Turning Point (A.I.)

chapter 5- agile angel

<ashton's pov>

apparently i fucked up. well, not apparently, i did fuck up. brin is the most beautiful girl in this whole entire world. she makes my heart beat a little faster whenever she looks my way. she makes me blush by saying the weirdest things. her eyes... her eyes were the most beautiful things in this whole world. she was the only thing that made me forget home.

my home life has never been perfect and that's been obvious. my father left me at a very young age, which left me very confused i grew up. my mother gave birth to another child when i was 8 years old and her name is ashley. i know, ashton and ashley, i've questioned my mother about it multiple times just to get no answer. she always ignored the question whenever i asked and to this day i have no idea why.

i had no friends growing up. i barely have friends now, i have like three. luke, calum, and michael are the names of those friends. we were supposed to make a band since we all have musical talents, but we never got around to it. i'm 20 already and the boys are 18 or 19. which means i've known these boys for about 3 or 4 years. due to the fact of growing up with no friends, i became depressed. around 15 is when it really hit me, but i've been depressed for a little bit over 5 years now. i've resorted to things of which are not healthy and pain inflicted scars lay everywhere upon my body.

as i walk back from the beach, i just take things in. when i'm not talking to people i just like to notice the small things about everything. from people to places, i tend to know everything. i've learned people aren't perfect and they shouldn't be, except me. i have a extremely hard time accepting myself in the simplest ways. i don't like the way i look or act, i can't stand the curls in my hair. i can't help to get upset when the boys make fun of me even though they are joking. i guess i can be a little to sensitive from time to time.

i slowly enter the cabin to make sure brin wasn't changing or something like that. i close the door softly and start to look around for her. she wasn't in the main room so she had to be in the kitchen or the bathroom. yes, we had our own kitchen, we are the leaders. i place my things on my bed and attempt to wait for brin to come out from wherever she was. minutes pass and there was no sign of brin anywhere. i quickly stand up and check the kitchen before knocking on the bathroom door. she wasn't anywhere i looked, but she probably needs space from me so that is what i'm doing to do. i heat up the shower and wait for it to become a reasonable temperature before hopping in and washing the all of the salt water off.

i could have showered for 9 hours and not get out, but that isn't the smartest idea. plus the water would up going completely ice cold. instead i stay in there for 40 minutes then decide to get out. i dry my body off and change into a new pair of clothes. i should really do some laundry soon, i think to myself. i come out of the shower and see brin sitting on my bed. before i could say anything, she started talking.

"i'm sorry, ashton, like i said earlier it was the PMS. i was also super tired," she starts to explain. as she talks, i stare at her lips. i don't really care what she has to say, i don't really mind, i just want to kiss her already.

"it's fine, brin. i don't mind. i could understand why you were so upset, therefore i don't really mind. next time i won't push you to do anything if you don't want." i answer honestly and make myself feel like shit.

"no, no, no, it's not your fault. it's fine if you want to be mad at me." she says with a frown.

"i don't think i can be mad at you, it's not that simple." i try to explain without anything coming out the wrong way.

"what do you mean?" she asks me, clearly confused.

"i can't be mad at you, that's all." i say with a shrug.

"is it because we are working together? is that the only reason?" she questions with a hurt expression.

"oh, uh, yeah." i look at my feet quickly.

why couldn't have i just took a chance and told her why? god you're so dumb i kept telling myself over and over. i can see out of the corner of my eye that she's just staring at her feet. i probably just crushed her as well as myself. i take a minute and take off into the kitchen. i search for food as i feel myself caving in. i should have just told her and not chickened out. i was dumb, but i can't bring myself to say anything to her. i'm just going to let her suffer because i am too. it was stupid, i couldn't just let her suffer! i was fucking falling for her for fucks sake!

my hands shake as i open and close cabinets searching for something i wouldn't find. maybe i was searching for my saneness. i was insane for not saying anything and just letting the words fall deeper within myself. i don't think i was ever going to tell by the way things just played out. i can feel my heart start to beat faster and my knees get weaker by the minute. it suddenly felt like 500 pounds of nothing were falling on my shoulders. this is what my anxiety attacks feel like.

a comforting hand shakily touches my shoulder and i turn around slowly. it can't be any other then brin since she was the only person in here at the moment. i look at her pale face and feel her lead me to the bed slowly. she basically makes me sit down and she takes my hand in mine. it was small and warm compared to my large, cold hands.

"i know what's happening, it happens to me all of the time. i know what to do, don't worry." she says with a reassuring tone, but frowns sadly.

"what do you mean?" i start questioning. does she know that i like her?

"anxiety attacks," she shrugs, "i grew up with severe anxiety." she says with a blank expression.

"oh," i mumble quietly.

"what did you think i meant?" she asks while rubbing my hand. it was simple. but it helped a lot more than i thought it would.

"it's nothing, don't worry about it." i shake my head.

"you know that you can tell me. i won't judge-" she starts but i harshley cut her off.

"i told you it was nothing! and i don't need you to help me with my attacks, okay? i know how to handle myself!" i stand up while yelling.

"oh," she says standing up. "you know i was just trying to help, but obviosuly that isn't needed here. if you didn't need my help then why did you let me start to calm you down? i was trying so hard not to yell at you earlier, but you stepped over the line! i was just trying to help because of an anxiexy attack which suck! but nevermind, just think that i never said anything! you're such a dick, ashton irwin! and you're so lucky i like you because i could ruin you right here, but i'll spare you this time. now excuse me while i go get aloe because you dragged me to the beach and forced me into the water." she yells straight into my face.

the whole time she was gone all i could keep thinking was 'you're so lucky i like you.' she really likes me and i wasn't just thinking crazily. i really need to make this up to her because i fucked up so bad. she was so angry with me and i needed to make this up to her. there were so many thoughts racing through my mind, i just couldn't find anything that sounded reasonable. i could bake her a cake, but i can't bake. i could take her to the beach again because that's all i knew, but we all know how this ended last time so i decide aganist it. she was gone for hours so i knew she went somewhere other then to get aloe. it was starting to get late and i was worried, but the next day was going to be stressful. as i doze off into a sleeping state i finally get the perfect idea.

a date.

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im very sorry I didn't update!! but I went to an all time low concert last night and it was fucking amazing. I also saw tonight alive, state champs, and issues since they were there. they were all so good and Jenna is my wife.

um so here you go, enjoy please!