Erkenci Kuş | Keşke

The life rope

Sanem stirred feeling something hit her head. It was the door to her bedroom opening.  She slowly looked up from the floor realizing she had have fallen asleep crying. The world was hazy around her and she couldn't make out the person who entered her room. Sanem tried again to focus her eyes on her surroundings but to no avail; everything around her felt distant like an echo or a memory.

Sanem heard Ayhan's voice calling her name. The concern in Ayhan's voice started to bring Sanem back into reality. She opened her eyes more, and looked around the room. She felt like she had been lying there for days. Seeing the darkness through her windows, Sanem realized it wasn't days from her heartbreak. She began to cry realizing it was only mere hours from her losing everything on those cursed rocks.

Sanem didn't know how to stop crying. She had so many unanswered questions floating around her mind. How could she move forward knowing she will never find another to make her feel the way Can did? How could she handle feeling the loneliness of losing her person before she had a chance to really live? How could she go through this pain every day? It felt hopeless. She didn't know how she could fall asleep and wakeup: day after day, week after week knowing that every day spent was another day further from the love she once shared with Can. How could she endure it?

Ayhan saw how devastated Sanem was, and repeated  her name worried, "Sanem?"

Sanem wanted to respond to Ayhan but she had no strength to open her mouth let alone speak.

Ayhan bent down and gave Sanem a hug.

She said with a comforting tone, "Don't worry. You don't have to say anything."

That sentiment touched Sanem, she felt relief in those words and allowed herself to cry harder. Ayhan held Sanem, giving her comforting hushes while Sanem mourned everything she had lost in one night.

"Ah Sanemcim, it's ok. Just cry tonight, just cry, tomorrow morning we'll pack together okay?"

Sanem felt the loneliness overtake her emotions. The thought of packing, the thought of leaving was too painful to bear. She wept not wanting to go on that business trip with Yigit.  Can wasn't the only one leaving, now, but she was too.  Sanem was leaving Can and the place that was once theirs. Istanbul was home.  Istanbul was him, Can. How could she leave Istanbul? How could she spend even one night away from being minutes from their special spot? Or his home? Or their mountain hut? These questions made her chest constrict and it felt harder to breathe.

Ayhan continued to hug Sanem, but Sanem could only respond by burying her face more into Ayhan's embrace. Sanem's inconsolable weeping was felt as she shook in Ayhan's arms. Her friend's comforting embrace let the rest of what Sanem was holding back be released. She didn't want to go to Izmir tomorrow, or anywhere ever again. She just wanted to stay here- in her room, on the floor curled up forever.

Ayhan could only hear the murmurs of Sanem's crying as her shirt became damp from Sanem's tears. It broke her heart to see Sanem this way. Sanem had this light inside of her, even when she was upset there was always a light in her eyes. But today Ayhan saw it dimmed, there was an emptiness in Sanem's gaze which terrified Ayhan.

It was late and Ayhan knew that Sanem was in no shape to get up from the floor. So Ayhan went and brought Sanem's pillows and blanket from the bed. She gently lifted Sanem's head and put a pillow under it. Then Ayhan rested her own head on the second pillow and put the blanket over them both.

"We'll just stay here tonight," Ayhan said gently without expecting an answer.

Sanem nodded her head slightly curling up under the blanket exhausted from crying.

The door opened again and Ayhan and Sanem looked up.

Sanem was relieved to see it was only Leyla and not her parents.

Leyla closed the door behind her, locking it again. She joined Sanem and Ayhan lying on the floor. Leyla rested her head on Sanem's pillow, and softly brushed a few strands of hair away from Sanem's face. Instinctively Leyla and Ayhan wrapped their arms around Sanem in a tight embrace.

Sanem saw her sister on one side, and her best friend on the other. She felt loved and safe. Sanem was in pieces but she wasn't alone. That thought gave her comfort in a moment of pure pain. Sanem had two people that could hold her tight and fight for her when she was too defeated to do it herself.

Sanem held Leyla and Ayhan's arms tightly as she slowly drifted to sleep. The pain was still there but she no longer felt alone. She knew she had two people that would let her feel, but wouldn't let her drown in despair.

They wouldn't let her sink to the bottom of the ocean...and she wouldn't let herself do it either. 

to be continued...