The Dreamer

Chapter 39

"It's 17.49," Sarah said flatly to the woman standing in front of her.

"Hold on," the woman said to someone in the phone. She pressed the phone between her shoulder and ear while opening her large purse. She looked through the bag for a whole minute until she found a tiny purse. "Hold on Karen, I am at the register." The woman pulled a twenty dollars bill and then handed it to Sarah. "You said 49? Hold on. I have change." She checked for loose change, first a quarter, then a dime, and then lots of pennies. She handed Sarah the exact change and continued her phone conversation. Just before Sarah was able to enter the money in the system, the woman screamed, "Oh wait, I have some coupons."

After that customer left, Sarah charged two more and then there was nobody else in the lane. She leaned on top of the register, her feet aching, and her legs feeling sore for the long hours standing, day after day. I should have been more grateful when I could work sitting down.

"Sarah could please close the register and help in produce for an hour or so, the next shift is late," her supervisor said as he walked away.

She nodded and walked to the produce section. It was fairly easy to keep it all clean and to remove what needed to be removed. She was a mess at the beginning; she couldn't even handle the temperature in the area, but after a whole month, she was much more comfortable. Paycheck is coming. She had still some savings left, but as things were very uncertain, it was best to earn a living to pay her bills instead of running out of savings.

She picked some cabbages that were too old to be sold and took them to the back, coming back with a cart filled with new cabbages. She placed them as she had been taught by a young man named Derek in her first week. Derek didn't care much about details, so she had a learning curve to go through before she could be this comfortable on her own. As she placed and rearranged vegetables she let her mind travel to the days she studied agronomy. How life would be if she had stayed in that path? She would be probably directing a farm now, sitting a desk while someone in the fields handled the vegetables and all the hard tasks. Her life would probably be as it was while working as a Process Manager.

She sighed in despair. It seemed that no matter what she did she was destined to feel a sense of emptiness and purposelessness. Be it corporate, in either field, or just holding a regular job, it all felt the same. An hour and a half went by and the replacement came in. Sarah didn't interact much with anybody, so there were no needs for goodbyes. She pulled her phone from her pocket, which was strictly prohibited, and saw it was already close to seven. She was supposed to leave at five, but the guy ended up showing much later.

She walked out of the supermarket as if walking away from jail, but jail was in her mind. She at least could see that now. She had been a prisoner at her previous job as much as she was here because all along the only real prison had been within.

She walked to her car and drove for about ten minutes back home. That was an awesome benefit; she was so close from home. Riding the buses was now an inconvenience. There were so many unnecessary turns that it was faster and easier to drive. Five miles later she was walking into her tiny apartment and sitting down in front of her TV. She closed her eyes for a minute and tried to relax her shoulders, but they quickly tightened when she heard her neighbors fighting to the point glassware was shattering. She sighed out of frustration and turned on the screen to silence the sounds from the wall.

Her phone starts ringing and she is tempted to silence it by hanging up, but she sees Ali's name in the screen and can't help but picturing also her smile. She couldn't hang up on her. Ali recommended her for the job in an effort to help Sarah see if working with the public was where she would fit best. Now she knew the answer was no, but she remained there for the time being, simply because leaving would put her back in a place of stagnation where she wasn't really doing anything or going anywhere.

I am so grateful I have your friendship, and that you got me the job, but not now. Sarah took the phone to her room to plug it in the charger. Every step sent pins and needles up her legs. I took my comfy chair for granted. She almost laughed at herself.

As she plugged the phone, it chimed and the screen turned on. There was a text message from Jessica. She opened it. I am expending the weekend at your place. And a smiley emoji.

She lay in her bed and closed her eyes. She didn't feel the excitement she had felt when she started building a relationship with her daughter. There was no sadness or happiness or anything, just a numbing exhaustion. She felt like whimpering, but she couldn't even get herself to do that.

"What's wrong with me?" she whispered. "I have my daughter at last. I have a great friend, and I am trying new things, yet something is still missing." She put her hands on her face. Maybe I need romance in my life. She pictured Damon. He sure was dating someone else now. He would not stop and wait for her to change her mind. He was the kind of man who moved always forward and never backwards.

Maybe I could go back to therapy. I would be expending extra money, but it can help. She kept her eyes closed and her hands on top of them.

She forces herself to reply the text. Excited to see you. Will plan something. She had failed Jessica for so long as a mother and now she couldn't provide financially.

"Ok I am being too harsh on myself," she said aloud and stood up, walked into the shower and turned on the hot water.

She stood under the water, letting it dissolve everything that was just holding her down. The water flowed through her body as she kept her eyes closed. A voice within her said surrender to the process. She was aware of how much she tried to control things and to get clarity, but what would happen if she shut down her mind and simply listened, the clarity may come easier than if she chased it.

The water went on while she listened to the silence within. The voices of the screaming match next door disappeared and melted in the water. She just listened and waited and let things go.