𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

𝐟𝐫𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬

the once fruitful plain of
my soul now goes dormant
and the farmers of my
imagination no longer pick
and produce the way they
used to.
i wonder if maybe it is my
own fault this has happened.
everything i touch dies
and i can't change that.
i am not gentle like
her and i am not pretty
like her,
but i still try to be.
i try to be what you want
because you were what
i wanted.
you were violet when i was
in a world of yellow.
you were the rainy april days
when i was living in the
sunny beach days of august.
and that was appealing.
that was intriguing.
that was dangerous.
that was enough.
you spent time in my
passenger seat singing words
to songs i didn't even know
but i took note of their titles
so i could sing them with you.
you used to talk to me at lunch
and then pretend i didn't exist.
you used to be right there
when i needed to call you,
and you never once
missed a beat.
but now you're a jumbled up idea
in my head.
now you're running around
with a girl who's older, prettier,
more mature, better tempered.
what more could you want?
now the days are dark and the rain
won't go away.
it feels like the life has been sucked
out of me and i can't breathe.
and it burns when i try to remember how.
i am underwater, unable to reach
the surface.
and that is why my mind has
become fruitless
and the farmers have witnessed a freeze.
it's all because i went for something
intriguing instead of
something that was good for me.
and yet i can't help changing for you.
becoming more for you.
trying to do things for you.
because i still miss you even though
i'm better without you.

written on: january 10th, 2020