Living Closeted

I matter

The following week after Adrian bailed on me and the group that weekend I channelled all my strength to show him how much I didn't care he wasn't there to show him how much I don't care about him at all. Not very mature, I know but I was only 15. The truth is that whatever was in happened because I was vulnerable and I really wanted to know how it feel like to kiss someone and how it feels to do it. The last time it happened because I needed something from him and because I wanted to have fun. So that only means that whatever feelings I had for him must have been just a fog of confusion generated by these past sexual encounters. Yes. It must be it. I don't want him and I never had. He's a short-minded jock with a sole purpose in life of humiliating others so that by contrast he gets to be on the better light.
I am not any kind of other people. I am the kid who survived his parents' divorce. I am a kid who grew up emotionally fast and realised what kind of person I don't want to be. By this I mean I'm growing to be exactly the opposite of what my father is, even though physically I don't get to choose. I am gay and confused indeed. But that doesn't mean I should let anyone take advantage of my unreliable emotional state. I am smart and I got looks. I'm no hunk but I'm no scarecrow. Yes I'm balding and yes I'm short, but Bruno Mars is short and he's amazing. I too am amazing. I've been toughened up by everything bad and on edge situation, I've been into. The slight poverty from which my mom and my stepdad fought hard to get out of? I now know at the age of 15 the value of money. Constant bullying? I now am starting to fight back. I no longer have a thin skin for people to get under easily. I built a fortress around my heart and tried to let someone crack it open but I'll no longer to that mistake again... ever. I want to be strong and to stand tall against all the bad weather to come. 
I matter.
And with that mindset, I began my week. I woke up early, finally. I have enough time to completely follow my routine and more. I'm gonna look neat as fuck. Add some confidence and I'm exactly 'turn heads around' material as I'll strut around the high school's corridors.
I put on my super skinny jeans to make my legs pop and since black goes with everything I put on my newly bought fancy multi-coloured shirt. I borrowed my dad's classy watch and cleaned my glasses to the point they reflected the sunlight. I shaved and damn do I look fresh. The last step was to clean my adidas shoes so the look not only looks amazing but it also looks clean and fresh. I put my leather jacket on and took my bag and left early.
The sun was shining bright today and together with the singing birds announced that Spring had finally taken over. I loved it when I was aware of season changes and how it smelled so pleasantly and distinctly when Spring kicks in versus when Summer kicks in... and you know where my train of thoughts goes from here. 
You know what? Today is going to be great. Today, not a single thing will ruin my mood. Nay! Nothing will gro wrong today. 
It so it was. My bus came on time and so did the subway. I even got seats in both of them. So there I am. Well on time stepping in the courtyard. Walking tall and confident in my homeroom. I could even see a couple of heads giving me the ' oh my god he looks so fine ' look. I cockily smiled at the thought of it. I even gallantly held the door for the girls behind me. 
I step in my homeroom and I don't care who's in it and who's watching. All I care is that a certain person was sitting with his butt on my desk. I walked up to him and into his space. Looked him in the eye and harshly told him to get off my desk. He was taken aback by my attitude so he abided. I threw my bag where he used to sit seconds before and took my rightful place on my seat waiting for my deskmate to arrive. My right deskmate and not who filled her shoes last week. And if she's still ill I will sit alone. 
Emma was approaching me and I pointed her towards the door to suggest we talk outside where people can see and admire me. 
'So what with the look change and cocky attitude. You finally decided it was time you shine?'
'Yes, miss.' I smiled at her. 'Do you like what you see?'
'If I didn't know better I'd say you were hitting on me... but' she said whispering then ' you're gay. But yes I do like what I see.' she then looked to the people on the hallways. ' Students of Sky high! I want to introduce to you ... Aiden Diaz. Single. Smart. A sens in fashion. But he won't be single for long girls.' 
I tapped her shoulder and told her it was enough, but I also thanked her. What she did was sure to get me the attention I want. The attention that up to this point, in a large part, belonged to my enemy. I really want to see his reaction as people start talking more and more about me. 
I might now know on what boat I just embarked in but I'm ready for whatever storm is out there.
When I got home that day I had again that huge smile on my face. I threw myself on the bed and looked at the ceiling smiling like a stupid hoe. There must be smart hoes out there. 
My mood lasted the whole week and I didn't just turn a couple of heads anymore. Everybody, even those who despise the cockiest people couldn't help but look to see what's all the fuss about. And as so many people started giving me attention someone else finally took notice of this. 
Next Monday I walked the same in my homeroom to see him again on my desk. I got into his space, again and used my same determined and commanding voice.
'I told you last week to never find you again on my desk. Move over!'
'Or what' he said as he got up pushing me a bit.
My stupid classmates started shouting 'fight fight' but I wasn't having it.
'Everybody shut your mouths! No one's fighting.'
'Why is that so Diaz? Afraid I'm gonna wipe the floor with you?'
'You wish! But no. I'd rather not lay a finger on you so that when you do I can call the cops and get the principal and have you finally expelled from this school and out of my life. After all, it seems you're not the king around here anymore'
And it was true. People have started to sympathise with. It made me feel great on one hand, but on the other, it really puzzled me of how people behave. All it took was good and expensive clothes with an overflowing confidence to shake things here and turn people on my side. It was disturbing and depressing that this is what society has become. The same society that if they knew who I was. Who I really was? They would hate me. 
At the sound of my words, I could see fire in Adrian's eyes. Those gorgeous blue and charming eyes of his were now glacial and piercing through my soul. He didn't like it. He didn't like it at all. And I completely understood why. His whole kingdom of confidence built on the capability of being the popular one that let him pick on anyone without any repercussions was crumbling at my feet. He clenched his fists.
'Either you run or I make you one with the floor.' I could feel him trying to hold back all his rage to utter this sentence in between his tightened jaw.
I didn't budge. I'd give him the satisfaction of winning a crucial fight on proving him I didn't care if he hurt me if he cared for me. This was the way to show him I don't care about him at all. And at that moment I neither hated him nor had I any feeling towards him whatsoever.
I saw a tall guy coming closer behind him. He put his hand on his shoulder. It was Ethan.
'C'mon man. He only told you to get off his desk.' he tried to point out as if that would calm the spirits down. 
Sometimes I swear I'm the only bright brain in this room.
'Ethan back off. This is between me and him. I don't want you in this. You'll get hurt. Trust me. And Adrian I think you can move over 'cause you're not beating me today or ever. If you would've you would've done it by now.'
And he did step over. He left the room completely. I took my seat. I felt great. 
For the rest of the week, Adrian gave me peace. He moved on to someone else in the class to torture and torment but I caught him once starring at me as if he'd just wanted to say something but he remembered he shouldn't mess with me.
The next week I saw a poster on the main notice board on the corridor about a volunteering programme part of the town's volunteering programmes for students. It said that students who take part in 10 volunteering events would win a summer camp at the beach. 
I am a Summer kid. I love the sun, even when it's scorching. I'd rather melt than freeze. I love to get a nice good tan and swim in the sea. But I also miss doing something that I felt mattered. In secondary school, I used to also volunteer. I'd go play with kids from primary classes in an effort to teach them fun games so that they play these instead of with their phones. I signed in for the next 10 events and I could already see the other 2 names of my own class written on the form. Emma's and Nathan's names were inked on the paper. I smiled knowing that I could have a couple of familiar faces around with me.
Days past and my mood didn't waver. I participated in my first event with Emma and Nathan who wasn't that bad of a guy. I focused more on the academic too as I no longer had someone to distract my attention from studying, until... 
I arrive at school as the usual but I get stopped in my tracks by Adrian who handed me an invitation card. He didn't say a word, he even avoided my eyes and moved on to the next person handing out invitation cards. I looked at the content written on the card. His birthday is in two weeks. 
That means the first week of May last weekend of the Spring holiday. Right. You don't know. This is the last week before the Spring break. It lasts from last week of April to the end of the first week of May. Somewhere in this holiday, there's also the Easter going on but since I'm an atheist I won't be celebrating it. 
Should I go? I mean he's inviting pretty much everybody so he's inviting me because all of a sudden he felt he had to be polite and not offend anyone? Pass. And I threw the card in the nearest bin. As I turned around another card was already in my hand.
'I knew you'd do that. Please come?' he said more like a question.
I sighed and rolled my eyes. I grabbed the card and muttered a 'whatever'.
I took my seat, finally and went on with my life that has now become as dull as it should've been from the beginning.
This week also went by very fast. I had two months left of this first year of high school and I was feeling nostalgic. I now realise that it hasn't been half as worse as I expected it to be. Not only did I survive but I think I thrived. I grew so much on a mental level. I did stuff that I never thought I could do in my life and I could feel there was so much more inside of me, something that is only now awakening from a deep sleep. I looked ahead at what's still to come and I knew that I was ready. I was ready to make friends, I was ready for the parties, for the ups and downs.
The only thing I'm not quite ready is letting the world know I'm gay. I mean Emma knows. So does Aya and I think Anja too. But I trust them that my secret is safe. No, if they know that doesn't mean I'm not in the closet anymore. But I can breathe and move a little now. And it's a good starting point to an eventual coming out moment for me.







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So this, in my opinion, is the worst chapter by far. I did hit a writer's block this past week and I also didn't really have the time to write with all the celebration that has been going on with Christmas and New Year's Eve and all. Bear with me for just a couple more chapters as the last months of school unfold for our boy Aiden. And please forgive my dull writing in this chapter.