Redamancy (d.m)

Chapter thirty eight-five days

TW:SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

I allowed myself only five days to mourn. I would've loved nothing more than to lay in bed and drift into eternal sleep, where the constant torment of excruciating pain was a distant and forgettable memory. As easy as it could be, as much as I desired it, I refused to lose myself.

Day one.

It was the worst one. I demanded, above all, solitude. My friends were not keen on this, but I didn't have the patience to take into consideration what my friends were keen on. Anyone who tried to renter my dorm after being told to leave was hexed instantly and viciously. I did absolutely nothing the entire day. I did not get up except to relieve myself or stumble to the window, contemplating throwing myself out of it. I was most terrified, not of the prospect of Lord Voldemort returning, but of my own thoughts. I lay in bed, but never slept. My hair was dry and tangled, I did not brush it. My clothes were in need of washing, I didn't change. The stars appeared, and I felt a minuscule amount of peace from their twinkling light.

Day two.

I finally let Harry in, and he held me for hours. He asked me to come to the bathroom. I did. He pulled up a small wooden stool, a bucket, and a bottle of shampoo. He bent my head over the bucket and washed my hair, gently but efficiently. When he was done, he dried it off with a towel and ran a comb through it slowly, picking apart each knot with care. When he was finished, he kissed my forehead and left. When nighttime came, I wrapped a silk night robe around my thin frame and walked barefoot down to the kitchens. The elves were surprised to see me, and even more so when I spoke

"If it's not too much of a bother, I was hoping to get some food, whatever you have leftover..."

They were happy to bring me what I requested, a small box of rolls, sliced meats, chicken pot pie, roasted vegetables, and onion soup.

"And two bottles of butterbeer, please"

I carried the food and drinks up the winding staircase, arriving at the astronomy tower. I set it down gently at the edge of the observation deck, slipping my bare legs through the railing and letting them hang down. I drank both bottles of butterbeer. I didn't touch any of the food.

Day three.

I was starving, but the sight of food repulsed me. I changed into newer versions of the same clothes, slowly pulling on my robes and leaving my tie on the ground. I ignored the murmurs and looks of shock at my appearance in the great hall, I walked fast, with my eyes focused on the high table in the front.

"May I speak with you, Professor?"
"Of course you may, follow me please"

Professor Dumbledore lead me up to his study, I took a seat facing him.

"What is it you would like to talk about, Miss Lestrange?"
"My mother" my voice was dull, with a tinge of shame, "she'll want me to join her"
He nodded calmly, before responding, "and do you plan to?"
"Of course not"
"I have a proposition for you, Miss Lestrange. Keep in mind, this will require much mental strength, and will not be easy by any means. However, I believe you're participation is essential to the defeat of Lord Voldemort"

My attention was intruiged, and I asked him to elaborate

"Are you aware of the association called the Order of the Phoniex?"
I nodded
"Are you aware of Severus Snape's role in the Order?"
"What? Snape?"
"Severus is, and it is vital that you do not repeat this to anyone, even Harry, a double spy for the Order"
"So he's pretending to be loyal to Voldemort but is really on our side?"
"That is correct"
"But how do you know he's faithful to the right side?"
"That is information I am afraid I am unable to divulge, but rest assured, it is absolute"
"And how does this information pertain to me, sir?"
"I believe you would make a successful double spy, along with Severus"

I remained sullen and silent, and his eyes showed suprised. I was sure he expected a louder reaction, but I quite understood the proposition. I mulled it over, and it made sense. I was Bellatrix's daughter, my alliance with the dark side wouldn't even bring a second glance. I would be trusted-welcomed, even. My developed talent for Occulemncy would also be an added positive.

"I'll do it"
"Excellent. You'll join the death eaters, like Severus. Remember, you'll need to keep up a universal disguise. You must never falter in your act. Your lies must be witty, and your truths must be guarded. You will remain with the order over summer, on the front that you are collecting information for Lord Voldemort. This will allow you to continue contact with myself, as well as your friends."
"May I tell my friends?" I asked
"Only your most trusted ones" he said sternly and I nodded, "that will be all-good luck"

I stood up, being pausing and turning back around to face him

"Sir?"

He looked up pleasantly

"Yes, Miss Lestrange?"
"How do you know...I won't betray you?"

He gazed thoughtfully at me, before replying

"There is no great harm more unforgivable than the purposeful riddance of a loved one"

Day four.

My friends had all begged me furiously to eat something. I did not listen. They brought me food every morning, every afternoon, and every night. Every morning, afternoon, and night I vanished the untouched dishes with my wand

I woke to the pattering of knocking at my door. Fred came in, sitting delicately across from me on my bed, placing a hand on my arm, and opening his outstretched hand to reveal a single peanut

"No" I said immediately, turning my head away
"(Y/n) please" he pleaded, but I shook my head
"Throw that shit away" I said, feeling my insides squirm in panic
"Okay look, we'll do it together" he said, splitting the peanut in half, and placing the larger half in the palm of my hand, which shook uncontrollably, "on the count of three. One...two...three"

I placed the hard peanut on my tongue and forced my mouth closed. I started breaking it up into small pieces and chewed them with great difficulty. I gulped it down, and it felt like grains of sand against my sore throat. I immediately felt a small sense of release as Fred smiled proudly at me

"See? You can do it"

I smiled back. It felt unnatural.

Day five.

Harry handed me a heavy bag of coins

"Take it, it should've been Cedric's"
"Put it away, Harry"
"I don't want it-"
"Well you're not fucking dumping it with me, I don't want it either. Do not even think about arguing with me"

He listened, and closed his mouth. I asked him to call for Ron and Hermione to join us, and I told them all of Dumbledore's offer. They were shocked, but I insisted it was what I wanted. I left my room on the last day of school, and froze at the sight of the Diggorys about to leave. Mrs, Diggory saw me first, and came up to me with a weak smile

"(Y/n) Lestrange?" I nodded silently, and tears ran down her cheeks, "Cedric talked about you all the time. To anyone who'd listen, and even when they wouldn't"

Talked. Past tense.

"He was good to me" I replied, and her smile grew, nodding as she turned to leave with her husband

Was. Past tense.

"Mr. Diggory, Mrs. Diggory?" I called quietly down the otherwise deserted corridor, and they turned around, gazing kindly at me through teary eyes,"I really, really, loved your son"

Loved, past tense.

That one was wrong.
I love your son.
I will love your son until my dying breath.

And that's all the time I gave myself. Five days. And then my mind focused entirely onto a new means of existence; becoming a double spy. I forcefully pushed aside all my anger and deep rooted rage, and refused to allow myself another tear. That was it, that was the end of it.

Five days to cope with the mourning that would last a lifetime