Living Closeted

It ain't love if it's hard

The next day I woke up at about 2 pm, no headache and sober. Gotta love my body sometimes. I am just hangover proof. Memory flashes hit me moments after I got up. As I walk to the bathroom I remember the night before and everything that happened. 
'Damn... That was hot sex' I said out loud as I was home alone. 
I brushed my teeth and took a quick shower to freshen myself up. I then felt my stomach churn. I was hungry. I opened the fridge and looked... and looked. I sighed. I was out of yoghurts. But hey there's eggs, peppers, mushrooms and green onion. Omelette it is. I gotta tell you this. Omelette with mushrooms and peppers is delicious. Add some onion and cheese and it's heaven. I ate my masterpiece and I then caught up with my homework. It was about 5 pm and I was bored. 
*Ding dong* the doorbell rung. 
'Who could possibly be? My mom didn't warn me of any guest nor did I invite anyone... I look through the peeping hole and I saw a very ravished blonde young and familiar young lady. I opened the door and let her in. I wonder what she's doing here. I haven't seen her in ages. Readers, I introduce you to my oldest and best friend Andrea Olsten. We used to live in the same flat. She was on the ground floor and I was on the third floor. We knew each other since we were 4 and 3. I am one year older than her. Three years ago she moved to France with her family. Her mother was a doctor and got a well-paid job there. She knew everything about me including the past year's events. She hated Adrian to the guts for how he was treating me and she didn't hold back at any chance to remind me how naive I am to let him get under my skin.
I hugged her tight and kissed her cheek. 
'What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were in France until Summer!' I said with a puzzled but enthusiastic look on my face.
'We got our spring holiday and mom thought this year we'd be coming during spring break as well'
'Let's go into the living room. I'll take your jacket. I am so thrilled you're back!'
'Me too!'
'What do you want to do?'
'Well, I am tired. We landed today so I'm pretty tired after the flight. How about Netflix, pizza and you spilling some tea?'
'That sounds great.' I said as I got my phone and ordered two large pizzas. I then remembered I hadn't had the chance to tell her about last night. Great! This time she'll actually punch me.
'So how's your life. I haven't heard anything from you lately' she said.
I looked down and thought hard about what to say. The truth... I trust her after all. So I explained everything and told her about the party and the chance I had to get rid of him and how I decided not to.
'You are so dumb!' she said as she punched me hard in the arm, right in between muscles. My arm went numb
'Ouch!'
'You deserve it! You should know better!'
'Do I have to remember you about your ex? How off your compass was??'
She blushed and sighed. 
'I hate you sometimes, you know?'
'You love me. That's what I know' I said as I gently pushed her on her shoulder. 'What d'you want to watch? I'm thinking The Vampire Diaries?'
'OMG yes!'
I brought some chips from the kitchen to munch on until the pizza came. Right before the second episode started the doorbell rang again. 
'Pizza is served. Here is hot sauce and here is the sweet sauce. Bon appetite!'
We stopped after the fourth episode. It was getting late and she had to either go home or crash here but we didn't have space.
'Promise me we'll hang out soon. I'm leaving in a week'
'I promise. Don't we at least see each other two times a year?'
It was true. Every time she was in town it would overlay with me being out of town or in final exams or with other people. So even if she would be for say a month in town we would only see each other just a couple of times.
'Oh and also. I have to meet this douchebag soon. I feel like not knowing how he's in person just ads to my hate towards him which backfires on you. And also if this is the last time we see... small advice? It's always bad to fall for your bully. Love shouldn't be hard and painful. Love shouldn't be a relationship where only one compromises or only one gets to have fun. Love should be easy and it doesn't have to mean fancy dates or gifts or grand gestures. Love is when you are comfortable with your special other and love is when you can't stand being apart from each other. If you are afraid to even once of that person... if you fear he might hurt you that's not love.'
'That was huge advice. But I'll try to live by it. Though I don't know Andrea... he makes me smile too. It's not all torment and suffering. He's been sweet lately compared to the last term and if you don't think of the tape. Which I have a feeling that he won't threaten me with any longer. You know my gut is always right'
'I know. I just don't want to see you get hurt. This is... as sick and tangled and hard to understand it may be... is your first relationship. And it's the one you're going to forever remember. You never forget your first.' she said with dreamy eyes and a smile on her face. She must be thinking of her first boyfriend. She was eleven when that happened. It was silly but if she thinks of it as something epic even now after three years... I want that too. I want something epic worth remembering, worth telling my kids... I want to feel the same love I am willing to give you. I am worth loving. 
I cupped her cheeks and kissed her forehead. 
'Thank you. You reminded me that I'm worthy of love and that I deserve better than Adrian. But I want you to know that I also want to get hurt. I'm no longer scared of it. Yes. Your first love is epic and it's going to forever be embedded on your brain. But it's also going to be painful when the magic disappears. It's going to make cry for days 'till you're ready to love again to just get your heartbroken all over again and again... and again. Up to the point, you find the one. The one you want to settle with. The one you want to put a ring on his finger and the one you'd wanna raise an army of kids. And Adrian? I don't know if he's going to be my first. He's just the one I lost my virginity to. We're not together yet. But if we'll be and if it'll be epic no matter how much I'll hurt after he breaks my heart I am ready. Plus I have you to put me back together.' I said as I winked at her. 'Now go. It's getting late and your cab must be here by now.'
She kissed my cheek and as she stepped out the apartment she said.
'For someone who's always had issues at expressing how he feels you're quite the romantic. Bye'

I cleaned after us in the living room and retreated in my room. I watched some tv then went to sleep. I woke the next morning and went to school. I took my usual seat. Adrian wasn't at school yet. He's either not coming or he'll be late. But then I realised that my deskmate was also missing and she's never late unless she's not coming at all. She must be sick or something cause she also never misses school. It was a first. Now two things happen when two seats are empty and there is only one more person to come. Obviously he can choose where to sit. And since Adrian is the one left to come I have a feeling he'll sit with me. Or he can just take his usual sit next to his also dull and boring deskmate.
Just as when the bell rang he entered the room. He stopped in his tracks. My eyes met his and a smirk formed on his face. I tried to telepathically tell him 'Don't you dare' but it was a futile effort. He quickly got the seat next to me.
'Hey partner. Happy to see me?'
'You wish!' I said visibly annoyed. 'I think you're in the wrong seat'
'If your friend comes I'll move, but if not...' I swear his face said something like ' I going to ravish the hell out of you. ' I'll have so much fun today'
'Do you just feed on other people's despair Underwood? Are you that sad that your only joy comes from treating others like shit?'
'Well, when you put it that way you make me sound like a monster. But yes. I feed on how cute you get when you're angry'
I looked the other way as I felt my cheeks heat up. 'Please don't see that  I'm blushing' I was thinking. But I could feel his burning look on my neck and it made it worse. 'Calm down Diaz!' I told my body. He's just messing with you again. Finally, the blush disappeared. I looked back at him.
'Well if you're going to keep me company today you better behave. No tickling me no poking me no touching!'
'I hardly think you can survive a day without my touch but for the first two, I promise I'll behave. Scout's honour.'
'You're no scout!'
'Ok, you got me on this one. But you get the point'
For the rest of the week, I had to endure his presence next to me rather than behind me which felt good. He did behave. He'd step out of line then and then and put his hand on my thigh which turned me on but also made me blush hard. And when I'd tell him to stop or I'd kick him out of my desk he'd put this pouty face on and give me the puppy eyes. I swear I wanted to scratch him behind his ear once. That's how adorable he got. 
After the last period on Friday and idea popped in my head. Andrea does want to meet him and he seems in a good mood. 
'Hey, Adrian! Say... would you want to hang out tomorrow? Me, Emma, Aya, Anja and Ethan? Oh and also this old friend of mine Andrea will also be there. But I'd love if you'll also come. Please!!!' I said with an equally adorable pouty face with puppy eyes.
'Let me check my schedule'
I hit his shoulder right away after that sentence.
'Stop acting so important! See you tomorrow at 3 PM'
'It's a date then.'
My heart stopped beating and I was lost. I was snapped to reality fast though.
'Are you going to keep staring at me? I mean I know you like what you see but don't make it so obvious!'
'Please! I wasn't starring at you. I just spaced out... Plus it's not a date. I just think that even though you are Satan's son on earth and you did what you did... You deserve friends. And I see that lately, Caleb's not really enough.'
'Caleb and I've known each other since secondary but that doesn't mean we are super close. He's fun and all but...' he looked down. His smile faded away. I could see a little pain in the face he had now on. 
I didn't push on with the questions on this topic. I got my stuff and plugged my headphones on... well just one as I wanted to also leave room for chatting. We walked together to the subway station. He was silent and it killed me that I ruined his mood. But what to say? I'm sure what he wanted to say was something like 'he doesn't get me' or 'I can't share stuff with him' or 'I've got no one to talk with'. The thing with Adrian is that he's got that mentality where I think he believes men shouldn't cry. Men should be strong and provide and all. That expressing your feelings makes you a homosexual or a girl. And this toxic masculinity mentality is the reason why men commit suicide more than girls. We should be allowed to cry. We should be allowed to be soft and needy sometimes. Great. Now I am furious too.
We sat next to each other on the train. I had two stops until he'd get off and I'll be all alone. I have about 5 minutes to say something empathic. 
'Uhm... Why did you sit next to me these past two days?'
He blushed a little. Just a little but still noticeable. He let out a little giggle too right before he spoke.
'I kinda like you. You're a nice person and a too nice guy. Sometimes I marvel at your strength to just forgive and forgive and put up with my shit. I also knew you weren't going to kick me out of your desk because you're also that kind of person who sees past his own complexes. You always do the right thing.'
'I'm not perfect you know? I mean for some reason I let you have sex with me to start with'
We both laughed.
'You know I was in a bad place after that Caleb talk but now I'm not. Thanks to you'
We both got off at the second stop. If for him this means he's home. To me, it means that I have to change lines. He hugged me before leaving.
I swear sometimes he's so hard to understand. One week it's like he's only goal is to emotionally destroy me and the other he's just a sweetheart.

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This is Andrea. It's a good resemblance of how she actually looks like. This chapter was a little dull but I kind of ran out of ideas. I don't really know where I want the story to go. What I do know is that Aiden has to keep his secret. But I don't know if he and Adrian should end up together. Feel free to share your opinions about this in the comment section