Cigarettes & Kisses | P.JM 🔞 ✔️

5 | realisation and redemption

WARNING ⚠️ *Mention of suicide which might be triggering to some. Proceed with caution*

JIMIN'S POV

There it was again. The sound of my father's new mistress' simpering laughter. And I wanted to kill myself. Or saturate my lungs with nicotine at the very least.

The grounding need to drown my pain in the intoxicating fumes rooted itself deeper inside me with every clack of the woman's heels as I pictured her walking towards the master bedroom, hand-in-hand with the man who had broken my mother's heart, driven her to absolute insanity and ultimately forced her to take her own life, devastated by her husband's infidelity. I shook my head pushing out the torturous memory.

I didn't want to feel bad for my mother when my father was barely two rooms away getting laid by some gold digging slvt. She was an incredibly strong and dedicated mother and she didn't deserve to see her son in pain after she'd put up with my father's unfaithfulness for so long just so she could bring me up in a stable household.

I was thirteen when I had rushed inside my mother's room to find her body dangling from the ceiling...lifeless. And since then, my life had been a blur.

I had pushed away everyone close to me and receded into complete seclusion for days, refusing to eat, talk or even do anything. Y/N was the only one who had, even with how difficult I'd become, kept on insisting to stay by my side but I was sick of it.

I was sick of the love and unwavering attention she kept on showering on me despite how harshly I treated her.

I was sick of the way my heart fluttered and the emotions that bubbled up uncontrollably every time she gripped my hands and looked at me with her wide, innocent eyes brimming with affection.

I was sick of the fear and insecurity that had taken hold of my heart. That she was going to break my heart the same way my father had my mother's and I was going to be left grieving.

Pushing her away, the only one who cared for me from the bottom of her heart, had seemed like the easiest way out to my stupid thirteen year old self. I had no idea how much she really influenced me and how much her absence was going to fvck me over.

And here I was now, seconds away from being caught into the same vicious circle again that had ruined my life five years ago.

But I had learnt my lesson the hard way.

And this time, I was prepared to reach out for my safe haven that was just a couple of metres away, sleeping soundly wrapped up in a bright pink barbie comforter, her feet sticking out and her mouth slightly parted in a state of sleepy bliss.

I muffled a chuckle.

Guess it was time for me to embrace my redemption. Literally.

Pulling up my dark grey hoodie, I left my house as silently as possible, halting right underneath Y/N's window. Rubbing my hands together, I climbed up the water pipe as silently as possible, forcing open her bedroom window just like I had this afternoon.

As convenient as it was for me to find her window unlocked, it was really stupid of her to leave the window open like that.

If I could get in so easily, anyone could.

Shaking my head, I closed the window shut shivering as the warmth of her room took me by surprise again.

It was so cozy that all of a sudden I found myself craving more, thinking how I would have frozen to death in my room in the house that had never known comfort.

Pushing down my hoodie, I ruffled my dry blonde hair, cursing myself for forgetting to apply the hair serum.

Years of dyeing and styling had resulted in my hair taking up a coarse straw-like quality and I was afraid to wake Y/N up with the static current. She was going to kill me if she found me in her bedroom at this time when I was acting like a fvcking stalker, staring at her sleeping form with a stupid grin on my face.

"Fvck it," I whispered under my breath, walking towards her bed as Y/N breathed peacefully, her chest rising up and falling down slowly completely unaware of my presence. "I'm just here to sleep in warmth. It can't be that hard to be a gentleman. All I have to do is to pick up the comforter, slide in and—"

"Ahh fvck." I cursed, pulling back at a reflex as my eyes landed on her bare shoulder, the soft moonlight from the window illuminating her skin.

My first instinct should have been to look away but I couldn't stop myself from looking as my treacherous gaze trailed down to the fabric scrunched up around her waist, revealing a faint outline of what was clearly her lower waist and her long, slender legs encased in ridiculously short sleeping shorts.

My eyes widened.

Since when exactly had she started to look so much like a woman?

Sure, I had kept my eyes on her through the entirety of middle and high school, making sure no boy could ever hit on her but I'd never really noticed my own feelings for her and now they were all coming back to hit me right in the gut as I realised just how many guys she would have had chasing after had they not been scared of getting into trouble with me.

But was I supposed to feel this way about the girl I had known since we were infants?

Hell, was I even supposed to control her life without her knowledge, opting for the most obsessive mentality of 'if I can't have her, no one can' and now, even trying to kiss her every chance I got?

No. But I guess I had always seen this coming. There was no way I wouldn't have fallen for her when she was literally the epitome of everything I ever wanted in a girl.

Bold, affectionate, unafraid of speaking her mind and fiercely loving.

Trying not to think of anything, I finally got in bed with Y/N, pulling the comforter over myself and shifting close to her just until our bodies were barely touching. I really didn't want to touch her without permission and give her another reason to distrust me.

Y/N'S POV

How did my bed suddenly smell like cologne?

Eyes crinkling, I squinted into the dark room slightly disturbed. Waking up in the middle of the night wasn't something worrisome for me as I almost always managed to fall back to sleep pretty quickly but today, something felt different.

Moving very slowly, I aggressively patted down my bed, wondering if some stray cat had come in through the window once again.

Yes, it had happened before. And I had been unable to sleep all night because of my nerves.

I froze as my fingertips brushed across something totally unfamiliar. It wasn't a cat after all. I sighed in relief.

I didn't remember leaving a hoodie on my bed before sleeping though. A hoodie that smelled just like a certain jerk I knew.

So Jimin was here.

I felt a wave of sleepiness wash over me as I yawned deeply, falling back into the pillows again.

This was probably a dream.

And Jimin was in it.

Like always.

"I am one delusional b!tch," I chuckled to myself sleepily and dozed off again, the cute, black-haired boy who always dominated my dreams morphing into a beautiful youth whose laughter rang like bells, echoing in my ears and giving me butterflies even in my sleep.