Living Closeted

Lesson learned. No more second chances.

'So?' 

Oh, God. I completely forgot how to human. I completely froze and kept starring at him. I knew that if I wanted to keep hiding and withholding who I am I had to keep a straight and composed face. And say something completely sincere so it looks like it is what I want to say. 

' Wow. While I'm taken aback by this confession while being so touched by your words... I can't say more than thank you for coming straight to me. Thank you for the very heartfelt words. I know who I am. I know that all of it it's true about me. I love to care for people. I know that at the same time my emotional IQ is more than low and I have some issues to solve. But you can't just expect me to see through all of your definitely sick behaviours. You need help just as much as I do. Of course, if you want to we can be friends. But on that last part, the part where you think you understand what I'm going through? Never say that again to me. No one knows and you will never know because it is none of your business. No, if you think I'm secretly falling in love with you... you're giving yourself too much credit. Yes, you are something quite special that I can't describe... you're truly on to something but the fact that you made me this past term feel like shit every second... it's not because of it. So leave me be if you say you care for me '

At that moment something inside of me broke. I felt my heart shatter to pieces. I need air. Emma followed closely. 

'What was all that? Why did you just lie to the entire class right there? They're going to be your colleagues for 3 and a half more years!! Do you really want this time spent in one of the most beautiful and memorable time of your life to be a lie? That all of your friendships that you will grow over the years to have at the base a lie? Aiden... I'll be forever there for you. But besides me and maybe Aya... You won't breathe, you won't date, you won't experience it all... You'll be drowning in regret and despair for not being able to be who you are...'

'Thank you, Emma. I mean thank you for your concern I do appreciate that you care so much for me. But I know what I'm doing. This place? This country, this whole fucked up society we live in... No this isn't safe! It will never be safe for people like to be... us.'

She hugged me as tears were forming in the corner of her eyes. She already knew everything that I just told her. Everybody does. You're either straight or you're straight. There's no choice. Maybe someday, people like me will be able to hold hand with whoever we want, maybe we'll be able to kiss wherever and whoever we want. Get married, adopt... not having to come out to anyone cause it's just seen as something casual... something normal.

I didn't leave the party. I enjoyed what was left of it. Adrien... not so much. I could really see that he was upset... maybe, after all, there is hope for him. 

The second term was about to begin, in just a few days. So just as you can imagine my mind was all over the place. Could the entire school already be in the picture of what went on at the party? Will everyone question my sexuality? Will Adrian still pick on me?  So many thoughts going storming through my brain. But I had a promise to myself to keep. I will not surrender anymore to these thoughts.

Before the term. At home with my mom and stepdad. Don't get me wrong. When my mom decided to leave my father she made the best decision of her life at that time. She saved not only her from an abusive and possessive man but she also saved me and my brother. Four years later, though she had already been with who will have become my stepdad for 3 or 4 years at that time, they had a baby. My sister. Nine years between me and my sister, and just shy over a year between me and my brother. It feels great a lot of times to be the oldest. But during that weekend before the term, it didn't that much. The downside of being 15 is that it resemblances the period when you start to rebel. You no longer want to blindly do anything that anybody asks from you. You talk back. You make your stand and sometimes even though you've got some solid arguments you still lose the fight. It's infuriating and it only adds more to the state of rebellion. That weekend I was away on Saturday for most of the day and as I was making my way back home I received a text from my mom. My mom is a pretty tall woman, way over the average, but not too much. We share the same skin colour, same eye colour. We even share the same eye shape. Deer eyes. But that's it. Anything else that I am, physically, comes from my father which I hate so much. But on the inside? I swear if somebody would've decided to clone two people and have them behave and act the same... We just are both terrible at expressing what we feel. We both want to give so much damn love to the people we love, react just like anyone and not giving off the stone-cold bitch vibe all the time. Well, she got better at this since she became a mother but she still has serious communication issues just as I do.  
The only thing I hate about her is that she has the worst habit in the world after drinking I guess. Smoking. And on that Saturday late evening when every shop near our home is close she decided that out of all the people that were home all day but me I had to find a store to buy a loaf of bread and a pack o' ciggies. I went mad, naturally. I couldn't understand why she had to wait all day for me to be in the hood when there were both my stepdad and brother at home.
It was an argument that I'd be having with her all the time for the following years. I got home and continued the argument outside the virtual world of texting. It didn't matter that I was throwing solid thinking at her, it mattered that I dared accuse her of anything. It mattered that I disrespected her because apparently as she's the parent I'm not allowed to talk back. 
With that, I went to bed furious than ever muttering all kinds of curses. The bad mood I had from that night was to set my entire mood for the following week.

Monday. I wake up after 10 hours of sleep just to feel as exhausted as after 5 hours of sleep. I swear I don't get why no matter how much and when I sleep, I never feel rested. I woke up with a numb hand as well on top of it. But what was even weirder was the dream that I had. It was so surreal. It was this class at highschool, nothing similar to mine and it was pretty much everyone there. But I was walking outside. Someone told me somebody was asking for me on the hallway. As I put my first foot on the hallway's floor I got grabbed and pushed to the wall. Strong, manly hands blocking me from escaping. Two ocean coloured circles were starring into my soul as if they were trying to photograph every inch of my being as if they wanted to know every single detail of who I was. I couldn't speak. For some reason, all I could do was listen to my way over the chart heartbeats. I was barely breathing and it was like I was jinxed by the perfection of who was so close to me. I could feel his body's heat, I could smell his perfume, face so close, lips barely separated. As he kissed me, I could feel my growing erection. His tongue met mine in a fiery dance. I was shaking but he put his arms around me and held me tighter to his chest. I could feel his heartbeats, they were racing too. My body was responding so naturally like I knew exactly what to do. I placed my right hand on his chest while my left went for his juicy ass. We briefly parted lips for air and our eyes were locked in again. It wasn't a blinking contest but it was our souls who wanted to kiss now. It was our souls turn to caress each other, to explore their limits and intertwine their destinies to reach nirvana. And just as I was feeding off of his face features I woke up. I was covered in sweat, gasping for air, heartbeat racing. 
Then it all came back over me. It hit me like a train. I'm falling in love. I can't look at him today in the eye and hide this. Then the fight with my mom brought the sour feeling and we are back to where we left off. Will the entire school be talking about what went on at the party as I pass on that wretched school's hallways? Will everyone question my sexuality? Will Adrian still pick on me? Will everyone side with him because of every single word that I said? But I remembered what I promised myself, a promise that is more and more acting like the safety-belt that's keeping me to succumb to my inner demons. The last defence I have.

So with this in mind, I manned up and stepped in on the school's grounds. I slowly climbed the stairs, following the path to my class. Head held high, no looking sideways. Hand on the doorknob. I step in and all stop and stare for a while. I take my sit in the third row, Adrian behind me. The dream pops up in my head, I blush. But I shake it off. Then everything hits me all at once. Emma, Aya and Caleb, who was caring a latte, were marching towards my desk. I get up and greet them. Well, just Emma and Aya sincerely, Caleb just out of politeness. 
'You good?' asks Emma.