only angel ✭ h.s.

Ten

It was all crashing down on me, I couldn't breathe. My chest was tightening, my lungs deflating, and my soul being crushed. It was a rush of pain, something like I've never felt before. Sometimes you think you've got passed something, maybe even healed a bit. Unfortunately, that's not the case, my wounds were still open and just now having acid poured straight on them.

My mind was blank but going faster than I could process, I didn't feel safe. Everything hurt, I didn't believe that the pain could get much worse but I prove myself wrong all the time. Just when you think you've experienced the deepest and darkest places in your mind you end up slipping deeper into the abyss. There is no one there to help you and surely no one to save you.

Why would anyone freely travel to Hell and back to save you from something so evil? I'd rather sit here alone in my despair than drag anyone to the godforsaken place my mind goes to. I wish sometimes that I'd hurt so much that my body would just shut down, I'd gladly welcome that kind of relief. I wasn't lucky enough to experience that.

How does one move on when their problems keep attacking them? Am I supposed to ignore the gnawing feeling inside me, demons just aching to come out? My life was lighter and happier, just for a moment. I knew it wouldn't last, people like me don't deserve those moments. I used to believe that one day things would get better, that I would be better. The hurt that I feel right now is swallowing me whole and I need to shut it off; forget.

Sometimes I wonder how I got to this point of shame, disgust, and hatred for myself. I often contemplate what I did that pushed me over the edge, what did I do wrong?

Right now I feel alone, oddly I find comfort in being lonely.

You deserve to be alone.

There is only so much a person can take, only so much my mind can take before it completely shuts off. I wanted help, I liked the person I was becoming. It was all a facade. Who am I kidding, I'll never change. You can't change something that's already been damaged.

I've been broken to the point of no return.

I no longer care if the life I led before was going nowhere, or even if it killed me. I just wanted the euphoria to seep back into my veins. I don't want to feel, I don't want to remember, and I surely don't want to experience this ever again.

I stood frozen looking deep into soul-crushing blue eyes. I used to hate them, wished the worst on them but now, I feel nothing. I can feel my skin crawling as though it is on fire; an itch I can't scratch. My body is already feigning for a distraction.

You won't come back from this distraction.

I can hear them in my head, screaming and clawing at the bit. I need it, so much. Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me and he wasn't real. He wasn't standing in front of me. He is just a figment of my imagination and soon I'll be able to wish him away.

"Angela," my hallucination spoke. I looked behind me to Harry hoping he was seeing what I was, his eyes were laced with confusion as I snapped my attention back to the person I had wished death upon so many times. I would love for someone to just burn me alive right now, that'd be less painful.

"What are you doing here Matt?" I deadpan, doing my best to show no emotion. Matt looks down on me stepping closer with a coy smile, "Missed you of course." My stomach was in knots and I felt like throwing up. I feel a hand gently grab my arm turning me around, "This is Matt? The Matt?" Harry asks with mixed emotions, he looks sad for me but I can see a world of anger lingering behind it.

All I can do is nod my head slowly, the affirmation of his thoughts from me is enough to flip a switch I didn't know he had. He lunges towards Matt so fast he has no time to react before Harry punches him square in the face. Matt falls back to the floor groaning in pain as Harry goes to get on top of him to finish what he's started.

I quickly fist the back of Harry's shirt pulling him towards me, "Stop, he isn't worth it." I'm feeling so many emotions but one thing I don't want is for them to fight. I don't want Harry to get hurt, this isn't his battle, he shouldn't get in the middle. His green eyes are dark, laced with hatred as he looks right at me, "I'm giving him what he deserves," he tries to pull away from me but I latch on to his arm.

"Please Harry just take me home," his eyes soften as I hear Matt trying to get up from the ground. "What the fuck, what did you tell him? You lying bitch!" Matt roars and Harry swiftly turns, kicking him hard right in his ribs. He falls back crying out holding onto his side when Harry turns and grabs my face. "Sorry Angel, can't have him talking to you like that," he smiles and leans forward to gently kiss my forehead.

"I'm trying really hard right now not to kill him," Harry lets out a shaky breath with his eyes closed. I look over Harry's shoulder to see Matt slowly getting up, "Let's go home H, I don't want our night to be ruined."

Harry nods, opening his eyes, grabbing my hand, and leading me downstairs doing his best to put as much distance between us and Matt as possible. I could tell this was affecting him tremendously even though he was trying very hard to calm himself. I never wanted to upset him, it's always my fault.

I could feel everything building up inside me as we walked back to my dorm, it was all piling on waiting to come crashing down. My body needed something more than what I've been giving it, I tried so hard not to get high but right now my mind didn't care about the progress I had made. I needed the drugs, right now.

With Harry's hand guiding me on my lower back through my front door as we made our way to the small couch on the other end of the room. I huff out slouching on the couch not understanding what's going on in my brain at the moment. I feel the couch dip indicating Harry had sat next to me. I don't know whether I'm angry that Matt is here and bringing up all of the old pain I thought I had forgotten about or that I've finally broken into so many pieces that I don't care to be put back together.

I feel so empty, my mouth is dry and my body is longing to alter its state. Things could be going so well and the universe just decides your times up, it's not my turn to be happy yet. If it's not my time then I'd rather forget till then.

A soft hand reaches for my cheek and I instinctively lean into it turning to look at him. His eyes holding so much emotion I'm not sure how to decipher it.

I don't want to feel anymore.

"Oh Angel," he sighs leaning forward to press his forehead against mine, "I'm so sorry this happened baby." His words make my heart flutter and it's the first good feeling I've had since I've seen Matt. I wish I could just let Harry take care of me, I know he wants to.

I wish I was like him and could handle all of this, his mother died and you don't see him spiraling. I can't though, I've tried. He makes me so happy, he makes me feel better but I don't want him worrying about me. He deserves someone who makes him happy.

"I'm okay H, promise," I lie hoping he wouldn't worry about me. He sits up looking into my eyes while rubbing my cheekbones with his thumbs. He looks at me confused, not sure if I'm telling the truth. He gives my lips a gentle kiss pulling away too quickly, "I feel like that's not true, but I'll let you figure that out. I just need you to be okay," he pulls me onto his lap so my legs are dangling over his as he wraps his arms around me and I find my home in his chest.

I didn't want him to leave but I wanted to be alone for what was going to come next. I'm doing my best to not push him away, I'm not sure how I'd cope if he left me for good.

"Me too Harry, me too."