Chemistry (Otis Milburn)

48

TW: MENTION OF SUICIDE 

I snuck out of my room and tried finding an entrance. It was barely my second day, and I had been in my room most of the time and only left for group therapy and for walks outside, so I didn't know my way around yet. left behind the few belongings I had and ended up in a living room-like area where there were couches, chairs and a large whiteboard set up. The room was dull and seemed as if it were a waiting room of a doctor's office. There was no one there, and occasionally I'd hear footsteps of who I thought were nurses. 

I quietly walked over to one of the couches and sat down, my hands gently placed on my lap. It was dead quiet, pure silence. The footsteps had disappeared, the lights in everyone's rooms were off. I took the risk and closed my eyes as I sat back in the couch. For the first time in my life, I had experienced pure, utter silence. 

Suddenly, I feel an ice-cold hand gently tapping mine. Startled, I quickly open my eyes and notice a pale, blonde girl with freckles sitting next to me. She was wearing a knitted, light brown jacket and some warm slippers. Her eyes were hollow and blue-even her pupils. Her lips were pink, and her skin looked as fragile as a porcelain doll.

"Don't be scared, you're fine." She gave me the most warm smile. 

"Who are you?" 

"I'm Emilia, but you can call me Em. And your name is..?"

"Vivienne." I responded, avoiding as much eye contact as possible. 

"What a beautiful name. Tell me Vivienne, what are you doing out and about?" 

I was silent. She placed her hand on my shoulder again, signaling open arms and trust. 

"I- wanted to go for a walk. " I didn't realize until now that my trauma and fear had caused me to create a toxic habit of lying. 

"Tell me Vivienne, why are you in here? You don't have to answer if you don't want to by the way."

"No it's fine, I tried to end my life, and it didn't work. It had taken me until now to realize that I was the problem that needed to be eliminated." 

She gently rubbed my shoulder. Was this her way of expressing comfort?

"I know we just met, Vivienne, but please know I am here for you. I don't know what you're going through, but I am here to talk. The one thing I do know, is that you were given a second opportunity." She gave me her warm smile again.

"Em, why are you here?"

She gave a slight chuckle. "I am here to find myself again." 

I looked around, confused. "In a mental hospital?"

"Hey, you never know where you might find the answers you're looking for." 

"You're right." I giggled.

"Now tell me, what are you really doing sitting here, Vivienne?" She stared into my eyes as if she was reaching for my soul.

"I- I already told-"

"No."

I let out a sigh. "Alright. I was trying to run away, okay?" 

Her eyes widened. "Where?"

"Away from here. I have unfinished business; issues that need resolving."

"Are you sure you're going to your problems? It seems like you're running away from them, actually."

"I just don't want to be in-here." I looked around again, scolding the place, every square inch of it. 

"What's wrong with being here?" She stood up and sat in the next couch over.

"I'm not crazy. I don't need to be here." I responded.

"Who said people in here are crazy? It's a place to seek help. You know, you have to loosen up a little bit. You're so- stiff." 

"What do you mean?" I turn to her, watching her pace back and forth.

"Put yourself first, Vivienne. Maybe it'll make your life a little easier. The more you try to please others, the more destruction occurs. You're forgetting about yourself, and don't forget to let go of that disgusting ego along the way." 

I didn't know how to respond. Maybe this quirky, odd blonde was right. Although I was offended by the disgusting ego part. 

"So what do I do, Em? I need help. I have no one." 

"You have you, that's all you need... and maybe a little group therapy." She giggled as she walked towards me.

"Well, it's getting a little late for me, Vivienne. You should probably get going too. Get some rest." She took her hand out, motioning me to stand up, and I followed. Her hands were still as cold as cold as ice, chills began running down my spine. 

"Thank you for this talk. I hope to see you again. Hopefully no one sees you." 

She lets go of my hand, waving goodbye.

 "They won't."