Losing Your Memory ° Kai Parker

Chapter 19

And I just can't imagine
How you could be so okay now that I'm gone

-11 months after-

It was a Friday evening and the bar was pretty crowded but everyone had already ordered, so I was quietly cleaning some glasses on the background since I didn't have any new customers.
I actually enjoyed this part of my job a lot. Doing simple, almost mechanic things like cleaning and listening to people chattering, there was something really peaceful about that. It made me feel like I was a part of the conversation in a way. Even if I didn't speak.
Especially around the holidays.

Almost 10 months had past since that awful night of the wedding. It was a difficult time to say the least. Jeremy still didn't know anything about what happened and I felt guilty but I also didn't want to ruin his life. I didn't want to get him involved with the mess I had created.
I knew everything was my fault. I spent everyday thinking of how my choices had led up to that day. If I hadn't trust him. If I didn't have a relationship with him he wouldn't have felt the need to punish me. I couldn't stop thinking of the lives I had destroyed. Not just Elena's who had lost Damon but Alaric's, Damon's....

I had thought of taking my own life. Many times. But I wasn't strong enough to do that I guess. Each time something held me back. Sometimes I wished Damon would do it so it all would be over.
I knew he wanted to. But he was gone too now. God knows where with the siren. Probably with his humanity off.

I sighed and set the glass at the counter. I had been over those things so many times but I guess now that the holidays were near the realization that I didn't have many of the people I loved with me made things worse.
I was thankful for Nate, Bonnie, Caroline,Elena and Stefan.
Even though something told me they wished I had died that night. I had seen the look in their eyes that night after he had showed up. I had seen the hatred their eyes held towards me. I was the one that had brought him closer to our circle. And even though they would never admit it... I knew they blamed me as much as I blamed myself.
Bonnie never stopped looking for a way to kill him without hurting the twins, even though we all knew this couldn't happen.
Caroline was too occupied with the twins to think about anything else and I didn't blame her. It was a distraction for sure.
As for Alaric... I don't think he would ever want to speak to me again.

And this stung the most.
I loved Alaric with all my heart. He was like a father to me, Elena and Jeremy.
I would never forget the look in his eyes when Jo died...

My thoughts were interrupted from sound of someone's voice calling me.
"What a man needs to do to get a beer around here?"
The voice was familiar but I didn't pay much attention to it. I grabbed a glass and looked up to the person who was sitting to ask what kind of beer they wanted.
The glass in my hand fell and shattered but I didn't even react, too occupied staring in terror at the person in front of me.

You know those dreams you have where you see yourself naked in front of the whole school and you don't know how to react so you just stand there in shock?
That's how I was.
I was aware everyone was looking at me confused and I was aware of the blue eyes of the person in front of me staring at me but I couldn't move or speak.
"Hi Jenny." Kai said casually.

I took a step back, although I didn't have much space to move but my instincts still warned me to stay as far away as I could.

"You haven't seen your man in so long and this is how you react?" He faked a sad face.

"What do you want?" I asked in a low, trembling voice.

"To talk to you love." He smiled like he was indeed a friend I hadn't seen in a long time.