Living Closeted

When did I know ?

To whoever reads this right now you must be wondering: 'But he's 15! How can he know... He's got no sexual experience!' or 'Ew! He's sick he needs help' in which case either you read my story and rethink your opinion or you better stop reading. But for the curious ones you just know. It's startling to think that as you evolve you find yourself staring at some guy's pecs, package and all. You don't even know what's going on. Then the first wet dreams come around and you're definitely both freaked out but also weirdly enjoying that state of mind. What no adult teaches their kids is what happens to your body as you grow. My sexual self-finding story can be traced all the way back to when I was 13. There was this cool guy in my class (gotta be 7th grade) a bit jocky. But to this day I still puzzle around to remember what really attracted me that much to him. All I know is that I kept admiring his body. I was in love with his legs- a quality which still is the first thing I notice at a guy- but also I loved to admire not just his but every attractive guy's package. It turned me on anytime this little game.
But then smartphones appeared and so did porn sites for all kind of people. So I said why not delve in and see what's all about. So, of course, I was very confused about my sexuality and when I realised and became aware of the fact that everybody is into girls I started freaking out. (Cheers to the first major moment that was the foundation of my anxiety)
But porn really helped clear the fog... well most of it. It was true I was not aroused by straight porn but gay porn did the trick and it does ever since. You know what happens next: every guy's first and most consistent relationship - it: right hand. But I don't want to gross you out by explaining to you how I jack off.
Come again? I said it doesn't clear the fog entirely? I did say that and its true. You see out of those 3-4 friends I told you I have one is this stunning girl, good looks tall, and I was in love with her for 2 years. She rejected me obviously. How could she not... way outta my league. This is what gives me pause. I am not attracted or aroused in any way by the female body yet I fall in love with a girl. And well math brought into the discussion it's just recently happened that I fell out of love with this gall.
I'm still as confused as ever.