Living Closeted

Suicidal

I woke up the next day and for all of the mornings this month with the same feeling; I'm going to see him again at school...no wait I won't. And it was self-inflicted even though I knew that for a month I won't be seeing Adrian at all. But my body was having trouble forgetting how to live without Adrian's presence in my life. It appears I was jonesing for his touch, for his daily badgering. I missed his image on my retina. I missed hearing his voice. Every sense of my body was missing Adrian. I missed his perfume... And I couldn't snap out of it even if I were held at gunpoint. 
One week was unusually hard to get through. I woke up the same on Monday. The same lingering feeling, pressing on my chest longing for him... The memory of the first day formed in my head. I could remember how I just looked at him and knew. I knew at that moment he's going to be trouble. Why couldn't things have stayed like that? Then it hit me. Three weeks after the incident with the tape it hit me. Everybody knew... How the hell didn't I noticed it... If they saw me having sex with Adrian they all know I'm gay... I felt nauseated and rushed for the toilet and vomited my guts out. I was shaking and tears were falling down my rosy cheeks. I puked again. Luckily I didn't get to eat anything so I didn't really have much to throw out. I cleaned myself and took a quick shower just to erase any sign of what just happened. I brushed my teeth and did my hair, followed my routine. I packed my bag and I left for school.
When I arrived at school I talked with my deskmate if she could switch places with Emma just for the day. She was reluctant at first... I swear she has a deathwish... but she came around.
'What's this about?'
'I just realised that everybody knows Emma! About you know...'
'That you're gay? Aiden they were looking at you on the train because Adrian was in that spot too. They weren't looking and laughing at you because they knew who was in the video. Have you ever watched the video ?'
Now that she mentioned it. I think I must've been so overwhelmed I didn't actually check if you can tell who's he fucking.
'Even if they cannot tell who is he fucking... What would have been the point of sending them the video?'
'He sends it because he wanted to show... Well, no offence... He wanted to show how slut you were and what you'd do to have him.'
I blushed with anger... I didn't do anything slut worthy those nights. If anything he did... But it still doesn't mean they can't put two and two together and realise when it was shot and figure it could have only been me.
'But they kind of know when he recorded it...'
'No, they don't. He was all week before the trip in clubs and posted constantly on IG about it. He ended a couple of times in some hotel rooms as well which he also bragged on IG about.'
'Then why is everyone hating me??'
'They hate you for a completely other reason...'
Wait what?? My head was aching with the amount of information it was receiving. So not only am I safe but they hate me for another reason?? What could I have possibly do to make them hate me like this??
'They hate you because they know you were the one who fought for the removal of the video from their phones and because you pressed charges. They wanted Adrian free as fast as possible so that they can ask him about the video.'
This is complete nonsense... You want to tell me that after all of this episode they still don't hate Adrian?? They love him more?? 
'Didn't you wonder why they didn't hate him after the incident? You thought they weren't because they have some mental illness?'
'Well... now it finally fits all together...'
I said with slight relief that my secret is safe... But that only means nothing is going to change and when he'll be back everything is going to be back to normal... Or wait will he even be convicted if my face isn't in the video? The cops didn't ask about this detail...
'Emma? He won't be convicted will he?'
'I'm sorry Adrian. But the cops told you. The maximum he can get is a month. Didn't they tell you that is because they don't really have evidence? He should be held a year and a bit according to the law...'
'Ok... Emma? I want you to kill me... I want you to do it now cause I can't wake up a month from now and have him waltz back through that door and still rule this place. I just can't. I can't let him keep his power over me.'
I felt sick again. I was shaking a little. Emma grabbed and held my hand in an effort to calm me down. We were after all in class. 
Recess was announced by the bell and the halls were filled with students in seconds. She dragged me in the courtyard as we were finally getting warm weather again. She took her phone out and called Aya and Anja. Aya would be of course accompanied by Ethan. 
'What's up?' asked Ethan. 
'I don't know. I am as clueless as you man' sometimes I marvel myself of how fast I can go from a complete meltdown to a very balanced state of mind.
'You are the only ones who know the truth out all the small-minded people in our class. Could you for love of God tell Aiden that his secret is fine and that no one will be able to figure it out??'
'Aiden... I am so sorry I thought you knew... Poor thing...  They won't figure out shit. Plus who says it's a boy in the video. It's from behind and the light is so poor you can barely tell what he's fucking. The butthole or the pussy.' Said Aya who cracked into laughter in the en.
'And stop thinking about this loser. He only holds power on you as long as you believe it. The moment you'll stop thinking he controls you, you'll see how powerless he truly is.' added Anja quite analytical I may say. She was very creative and dreamy but when she spoke she tended to sound a little philosophical and lawyery. 
'Thanks guys. It means the world to me. But I have to tell you that only solves half the issue at hand. I mean when I left home I thought that this is going to be the hardest one to fix... But it's the jonesigness I have for him that I can't seem to shake off.'
'You're craving him?' asked Emma surprised
'Yes. A lot. I miss his perfume, his badgering, his touch and voice, I miss his image on my retina...' my voice cracked in the end and my head lowered starring at my feet. A drop fell on the asphalt.
'Hey!' said Emma as she lifted my head from the ground ' It's normal. If I were to guess you're in a PTSD phase. Just like a trauma victim who doesn't live her husband even though she's daily abused. We're here for you.'
With that followed a group hug. I felt the most alive in weeks since the incident. But it ceased shortly after when I hear a familiar voice from behind.
'Why are you hugging the faggot?' said Caleb. 
My face turned red as blood turned my cheeks red. I clenched my fists at the sound of what I deemed to be the worst word there is in the vocabulary.
'Watch out your tongue Caleb!' threatened Ethan.
It was the first time he actually stood there for me. 
'Or what? You and these girls are going to do what? He Diaz wanna blow me later' he said laughing like a jackass he is. 
I wanted to punch his face and make him one with the concrete below his feet. I wanted to blow his brains on that concrete and feed him to dogs. 
'What's the matter, Diaz? You're scared you can't handle this bad boy?' he pointed to his pants.
That's it. If you have a death wish I'll happily grant it. And I made a run for his face but got stopped in the tracks by Ethan and the girls. I couldn't do anything but grunt and fight to be released so I can smack his ass. The effort was futile and Caleb walked unharmed out of sight.
'He would've sent you in a matchbox to the nearest hospital Aiden. What were you thinking?? I know that calling somebody faggot is like calling somebody a mudblood... Do you want to be coughing slugs all day or what ??' We all laughed our asses off at what Aya just said. Her Harry Potter reference was epic. 
Emma's phone was suddenly ringing. It was a police number. She picked up. And her smile faded away as the call lasted. She hangs up a couple of minutes after.
'Aiden... Adrian will be released next week. They say he hired a lawyer who pointed out the lack of evidence it was a child involved or that the sex and the recording weren't consensual and he'll be released next week. They are holding him on the grounds he hurt a cop on his way to a cell a couple of days ago.'
I went back to the suicidal state of mind from before. I started shaking with anger and I just was overwhelmed with emotions... Why am I happy he's back so soon? I hate him! No I love him... No he's a jerk... Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I put my had in my hands and fell to my knees and started crying. 
'Why did it have to be me? Why did he have to choose me to screw with??' I said in between sobs. 
Emma put her hand on my should in another attempt to comfort me. It didn't really work but I got up and Ethan walked me to the nearest restroom. He made sure no one came in. I washed my face with freezing cold water to make me look at least ok.
'You ok?' he asked with a worried face.
'No. But I have to push through' 
We walked together in silence towards the next class. 

The next days I cried so often I was fascinated by the number of tears I could produce. I did my best to hide it from my parents but it wasn't hard at all. Sometimes I think that I could cry in front of them and they wouldn't notice. But as soon as I do something that they don't like, for exampling not taking out the trash, they'd be punishing me like I killed somebody.
I kept overthinking about billions of different scenarios that were forming in my head. Countless different results, one worse than the previous one. I kept thinking that I will not be able to resist him and end up getting back with him. I also for some reason thought that he'd come changed. That this whole experience with jail and all will at least scare him into stop acting like this. I believed he'd really change and want me back at the same time. WHY AM I LIKE THIS?? I'm not bipolar but I'm very confused about him. 
In three days he'll be back behind me in class and I can't do anything to change that. In three days he'll be poking the back of my head again. In three days he'd land a slap on my butt once every couple of weeks. In three days everything is going to be exactly like it was before the field trip. He won't want me back. He won't be a changed person. But he'll be hungrier for bullying. That scared the crap out of me.