FALLEN ─ marvel

IV. Complicated Emotions

Chapter Four
John

I called Everett and told him we were coming to Wakanda so we can get past the border patrol. I should have expected that Everett would tell everyone that we were coming, and I should have expected that Soroya would want to greet us. She's standing in front of the entrance to princess Shuri's lab, with Bucky by her side and baby Olivia in his arms.

I might as well just get this over with, the more I put it off the worse it will feel. With a sigh, I get off the jet first, and the second I reach the ground, Soroya has her arms around my waist, burying her head against my chest. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and hug her back, but my movements are stiff and not as enthusiastic as hers. As she pulls back from me and smiles, I feel like my heart is physically trying to break through my ribs and burst out of my chest like in Alien.

It's a very complicated string of emotions whenever I'm around her: happiness, yearning, pain, anger, and then self loathing, all usually appearing in that exact order. Whenever I see her I get so happy, I see her smile, hear her voice, hear her laugh and I feel like I could burst from the feeling it gives me. I didn't think it was possible to feel something like this. I've had flings before, I've even had some girlfriends, but none of them made me feel even a fraction of what Soroya makes me feel. I've never wanted anything more in my entire life, but I know I can never have her. That's where the pain, anger, and self loathing come in. It's already painful enough that the woman I love doesn't love me back, but she's married and just had a baby. I'm a sick bastard for feeling and thinking the way I do about her, but I can't help it. Soroya once told me that what I wanted in life was unconditional love, and she was right, but what neither of us could have foreseen is that I would want her unconditional love.

"It's so good to see you," Soroya says, rubbing my arms, my stiff body language not lost on her. Her eyes are examining me and analyzing me as they always do, and she tries to hide her concern as she asks: "Are you doing alright?"

I shut my eyes, trying to keep my voice leveled as I respond: "I'm fine."

Soroya pulls away from me, redirecting her attention to Sam and Jade, who are now getting off of the ship. Just when I think I can have a moment to calm down, Bucky approaches me, wrapping his metal arm around me in an embrace. I return it, trying to ignore the familiar feelings of guilt and anger that always appear whenever I am around him. My life would be easier if I hated him, if I resented him for being married to Soroya and fathering her child, but I don't. Not only is he my friend, but he's genuinely the one of the greatest men I've ever met. He's a better man than I'll ever be, who has been through so much hardship and heartbreak. If I hate anything, I hate that I can't be happy for him, I hate that I wish it was me instead of him.

When Bucky pulls back I glance down at Olivia, who stares up at me in curiosity, her steel blue eyes identical to her father's. She's beautiful, just like her mother.

I'm grateful that Sam suggests we go down and talk to Shuri, because it allows me to leave the others behind and walk ahead. I need to clear my head, try to calm myself down. I probably looked like a mess out there, like a complete jackass. I know that everyone knows about how I feel, but I like that we all pretend that no one knows, but it's hard to pretend we all live in blissful ignorance when I act like a bumbling idiot.

Shuri and the other Wakandan scientists are running around to and fro, working on various projects that look way too complicated for me to understand. I spot Shuri talking to General Okoye on her Kimoyo Beads, and once she sees me, she shuts the transmission off and walks over towards me, extending her hand out.