He (COMPLETED)

He Surrendered

I knew it.

I should've done something the moment I saw my father's reflection as my own. I should've gone to the doctor to cure myself.

Kung sana ay iyon ang ginawa ko wala na akong nasaktan pa.

Que wouldn't have to suffer under my own hands.

I was panting so hard as I struggled to fight back control over my body.

"Hello? This is Detective Magsaysay speaking, how may I help you?" I almost sighed in relief as soon as I heard the detective's voice on the other line.

"Detective, it's Professor Walters." 

"Ayos ka lang ba, Sir?"

"Yes, yes." Hinihingal kong sagot dito bago mariing ipinikit ang mga mata.

"Detective, please help Que," pakiusap ko sa kausap.

"Please, find me. Hanapin niyo ako, hawak ko ngayon sina Que, Jacque at Trey. Please save them," pagmamakaawa ko.

"I don't know how you'll do it because I can't tell you where I am. But please find them before it was too late. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko pa mapipigilan ang sarili ko,"

"Professor Walters, are you aware that you're confessing of the crimes you made?"

"I am. Please Detective, save them." Hiling ko bago tuluyang ibinaba ang telepono.

"Let's stop here... please..." pagmamakaawa ko but I heard myself laughing in response.

"You're too weak, Drake! Hahayaan mo lang bang saktan nilang lahat si Que? Ang sabi mo ay mahal mo siya? Then you should protect her. Protect her from everyone who's hurting her."

"That's right... I... need to protect her..." bulong ko sa sarili bago lumapit sa isang lamesang punong puno ng sulatniya.

Save them. Please.

I'm not sure if anyone could actually see this but I needed to do something else. I can't just let him ruin everyone.

"Hindi mo 'ko mahal, Drake," agad kong naramdaman ang pag-iinit ng sulok ng mga mata ko nang marinig ko ang sinabi ni Que.

I loved her before.

And I love her still.

Kaya paanong nasasabi niyang hindi ko siya mahal?

Pinilit kong labanan ang sarili ko sa paghakbang palapit sakanya. I was afraid that if I let him take even a single step towards her ay sasaktan niya lang ulit si Que.

"Hindi mo 'ko mahal, Drake," the moment I saw her tears fell, agad rin umuna ang isa ko pang pagkatao. But unlike the last time, I can see, hear, and feel everything he was doing.

"Mahal kita, Que. Hindi tayo aabot ng ganito kung hindi kita mahal,"

"Kung hindi kita mahal, hindi kita ilalayo sa mga taong nananakit sayo," I felt myself took a step towards her. Pero agad ring natigilan nang makita ang pag-atras niya.

"Ganito ako mag-mahal Que. Handa akong makipagpatayan wag lang masaktan ang taong mahal ko," I heard him say. Ramdam ko ang bigat sa loob niya habang sinasabi iyon.

I know my condition.

I know what makes him alive, at aminin ko man o hindi sa sarili ko, alam kong hindi si Daddy ito. He is me. He is the part of me I had always refused to accept.

"Pero sinasaktan mo rin ako sa ginagawa mo," agad na tumulo ang mga luha ko nang sambitin iyon ni Que sa basag na boses.

"I-i d-did?" Bumagsak ang tingin namin sa tubong hawak at agad ring nahagip ang sariling mga kamay na punong-puno ng dugo.

Dugo ng mga taong sinaktan ko.

Dugo ng babaeng pilit kong iginigiit na mahal ko.

"Hindi ko sinasadya. Love, hindi ko sinasadya," paulit ulit ko iyong naririnig. Hindi ko alam kung ako ba ang nagsasabi niyon o siya. Hindi ko na alam. Pero ang alam ko lang ay ang sakit at pait na nararamdaman ko sa dibdib ko.

We just wanted to protect her.

Gusto lang namin siyang ilayo sa mga taong nananakit sa kanya.

How... How did I end up being that person instead?

"Anong nangyari sayo, Drake? How did we end up right here?" tanong niya.

I tried asking myself that questions a lot of times already. Sa tuwing nagagawa kong pigilan siya sa mga pinaggagawa niya ay tinatanong ko iyon sa sarili ko.

Bakit ko 'to ginagawa?

Bakit nangyayari sakin 'to?

I've been suffering since I was a child, bakit hindi nalang naging normal ang buhay ko?

"Maybe I have loved you too much?"

Why did the love I thought saved me made me a criminal?

"Nakita ko kung paano ka masaktan at umiyak sa piling nila, Que. I promised myself that I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, kahit pa pamilya mo yan," ani ko habang nakatitig sa mga kamay ko na habang buhay nang may bahid ng dugo.

"I lose control, Que. I lost myself, I'm sorry," umiiyak kong hingi ng paumanhin sa kanya. I know this would never be enough for all the things I've done to her and to the people around her.

Hindi na maibabalik kailan man ng sorry ko ang mga buhay na nawala dahil sakin. Hindi na mabubura ng sorry ko ang lahat ng trauma at pasakit na naidulot ko sa kanya at sa iba pang tao.

My apology can never change the fact that I am a monster.

My love for her turned me into a monster.

A monster who hurt and killed people. Without mercy.

I have became the person I had always hated.

I became like my father.

A murderer.

I guess it's true that the fruit doesn't really fell down away from the tree.

I just hope that my mother, my yaya, and my foster parents weren't blaming themselves for this. I hope they're not blaming themselves about how my life ended up like this.

Kasi kasalanan ko ang lahat ng ito.

I refused to accept myself.

I was taught to love and to care for others—which I did.

And on the process of loving and caring for others—I lost myself.

I stared at the face of the girl I have been loving for years as the red and blue lights flickered around us. The policemen surrounding me and the sirens of the their patrol cars broke the eerie silence of the night.

And just like that—I surrendered.