only angel ✭ h.s.

One

My head was buzzing and everything was moving faster than I could comprehend. The feeling was euphoric and I just wanted more, it was like every single one of my nerve endings was surging with electricity.

I wiped the substance from my nose and closed my eyes leaning back against the couch, hoping to suppress my demons for the time being. It feels wrong, the feelings that I have, my life isn't shit like it used to be but the past isn't an easy thing to forget.

I live to forget wishing I could just shut it all off. Most nights the chaos within my mind gets the best of me beating me to the ground that I'm already clung to. I do my best to not let the things I feel affect me because the moment you become vulnerable is the moment you let others hurt you.

I can't do that, I can't be hurt anymore and I can't let the pain take over. It's too much, I won't do it. You can't trust anyone anymore, the people closest to you are the ones who can hurt you the most. They're the snake in the grass waiting for you to be weak and naive so they can have their way with you. Fuck them.

I pinch the bridge of my nose groaning, "You good babe?" I hear my best friend Jolene question, well my only friend. I open my eyes turning my head feeling fuzzy as her hand reaches to rub my knee, which feels really fucking good. I put my hand over hers to assure her "Yeah I'm fine, that line just hit me hard." I'm not fine, but she doesn't need to know that. She squints her sober eyes at me knowing I'm full of shit. "See Ang this is the reason I stay clear-headed around you when this happens."

Jolene always knows when somethings wrong with me, she was the only one who ever knew the truth about me or believed me when things went downhill. She knew me before my life became a series of dark and endless holes I'd fall down not knowing how to escape. At first, she tried to stop me from getting high out of my mind almost every night but at some point, I think she just realized that I had given up on myself even though she hadn't.

That's why she accompanies me to every single party I attend, she knows I'd let myself slip further into the ominous abyss I like to call my mind if she wasn't here to stop me. She knows the truth, why I do this to myself, and why I can't stop.

Sometimes I wish there was a way to make it all disappear, a way to feel better, and move past everything but I gave up on that hope way too long away. I've learned my lesson, I'm not the person others wish to thrive. I'm the one that they drag along the way to make them feel better about themselves.

My mother always did that, it was never anyone's fault but my own. Talk about having your feelings invalidated every day for eighteen years, that would make a sane person go mad. She was the worst, sometimes I'd wish for her to punch me in the face rather than my heart, maybe if she did I wouldn't be so fucked up.

I can take a punch just not one every day to the insecurities buried deep inside of me. She is the whole reason I'm here right now coming down from my fourth line, maybe I should drink some more?