Losing Everything

Chapter 10.12

It was actually quite upsetting.

Lucy didn’t know if she’d be able to do a real job.

Not that she didn’t want to, or wouldn’t like it, or that she thought it was beneath her. She actually wasn’t sure whether she’d be any use at anything other than software development, and she wasn’t sure whether anyone would actually let her try, either, since they would probably think she was both unskilled and overqualified. She wondered whether she would have employed herself, if the situation had arisen. Probably not, she thought. Not now, when she was so long out of university, and not with her having been doing what she’d been doing all those years. She probably wouldn’t seem like a good risk, she thought. She’d be expected to have a bad attitude, because she’d been her own boss for too long. People would assume she’d act like she was still in charge, and be pushy and demanding. Any sensible employer would assume she’d be difficult to work with, and probably wouldn’t even give her a chance.

Lucy wouldn’t have given herself a chance, she was fairly sure, if she’d asked herself for a job. And she wasn’t even sure that she wouldn’t be right to.

She thought about that, gloomily.

There wasn’t much she knew how to do. Other than running tech companies, she didn’t really have any useful skills, not actual skills like handling food safely or counting money quickly or remembering what allergens were in different dishes.

She had watched people sometimes, doing their jobs, and was always a little impressed how effortless other people made their work seem. And by how it was still effortless, even after hours standing behind a counter, serving people like Lucy, who were probably rude and ungrateful and difficult, as often as not.

Lucy thought about that, too and wondered whether she was even capable of it.

She didn’t think she was. Not doing it well, and not without causing everyone she worked with a lot of extra bother.

For a moment she almost thought about drowning herself again, just because it would be simpler, but she knew she wasn’t actually going to do it. Not now, not any more. Instead, she had to deal with this, and find a job. A normal job.

She was just a little scared of trying, and finding out she wasn’t useful, and that no-one actually wanted her, no matter how hard she tried.

She sat, miserably, knowing what she had to do, but reluctant to admit it to herself. She knew, though. She didn’t have much money, and what she did have wasn’t going to last very long. And as well, she was going to be in courts for years, too, most likely. So she needed to do something to survive. Unlike Jake and the rest of the board, she didn’t have anywhere else to go, or anything else to do. They had probably planned for this, and had organized themselves alternatives, but she hadn’t, because she had never thought to.

And that meant she had no other choice.

She sat, and thought, and decided she just had to deal with the situation.

Her old life was over, and she had to adjust.

She thought about that. It was fairly clear to her now that her old life was over. It was over, and she understood that now, and oddly, she wanted to mark that realization somehow.

She picked up the bikini top, and put it back on, and tied it quickly. Then she got up and went down to the water and walked out into it until she was standing with cold waves washing around her knees.

She stood for a moment, and then she threw her phone as far out to sea as she could. She threw, and watched it splash into the water and disappear.

And then it was gone.

It had been at her side, and in her hand, almost every waking moment of her life for a year, ever since she had worn its predecessor out. And that phone her been in her hand just as much. She wore phones out. She scratched the screens with her earrings and studs until they were illegible, and she pushed at keys until they weakened and broke. She wore out phones, and had done that for years, and now this phone, her last phone, perhaps the last work phone she would ever have, now it was gone.

It was in the ocean, and gone, and everything it had once meant to her was gone too. And she was glad. She felt relieved, and happier, too. It was a relic of another life, an old life, something she didn’t have and didn’t need any more, either.

She walked back to the beach, and pulled Erica’s tee shirt on. She picked up the rest of her clothes, and the towel, and walked slowly back to the house.

She felt happier. She almost felt glad. Nothing was actually fixed, but she felt a little happier and more optimistic about whatever came next.