The Dreamer

Chapter 34

Matthew was standing in the waiting room, eyes on his phone. Sarah arrived and hugged him, to everyone's surprise. They shared a daughter and had almost lost her; the relief in the hug was palpable to both.

"Is she in her room?" Sarah asked.

"Yes, getting ready to go home," Matthew muttered. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at Sarah in the eyes. "Listen. This is going to break your heart, no doubt. I am sorry, but Jessica doesn't want to talk to you."

"What? No, she, no," Sarah said incoherently. She looked at Damon and back at Matthew. "But."

"What you did was heroic, Sarah," Matthew said.

"I don't care about being a hero; I care about having my daughter back," she said. She felt Damon hand holding her back. She leaned her face on his chest and let out a whimper.

"Give her some time. She is just a child and doesn't know how to handle the whole situation."

"You told her I hit her, didn't you? You told her why I lost her?" Sarah said between clenched teeth.

"Jesus Christ, Sarah. Just go home and relax a bit, give her time," Matthew sighed.

"Answer my question," she demanded loudly, to which a nurse shushed her.

"No, I didn't," Mathew whispered. He looked down and sighed. "I am sorry Sarah. I should have said this years ago, but I hope it's not too late. I wish I had made an effort to understand you and support you back then. You didn't deserve losing your daughter." He shut his eyes closed and looked away.

"I'll give you some time," Damon said and walked away.

Sarah took a breath before replying. "I don't know what to say." She kept quiet for a little bit.

"I am sorry I accused you of telling her. You are a good man Matthew, and all you have done was for love to our daughter. We can't take back the past, but we can work in a better future."

He nodded. "I think I can help you with that. She may not like this, but I will do it anyways. Give me your phone."

"My phone?" She unlocked it and handed it over a bit hesitant but also curious.

"I am adding her number, so you can try and reach her out," he said while he tapped on the screen. "I don't recommend you to do it too much, and maybe just test the waters first. I will tell her I gave you her number, so when you contact her, she will be better prepared to respond calmly instead of emotionally." He handed the phone back.

"Matthew," Sarah was speechless and deeply moved. "You are indeed a good man."

He shook his head and his eyes filled with tears. "Sarah. I am a walking lie."

"She left, didn't she?" Sarah had wondered where Katherine was at the moment of the accident. It was obvious.

He nodded. "Actually I told her the truth and in a way I am the one who asked her to leave."

Sarah grabbed his hand and ushered to a couple of chairs isolated from the main room. "What is it Matthew?" She touched his shoulder gently. "What is happening? You are so different than years ago."

"Sarah, I," he stammered. "I am," few tears came out in sobs. "I am gay, Sarah."

She let go of his shoulders. Her eyes were wide and a small smiled appeared in her face as if this was a joke, but quickly it vanished. She nodded hesitantly. "Ok." She tilted her head to the side and just stared into his eyes. "Um"

"I know this is hard to hear, but it's the truth." He covered his face with his hands. "I can't bring myself to telling Jessica. I don't know how to do it, or even if it matters."

Sarah stared intently. "How long?" She managed to ask.

"Always," he shrugged, trying to smile among tears. "I never cheated on you, or on Katherine, but it was always a part of me I didn't want to see. Finally, few years back I started recognizing to myself that it was real, and then eventually I had to tell Katherine." He sank in his chair.

"Matthew," Sarah was able to speak again. "I can't believe what you have been through." She extended her arms around him and hugged him; he responded by lingering tightly.

He smiled. "It has been incredible, so amazing and also very hard to manage. The night when it all happened, I was out." He looked away. "I am ashamed to admit that I was looking for a man's touch at the worse places. I am getting old and sometimes I fear to never experience what calls me just out of fear."

"Don't be ashamed. It's never too late to figure out who you are, and what you like." She said.

"I am just afraid of losing her. Now I understand how you feel," he admitted.

Sarah swallowed hard. A part of her always wanted to have her daughter back and for the roles to be reversed, but now that she could see it possibly happening, she could not bring herself to even picture Matthew losing her too. He had devoted to her upbringing his entire life. It was just not fair.

"She is your daughter; you raised her; she loves you. Nothing like that is going to happen," she said encouragingly even though by default, it meant there was no way Jessica would forgive her.

"I am already losing her. Owning my truth helped me turn my life around. I can finally be me, but if the price is my daughter, it's not worthy."

"Why do you think she would leave you just for being gay?"

"It's not just because I am gay. The change it implies could drive her away. After Katherine left, Jessica has been expending more and more time with her, sleeping there often. And trust me, Katherine is a blessing. She took it all with compassion. It's not like she is trying to steal my daughter. Jessica simply needs a," he paused, "she needs a mom more than a dad."

Sarah remembered that day when she first saw her daughter. A woman dropped her off. Surely Jessica stayed the night at Katherine's. Maybe he was right, and Jessica needed a mother now more than anything else. In that case, they both were now in the discarded bin. Dealing with a resentful teenager was nightmarish. She had to deal with the contrast of loving her unconditionally and the frustration of being at the receiving end of all mistreatment and unfairness.

She sighed. "Matthew. She is no longer a baby. You raised her to live by a set of values. She will honor those values thanks to you. And if she doesn't, then she will have to learn a couple of lessons here and there."

He looked at her surprised. She was even more surprised at herself. That had been a very detached answer, as if she was no longer talking about her daughter. That applied to her too; she had saved Jessica's life, and that was what mattered whether Jessica welcomed her back in her life or she didn't.

He nodded, and so did she, both still processing the reality, that they both had done all they could to keep the loving bond with their daughter.