only angel ✭ h.s.

Twenty One

Blue and purple painted skies hovering above me. The clouds slowly fading as the night sky came to fruition.

I laid in the cold grass of the courtyard near the dorm building contemplating my life choices.

I fucked up, big time.

What the hell is wrong with me? I don't know what I was thinking. I was thinking irrationally, obviously. I sat up just to stare at the grass beneath me picking at it, destroying it. Like I destroy everything else.

It's been so long since I've overthought this much, I didn't know what to do with myself. I was conflicted because I felt so empty inside but at the same time, it felt good to be by myself.

I needed to sort things out in my mind before I could try and fix the things going on on the outside. Not that I was was particularly good at either of those things.

It felt like my mind was screaming at me at the same time I was screaming at myself on the outside because of my lack of common sense.

But it's hard to hear the help others are trying to give you when it's all just background noise in the whirlwind of thoughts flowing about in my brain.

The time I eventually took by myself was isolating but much needed. I couldn't fix my relationship if I didn't try to help myself first. I talked to Zayn and Jo a lot over the past three weeks. Well, after I was done playing the damn quiet game for five days straight.

This whole situation has messed me up so much, I didn't eat for a while. My body was so exhausted that it wanted nothing to do but sleep. I had to accept the fact that I couldn't go on any longer pretending I was okay and hurting the people I care for in the process.

I know it was my fault for pushing Harry away, he had every right to lash out at me and be angry. I would've been too, except I was angry with myself because I didn't know what was going on inside.

I could see the hurt in his eyes, it broke my heart knowing I hurt his. It's a losing battle when you are fighting to save your relationship with someone else but you aren't willing to save yourself first.

I was constantly telling myself I didn't deserve him, that I wasn't good enough, and I deserved to linger in the agony I caused myself.

I didn't though. And Harry deserved someone who could realize that.

In my time alone I also realized that I need to stop longing after love from my mother that she will never give me. I needed to stop wondering what I did wrong because it wasn't my fault.

I didn't warrant the cruelty she gave me, I deserved love and compassion. Honestly, fuck her for never giving it to me.

For so long I never gave up on her, I let her walk all over me, and I never fought back. I wish I had, maybe Harry and I would be in a better place. Or maybe I wouldn't have been so hesitant when we first met. But even then opening up to him felt right, everything did.