Losing Everything

Chapter 7.9

Lucy felt awful, but she also started to think. About how she’d put people in a situation like this once before, and how badly that had ended. And especially, how badly it had ended for Erica, and how cruel that had been, and how completely unfair it was of Lucy to risk doing that to Erica again.

She thought about being unfair, and decided that she simply couldn’t. She had to stop doing anything which might complicate Erica’s life. She decided that, and oddly, as soon as she had, she suddenly felt a little less miserable. As if somehow just deciding to be all noble and self-sacrificing had distracted her from being sad. It didn’t really make much sense, she thought, except that in a strange way it did. Because doing the right thing felt nice, she supposed, and feeling nice made her happier, and working exactly out how to be nice, that did as well. It was completely self-indulgent, only being nice for the sake of her own happiness, but it was better to be self-indulgent and doing the right thing than miserable and not, she supposed, and so she would. She sat there, thinking, wondering what she ought to do. She thought about Erica, and Erica’s life, and Erica’s girlfriend, too.

She thought about Erica’s girlfriend, and how Erica’s girlfriend might feel about Lucy being there. She thought about how she would feel herself, if it was her. If she was with Erica, and someone else, some complicated ex like Lucy, was here in Erica’s house, talking about sex and the past and asking for Erica’s help.

“Um,” Lucy said slowly. “So this is a bit weird, but… Will she be okay with me being here? Your girlfriend?”

Erica made a face. “Not really, no.”

“Oh,” Lucy said. “Shit. Then I should go before she finds out.”

“She knows.”

Lucy began to realize. “That was her on the phone?”

Erica nodded.

“Oh fuck, I’m sorry. Was she upset?”

“Not as much as you’re probably thinking.”

“But upset?”

“A little.”

Lucy nodded, thinking. About fairness and unfairness, and about intrusions and imposing. She thought about the nuisance she was being to Erica, and how awful that was. And then she decided. Just like that. She had to stop being so self-indulgent, and just leave. She had to leave Erica alone, and get out of Erica’s life.

“Okay,” she said, and stood up again. “Then in that case, I really should go.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I can’t be here, with you. Not if it’s going to upset someone else.”

“Dude, it’s fine. Everything’s fine. You don’t have to go anywhere.”

“I should. I have to. I’m making a mess of your life.”

“It’s really okay.”

“I’m going.”

“Stay. Please.”

Lucy shook her head.

Erica sighed. She looked at Lucy. “Then at least go for a walk, and get some air and clear your head. And then come back when you’re ready.”

Lucy hesitated, unsure whether Erica actually meant that.

“I mean it,” Erica said, and grinned. A little smugly, Lucy assumed, feeling pleased she knew Lucy so well.

“Are you really sure?” Lucy said anyway.

“Yep. Completely. Because like before, if I say it, I mean it.”

“But…”

“I’m completely sure.”

“It won’t cause you any problems?” Lucy said. “Your girlfriend won’t mind?”

“It’s fine.”

Lucy thought, then nodded slowly. “Okay,” she said. “Then I will. Thank you.”