this book is sort of a project for me. it's the first story I've ever written, with dynamics I've never tried. it's been really hard, but I hope you'll join my on my writing journey :)
cover art by cassbutts on deviantart!
(Warning the first chapter...
I hope you guys enjoyed the last chapter. I keep reading my older ones thinking "oh jesus I should rewrite these," but I'm too busy working on new ones haha
don't be scared to mention grammar or writing issues!! I've been reading through my old chapters, and I didn't separate dialogue, I wrote 'Malloy' twice in one chapter, and my writing is downright terrible. If you find mistakes in newer chapters, TELL ME! I'll fix them. Thank you :)
Anyways, enjoy!
(TW for suicide mention)
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I found comfort in Blaise's intense eyes looking directly into mine, urging me to get started. My chest was burning with the anxiety of having to tell them. Having to explain when, how, and why I was going to leave them. The deep brown eyes were nearly staring into my soul, urging me to start talking.
My throat was dry. "I- uhm," my voice cracked, embarrassingly. I cleared my throat and tried to swallow. "I-I know you hate it when I say this, but I really- I just-" I sighed, frustrated. I could barely stammer a coherent sentence.
Pansy rubbed the back of my hand with her fingertips. I closed my eyes for a second and focused on the feeling of her sharp, manicured nails brushing against my hand. After a few breaths, I could finally swallow, and my eyes opened back up again. Blaise was still staring at me. I forced myself to turn away and stare at a wall behind him. I couldn't look at him while telling him this.
"Do you remember the day I didn't get out of bed? And Pansy, you came and woke me up?"
Pansy's breath hitched. I heard her shift on the floor. She hummed anxiously. I reluctantly turned my head to her. She looked terrified at what I was about to say next. The circles her fingertips were trailing on the back of my hand faltered. She nodded, a silent push to continue.
"It was... the night before that," I paused and cleared my throat. "I was fine all day but..."
My heart clenched and twisted. "I saw the two Weasley siblings at their brothers' memorial," I choked out. "And they were crying and- Salazar I hate myself!" My feet thrashed, making Theo lift his head to look at me, pity etched onto his face.
"Why d-did I take the mark? Why couldn't I run away? I was a damn coward, and look where it got me! Our headmaster died because I let death eaters in. What the fuck is wrong with me?"
The despair I felt was almost the same as what I felt that night, almost two weeks ago. I just wanted to kick something, or punch a wall. I wanted to hurt myself. Salazar knows I deserve it.
There were no tears in my eyes as I ripped my hands away from my friend's grasps. I pulled my hands toward my chest and seethed. I put one of my hands on top of my closed fist, and pushed down, taking in the sound of all 4 of my knuckles cracking at once. I could feel Theo tense and cringe beside me, but I kept going with my second knuckles on the same hand. I was about to attempt to crack a knuckle in my thumb before Blaise grabbed one of my hands again.
