The Dreamer

Chapter 36

Sarah woke up from her dream feeling lightheaded and lost. She recognized her surroundings and grabbed her yellow journal to write it down. There were no many details about it other than the warm embrace of Jessica. It felt much warmer considering that Jessica started the embrace.

She got out of bed, made some breakfast, and checked her phone. There was no text from Jessica, or from anybody for that matter. For the last two weeks, she had attempted to rebuild a relationship with her daughter while at the same time trying not to push her too much.

She had sent five texts after her first one. She had tried to offer support, offer friendship, offer herself as an acquaintance, every time decreasing the amount of emotional demand, until she stopped altogether about four days ago. She finished breakfast, did the dishes, and tidied up a little bit. Her days had turned into a routine lately. The only things that changed constantly were her decreasing bank account and her increasing job applications.

However, she was well aware that the only reason she applied for jobs was because the bills wouldn't pay themselves. There was no passion or love for the idea of getting back to the corporate world. The moment to decide what path her life would take became increasingly close. I am not twenty. I must take this seriously.

Her phone vibrated and she reached for it quickly, expecting an answer from Jessica. It was Andrew; he asked how she was. Sarah replied she was fine and asked him the same in return. They had actually turned into siblings. It was strange how they had connected by sharing a mother that they didn't really share, and with whom she actually didn't have a relationship. They exchanged few more texts and agreed to hang out on Friday. She looked at her calendar and noticed that it was already Wednesday. Since the days merged one into the next over and over, she no longer kept track of the day.

She then put her phone aside and went into the annoying task of applying for yet more jobs. She received a couple of offers for interviews, but she quickly ignored them. It just didn't feel right. She sighed in frustration and closed the laptop. She walked to her window and observed people, like she had started to enjoy recently.

Again, most people were in a hurry, but here and then, she felt some people walked with a different purpose. It was as if they were fully themselves; they walked complete. Sarah wondered what they did, how they found what they were meant to do. Over the weeks, she started a cooking class, had joined a webinar interview with a university to move into business administration. She made plans to go backpacking Asia, and considered buying a van to explore the country. She considered selling all her belongings and starting over in California, and then she changed her mind, and considered Arizona. So her days were filled with constant mind chatter.

Through yoga, she started meditating often. And even in meditation, her mind was often cluttered with anticipations of the future. Just let things be, she told herself. Answers will come when you are ready. That helped her, but not for long.

That Friday, she drove to Martha's apartment and waited for Andrew in the car. She felt uncomfortable walking inside. Few minutes later, Andrew came out and Martha followed behind. She wasn't the image Sarah had seen the last time. Martha seemed much more centered and even happier. I guess all monsters are angels to other people. Martha looked at Sarah as Andrew came to the car and hopped into the passenger seat. Martha stood at the door and waved her hand while smiling gently. Andrew waved back while Sarah simply stared, feeling that the wave was actually meant for her. Sarah turned away and drove.

When they were ten minutes into the drive, Sarah observed the parallels. Just as Jessica was blowing her off, Sarah was doing the same to Martha. Forgiving felt like an impossible task, yet it gave her a window into what Jessica could also be feeling. Maybe just as I want to find within me forgiveness for my mother, Jessica also wants to find the same for me.

Andrew talks nonstop while Sarah just nods or shakes her head. She was no sure on how to interact with a teenager; almost everything he said was something she could hardly relate to, his friends, school, and a pet he wants but there is not enough room in the apartment. They finally come to a thing in common.

"How was mom when she was younger?"

Sarah almost hit the brakes when she heard the question. She wasn't ready for it. She giggled uncomfortable and rubbed her head, not sure on what to say.

"I know your relationship isn't the best," he said. "You can tell me. I know you might tell me something I won't like to hear."

"Well," she started. "She was..." she hesitated but then decided that there was not point hiding the truth. "She wasn't what she is now. She hurt me and my sister a lot."

"I have another sister?" He jumped in his seat excitedly.

"Had," Sarah said while shaking her head. They were quiet for few seconds until she decided it was her duty to tell him about her. She went in detail about who Sophie was, her kindness, her loving vibe, her ease in deeply connecting with others. Andrew remained silent and with his gaze in the horizon. Sarah explained how she died and how much she missed her sister.

"Mom hurt her too," Andrew commented a couple of minutes later.

"No, don't say that," Sarah said.

"She did. We know she did, and she knows so too. I could have another sister. I could have grown up with two sisters," he protested.

Sarah stopped the car and turned to face him. "Your mother loves you. She is fixing her problem just out of love for you and nothing else. Whatever her past, it doesn't concern you. You can't judge her based on someone she isn't anymore. Now don't make me regret telling you."

Andrew bit his lip and looked away. "You know. I have never met someone whose mom was older." He looked away.

Sarah kept quiet and set the vehicle back in motion. She avoided commenting on that for the rest of the ride and decided to leave it to Martha. A part of her was also shocked to know she had defended a woman she herself had judged for years.

They arrived at her place. She had rented a movie for the evening and was planning on ordering takeout. Maybe she would take him bowling or to mini-golf. She would just flow with it. Sarah looked at the time but her phone was dead so Andrew informed her it was almost 3:00. They had plenty of time for it all.

Sarah offered him a soda and some blueberry scones. She always had blueberry scones available. He decline politely and sat on the sofa, observing his surroundings carefully.

"You must be rich," he said at last.

Sarah chucked. "Not at all." She reflected on how she had built a beautiful material life, that suddenly wasn't enough or at all what she really needed; she had built a life without a true purpose.

"Sarah," Andrew's voice came urgently. She turned to face him. He narrowed his eyebrows in concern. "Someone is ringing the bell. Want me to open? I called you many times, are you alright?"

"Yes," she nodded, and walked to the front door. She saw through the peephole a tall man. Is that Matthew?

She opened the door and found Matthew smiling in front of her, and Jessica standing behind him. She took few steps closer and handed Sarah a box of chocolates. Then she walked past her and went into the living room.

Sarah stood perplexed, examining the chocolates. She looked at Matthew. He shrugged and smiled softly.

"We though you may want to expend some time with Jessica today," he said hesitantly.

"What? Really?" She said, still in shock.

He nodded. "We tried calling, but your line was out. We brought you chocolates. They are actually blueberries. I don't know if they are covered in chocolate, or it's just a blueberry flavor." He looked at her. She remained silent. "Maybe try it and let me know. We can bring something else next time."

"Matthew," she said at last. "Thank you. This is just fine. I am just surprised."

"Right. Sorry I was babbling. This is just new for me too, and I am really excited that you can get to know her." He hugged her. "Call me if you need anything. I'll pick her up later tonight."

He left and Sarah closed the door behind her. She turned to see two teenagers sitting in her living room; both had their phones in hand. She sighed. I am doing this.