only angel ✭ h.s.

Thirty

"She said what?" Jolene's shocked voice booms through the cafe as I sit across from her.

"Shhh." I cover her mouth with my hand not wanting to draw any attention to us. "It's not a big deal, I'm not going to answer."

It had been a few days since I received the text message from my mother, and at first, I was going to ignore it, but then I began to overthink. Maybe I should talk to her? Somehow make her see things from my point of view.

I wasn't a ticking time bomb anymore, I could handle my feelings a lot better. Not perfectly, but progress is progress. I know what she said was automatically putting the blame on me, but there had to be a way for me to talk to her without fighting with her. I was done with the fighting. I wasn't going to let myself be walked all over anymore and I was hoping she could try too.

People can change. I'm just pathetically hoping that the only parent I have will change as well. But that might be the biggest lie I've ever told myself. There had to be a time when I was younger when she cared about me and didn't passionately hate me. I mean all mothers love their children when they're born at least, right?

I haven't told Harry about the message yet because I knew he'd worry about me and how it makes me feel. At first, I was a little angry that she would even say that. Then I thought about it and she must genuinely miss me if she was willing to reach out. Even if it was rude and accusing.

She is never one to admit her wrongdoings or cave in first, but this time she did. It took almost two months but it happened. I couldn't deny it made me the tiniest bit happy to think she might ever want me again. I know it sounds stupid, but I'll never not want her even with all the horrible things she's done. In the end, she is my mom. I may not like her but deep down I couldn't not love her.

I hate to admit that I still care about her when she's made me feel so worthless at times. There's a small part of me that still longs for her to care about me and I don't think I could ever let it go. Even if our relationship never works out and never mends; I still want to know what happened to make her feel this way towards me.

As soon as I told Jolene about the message she told me she needed to see me right away. She was worried about me, the same way I knew Harry would if he knew. I know her heart is in the right place with worrying about me but I don't need to be tiptoed around. I just wanted to talk to my best friend, she'd always be there for me. She was the person I trust most in the world. Besides Harry, obviously.

I contemplated telling Liam, but I wasn't sure how to go about it. He and I haven't been close for long. I know he stood up for me with Matt and apologized for how he had been acting for so long, but things weren't that easy.