Somewhere in the Avenue (Velez Cousins Series #1)

Chapter 46

Chapter 46

Revealed

I just found myself crying alone in the corner of the club, hindi malaman kung ano ang gagawin. I feel so awful for myself to even do that because... because I see him in that certain man. Dala ang isang tissue na nakita sa isang table, pilit kong pinupunasan ang mga labi kung saan dumapo ang labi ng lalaking 'yon na estranghero sa'kin.

I keep on denying to myself the reason why I did that. I keep on telling myself that it was because of the alcohol. It felt like shit when I realized why I kissed that stranger back. I know it was the alcohol who made me accept the body shot offer and even let myself mingle with other people who's a stranger to me. But...But the alcohol also made me believed that it was Deonell whom I'm...doing that body shot with.

Humahagulgol na ako malapit lang dito sa comfort room sa first floor ng club. Wala masyadong tao kaya malaya akong umiiyak. I just couldn't accept it. I hate this!

Why do I still have feelings for him? Why did it awaken? I already locked all of these inside my internal barrel. Bakit bumabalik na naman?

That thought made another batch of tears ran down from my eyes. This is wrong. I couldn't accept this internal truth. I know staying in one house is a bad idea. Being affiliated with him again is a bad idea. I know all of these from the very start but I always refused to acknowledge it. Kasi akala ko...hindi na ako babalik sa dati, na hindi ma magigising ang nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya.

I know I was slowly losing my sanity days after we kissed that night. I know I was already having an internal battle. Ngayon ko lang talaga naisip kung bakit ako nagkakaganito na naman. I have feelings for him. I still have feelings for him.

Bakit ganito? Why do I feel like I cheated? This is so wrong! He is my stepbrother. I shouldn't be feeling this way!

Nanghihina na ako bago nag-desisyon na pumasok sa loob ng CR. I washed my face multiple times on the sink at nababasa na rin ang ibabang damit ko. But I didn't care. All I want is to wash away these damn feelings. All I want is to get rid of them. Inalis ko ang mga luha sa aking mata. I feel so shitty. Hindi ko na malaman kung ano ang gagawin.

I looked at my reflection on the smoky mirror in front of me. Gamit ang kamay ay pinunasan ko ang salamin to have a clearer view on my face. My make up is already smudged at natanggal na iyon dahil sa pag-wash ko ng mukha. My eyes turned chinky and are now puffy and red. Namumula rin ang ilong ko pati na rin ang pisngi. I sniffed and sighed.

"Shit..." I murmured to myself.

That's what I felt right now. Shit.

I literally felt like I'm no longer drunk anymore. Parang tipsy lang ako kanina tapos ngayon wala na. I just had a major realization after kissing a stranger and here I am, breaking down inside the CR. I sighed and pinched myself. My system was rummaged by different kinds of emotions I'm still afraid to decipher.

I think I'm the only person who's horrified to have feelings for someone. I am more than horrified. I should have banned this from myself years ago. Kahit saang anggulo tignan, maling-mali ito. We may not have the same blood running in our veins but the fact alone that he's now my stepbrother is so wrong. And I know...masasaktan lang ako.

I felt a void inside of me again. I held on the sink and closed my eyes tightly. Why is this happening to me again? Why am I hurting again? Bakit ang sakit malaman na may nararamdaman pa rin ako sa kaniya? Bakit...ayaw mawala? Akala ko wala na, e. Akala ko wala na talaga. Pero bakit ganito? Why am I having this unwanted feelings again?

I don't want this! I want this out of my system!

Nawalan ako ng sigla. I know the two of us... isn't meant to be. I was the only one who have genuine feelings for him. He only pretended to like me because he's using me. And it hurts thinking how he's planning to use me again. Bakit ba ganito nalang palagi? Gusto ko lang namang hindi makaranas na masaktan ulit. Bakit ganito?