Living Closeted

Bromance over Romance?

A couple of weeks have gone by and I am really getting to enjoy the time I'm spending with him as my deskmate. He's pretty quiet. He doesn't tease me much. Apart from fun chit chat or the usual "How many times do you jerk off?" curiosities he has, it's actually quite pleasant. He's not opening that much towards me though, but we're making progress. A couple of days ago, he told me a little about his family, his older brother, and I think I can understand why he's like this. 

Being the middle kid always sucks. You get the least attention from your parents and when you do it's always because of the bad stuff you pull of, which you do because you want their attention to begin with. I can't pretend to completely understand this. I'm the eldest of my siblings so I'm used to be the "smart, achieved, role model" brother. I hate it. But I also wish I was the only kid. Not for the attention but for the suffocating part siblings play in your life. 

Being the middle kid, wanting to have attention from people around you... makes me think that you also want validation. It makes me believe you want people to acknowledge you, to notice and appreciate you. You want to feel like you are the centre of attention and that you are part of something. This would be a very good but sad reason behind his behaviour, I kind of pity him now. 

I for one, don't feel the need for constant validation nor the need for the constant attention, both from my parents and peers. It's not because I already get it. At school, I'm mediocre at the very best. Both in academic results and any social context. Sure, I'm sort of popular because of the debate I do and I've made friends, but I'm nowhere near his status. I like my time too much to feel the need for people around me. And I know it can make me come across as anti-social and unapproachable, but I'll say it again... I don't care. 

Adrian on the other hand, he seems like he cares. And he cares a lot. God, I'm obsessing over him... again. Why don't I think of my other friends like this? I talk with a lotta people. I talk too much with Andrea and I also chat quite enough with Emms and Anja. But why on earth am I only obsessing over Adrian? And I know what happened between us is part of the reason, but I'm not one to obsess like this over people. Sure, I obsess over all the bad stuff I do, all the weird and cringy instances I found myself in, but never over people. 

Worst part? I can't confront him over this kind of stuff. He'll just freak out, internally. He'll never let me know what he actually feels. The only human he's ever shown affection to is Emma. They've got this "special" bond, but it's only because he's into her. Or so I believe. He's denying it constantly... no I didn't ask him... others have. I would actually see the two together and I'd totally support them. It's too bad she'll never be into him. She's already taken, for a couple of years now, and she's never shown him more than friend emotion. 

This feeling again! Why do I suddenly pity him so much?! Can I stop? Can I just stop?! 

*phone chimes

Oh, Andrea just texted me. 

-You up?
-Yeah I'm up. What's going on? We haven't talked in a while. 

It was about midnight, that means it's about 11 PM at hers. 

-Not much, just wanted to catch up. Also, I got in a fight with mom again. She's such a bitch! She doesn't want us to come home for spring break! I have to stay hear all the way to Summer!
-Oh c'mon you still haven't adjusted? You speak the language so good by now and I'm sure people there are nice and hot! Just meet somebody.
-You know it's not that. I don't like it! And I have a couple of friends... But I miss you. I miss our city and our friendship!
-I know girl! But we're still friends. Nothing's changed besides not being physically able to hug each other. *laugh emoji*
-So now that I vented. How are you? Still hung up on that straight duchebag?
-Not that much, more like obsessing over him...
-What? What do you mean?
-Not in that way. You dirty hoe! *triple laughing emoji. 
-But then how?
-Well, it's just, I told you that we're now sitting together. That means I spend way too much time with him and way too close. I've learned stuff about him.

I explain to her what I know of him, his family and how it must be hard to be the middle kid. It feels so good to tell somebody all of this and get some of my internalised feelings out of the system. She's always there to hear me out and just listen and try and comfort me. We're both kind of bad at giving advice on anything. 

*I smile and laugh at the thought of it

-Well, are you going to do anything about it? Like do you want to talk with him about this maybe? And what do you want with him after all? You know you can't be more than friends...and given you, that's not going to work.
-*sigh emoji, I don't know. He'll never answer any of my questions if I suddenly start meddling in his life. He's keeping it all to himself most of the time. And he's so weird about anything personal. He's only sharing normal random stuff that's like always not about him. Most of the time is always about how his mom told him the millionth time to study. And I don't know if I want to make it awkward between him and me. It's already weird. 
-Man, I know what you could do. You could stop obsessing over him. Choose to be friends. Choose not to care. Choose to be just there if he needs you. Let him open up. What if one day he suddenly pats your shoulder and spits out something that happened to him and asks you for advice?
-That sounds...nice. I would love that, but you know how I overthink stuff. I like to play it out in my head to an unhealthy level...*meh emoji, laughing emoji, peace emoji.
-We both need to see a shrink! *laughing emojis and peace emoji.
*more laughing emojis from me.

It was getting late so I told her I'm gonna end it for the day. And I actually feel more at ease, with everything. I think I will just take it easy tomorrow. Just let him be the one who initiates the conversations. See if I feel better then. I can't expect much though. He doesn't talk much with me anyway. It's more like, stare less at him, think less about him. Basically fall out of love with him and then try to make friends with him. Easy! Right? God, I hate it that he's so weird. And how can I just get over somebody who just you know, messes with me, saves my life twice? 

*I scream on the inside and let out a sigh as I close my eyes

I guess it's going to have to be a bromance over a romance, and it's still going to be an out of reach goal.

..........................................................................

Oh my god?! Another chapter? This one is shorter even. But I think Aiden was long overdue some time with his self-consciousness. I hope you like it. See ya at the next one! At this point, I don't even know if you like what I write, but I'll finish the story. I have what, 11th and 12th grade to go. 
*insert anxiety chuckle