𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤

april is a nice color
when matched with your
dark hair.
i never expected to meet
you, even as an eleven
year old hopeful,
but i was glad i had.
i could write you a million poems
and none of them could
show what you mean to me.
your face sometimes comes into
view when i'm trying to sleep
in the haze of a night.
it is youthful as it was then
with more definition now.
you still have that sweet smile and
those blue eyes that make me blush.
your ears are larger now and
so is your straight nose.
i sometimes imagine that i
can and have touched that face
yet i know it is false.
it's a sad fact that it never worked out
between the two of us.
you were stubborn and mean
and i was outspoken and intolerant.
you were shy and sweet
and i was talented and smart.
but somehow we balanced well in the end.
not perfectly, but well.
you kept me away from the blonde boy
and i often wondered why then
but i see why now.
you walked me to class and i was
confused as to why if you
hated me so much then.
you cried with me when she died
and i didn't get it then.
but now it makes sense.
when i see the photographs and
hear the stories about you,
i know why.
and i feel stupid for not having known.
while i was being my odd self and
daring to push every limit,
you were falling in love.
how i do not even begin to understand.
even when you said you couldn't stand me
and you wish i'd move away,
you didn't mean it and it showed the
last time that i saw you in the parking lot
of a barbecue joint in west texas.
we were fourteen and stupid.
it was awkward but you hugged me
and we didn't let go for a long while.
i should have known then
but i didn't.
did i ask for you number?
did i make you promise to stay in touch?
did i beg you to say what i wanted
to hear?
no, i didn't.
and i sat in that big room all by myself
surrounded by boxes full of
what seemed like a past life.
i sat there with an empty love in my
heart for someone i hoped could fill a void.
i was there looking out the window
at dead trees and grass and a gray sky.
it rained everyday for four months.
i suffered and fought and cried and lost
everything.
and i wonder if maybe you did too.
i wonder if you fell apart and felt empty
and wanted to leave that town.
but then i wonder if you ever fell for
someone new.
i wonder if you didn't think about me
at all and you fell for her with
so much contentment in your heart
that you didn't care what happened to me.
i wonder if i ever cross your mind.
when you visit that old field do you
remember running around in flip flops?
i still wear them even in the coldest days
of january but you wouldn't know that.
when you drive to school does
the dirt remind you of my brown hair?
when you look over the west side
on that overlook with those beautiful
orange and white lights
do you feel my absence?
when you drive on the mountain
by that school we shared
does it feel like a distant dream?
do you recall those afternoons in the
courtyard with the football
and the wall ball?
do you remember the way i spoke
with you?
the way i defended you against
the tongues of those snaky middle
school girls?
the way that i complimented you
wholeheartedly?
the way i looked at you and
your clear blue eyes?
part of me wishes you would
answer these questions for me
yet i pray you never see them.
i want you to read the poetry
and know my feelings
and understand my pain and
my profession.
yet i want to keep pretending
we hate each other in some way.
i want to share this with you
but i'm scared.
and i know you are too.
but maybe we will meet in a dream
where we sit on that overlook
one last time and we could
hold onto each other and just stay
that way for a long time.

written on: april 16th, 2021