Living Closeted

'He's back!'

As the title gives it away this is the week the king will take back his throne. When we'll give Caesar what's his. When my bully gets back it's victim. It was late Sunday night. Well, it was past midnight so I guess a very early Monday morning. I was having a fifth existential crisis and possibly a third panic attack. As you already should know this much about me. My brain is like a world war battlefront where my inner demons fight with what should be my merry spirits. Whenever one side throws the other off-balance I get a mood swing. But as you also should know this much about me the war going on between these 'mini mes' is that the evil one are butchering the me's of hope. Thus, the state of mind that I couldn't snap out of since Monday. 
Of course, I had thought of the billion scenarios of what will happen tomorrow. I think I told you this already. At this point, I don't really know. What I did wonder was how many buckets could I have filled with the number of tears that have seeped over my cheeks. My eyes were blood-red. I had stains from the tears all over my face. And I couldn't stop crying. When my parents finally saw something was off I lied and said I had been secretly dating this girl and she cheated on me so I had to deal with it and break up with her. They tried to give me it's just your first relationship honey. There's plenty of fish in the sea. But it was a futile effort. I wasn't crying because of that. I was sobbing and crying my soul out because I had to endure it all again from tomorrow. The shame, the guilt, the fear, the torment and the pretend to be alright. The shame because people might now find who was in the video. The guilt for loving him but sending him to prison... or at least trying everything I could. The fear of what he'll do to me which leads to the anguish and misery I dreaded I will relive again. But the worst of it must be squeezing every drop of self-esteem and pride so that I won't talk back to him so that at least I minimise the damage he'll do. Maybe if I keep my mouth shut and do as he says and ignore him when he's not doing anything to me will weaken the pain.
I eventually fell asleep... sobbing. 
My 7th alarm in a row ultimately manages to wake me up. I brushed my teeth and put whatever was left from Friday on the chair and left without doing my hair without saying good morning or eating breakfast. I didn't even listen to music on my way to what will now be the prison of my soul.
Of course, he wasn't there yet. Besides even if I woke up in the last moment I still got 2 minutes earlier. He's usually 10 minutes late. Twelve fucking minutes of silence I said. 
Or so I hoped. But it seemed like my presence reminded everyone of the big day. The day when they'll finally get all their questions answered. The day when they get their king back.
I kept checking my phone. Two minutes left. I started counting...4, 3, 2,1... and the door opened.
Everyone froze and sighed and looked in shock as if they were wearing blindfolds these past days and didn't know he was going to be back. Even the teacher was looking very surprised. My tongue was itching. I wanted to tell them to calm down it's not like the queen just walked in but I knew better today. Today wasn't the day for big mouths and talk back. Today was the 'keep your head down and dodge whatever you can' day. Quite a mouthful. 
He looks unfazed by everybody's reaction. And then it hit me. The deja vu feeling I was having. My mind exploded to a million pieces. All apart from me and my entourage are the Ministry of Magic with the teacher as the Minister- Cornelius Fudge- and I am Harry Potter with the DA. He, of course, was He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. 
'I swear if someone says he's back I'm outta here.' fuck I let this one slip. I thought I told myself to dodge today...
I saw someone across the room opening his mouth and I gave him the death stare as if I was trying to telepathically tell him 'Don't you dare say it! No. Don't say it'.
'He's back!' I hear a faint whisper from behind. It was somebody else, not the colleague I had just scared. 
That's it I give up. Let Voldemort possess my mind already and let's get it done with.
Let the walk of shame begin. Do your worst... Why can I now only think that Potter and Voldy's minds were magically connected to each other and that would mean mine and Adrian are too and why does that make me deep down so happy and flustered?? 
He's first royal command now that he'd regained his status was to take back his throne which was sitting empty as no one dare sits in it while he was gone.
His second? 
'Did you miss me?' he whispered provocatively in my ear. 
My skin turned to chicken skin and the hair on my back tensed a little as I stopped breathing and my heart could now outrun a Ferrari. I was holding a pencil in my hands and I snapped it in half without even being there... with my mind. The sound of it and the sudden tension relief brought me back to the present.
'Oh, shit' I flustered.
I could feel his burning look on my back. He must be smiling. 
I then feel something small but hard on my shoulder. I reach for it as I don't have the power to turn around and look in his eyes. In fact, if I think about it this day is also 'avoid his gaze or you'll turn to his slave' day. 
It was a pencil... I was out of words. In 10 minutes he completely managed to break every synaptic link of my brain. I... but uh... What now!! WHAT NOW!! C'mon Diaz think!
And I stood there starring at that pencil for the rest of the hour. I don't know if I blinked. I don't know if I breathed or if my heart pumped. All I know is that when the bell rang I almost fell off my chair.