti? Para mag-saya? For some reason, meron pa siguro pero nakokonsensya ako sa tuwing sinusubukan kong maging masaya. Para bang sa kabila ng lahat ng sakit, bakit ko nagagawang maging masaya?

I already lost two important people in my life and I don't wanna add more. Sobra na. I  think three years were enough for me to say that I am completely healed but am I really completely healed? O baka sinasabi ko lang na okay ako kahit ang totoo ay hindi? Sino bang niloko ko? Kailan ko ba nagawang lokohin ang sarili ko? I just wanted to forget how cruel my life was but how am I supposed to do that if the pain is trying to destroy me for the past three years?

"Kailan nga ulit 'yong birthday ni Sera?" I asked her. Nakita ko na biglang lumiwanag iyong mukha ni Haisley.

"Sa September pa naman pero I need to invite you one month advance para sure na pupunta ka talaga, duh," She said, rolling her eyes.

"August pa lang ngayon. Haisley naman!" I said in irritation but she just laughed and gave me the invitation.

"Wala nang atrasan, Kren. Pumayag ka na so baby Sera will expect her tita Kren to come and join her first birthday party," She said in a very excited tone.

"What date again?" I asked.

"September 11."

Fuck.

Hindi ko alam kung ano pang sakit iyong mararamdaman ko. Iniisip ko pa lang iyong araw na 'yon, nasasaktan na ako. Paano pa kaya kung nandoon na ako sa mismong araw na iyon? Pakiramdam ko, mahahati iyong katawan ko sa dalawa.

May parte na naman sa akin na makokonsensya kapag nagawa kong mag-saya sa birthday ni Sera. Ewan ko ba, minsan ako na lang mismo iyong bumabaliw sa sarili ko, e.

"That wasㅡ"

"Alex's death anniversary?" Haisley cut me off and she continued saying what I wanted to say.

I nodded.

"I know, Kren pero 'wag mo naman ipagkait sa sarili mo iyong saya. You also deserves to at least smile and live the happiest life you could do," She said, smiling at me.

I smiled at her bitterly. "But I already told you years ago, Haisley, that how am I supposed to live happily when the reason of my happiness is no longer existing?"