Losing Everything

Chapter 12.6

Lucy sat where she was, on the couch, startled by what Erica had just done.

She sat there looking at Erica, and trying not to let herself feel too happy.

And trying not to smile.

She actually had to try, because she did feel happy. She felt suddenly more cheerful, and strangely relieved, and almost breathlessly excited too. It wasn’t right that she was feeling that way, but she was, because suddenly it was seeming a lot more like Erica was breaking up with Allie. Breaking up, or about to, or even already had, just by changing some implicit rule of her relationship.

It felt like suddenly everything was changing, and in a way that was good for Lucy.

It was good, Lucy thought. It was wonderful for her.

It was wonderful, except that it wasn’t. Because it was also completely wrong of her to want Erica to become available this way. She couldn’t hope for Erica’s relationship to end so abruptly, she thought. Not like this. Not when Lucy herself might be encouraging it, at the same time as she was going to try and benefit from it.

Lucy sat there, looking at Erica, and beginning to wonder if she had. Whether she had somehow encouraged Erica to stand up for herself for selfish reasons, and also to wonder how terrible a thing that would be, if she had.

She knew already, she thought. She didn’t need to think. It would be terrible. It would be awful, especially after Erica had been so kind and understanding to her, earlier in the day. It would be completely unfair to Erica, and an utterly horrible betrayal of her trust, to encourage Erica to break up with Allie right then just because it suited Lucy that it happened. It would be horrible to do that, and it would still be horrible even if it had only been the slightest of encouragements.

It would be selfish, and wrong, and Lucy knew she ought not have done that.

She oughtn’t do that, and she hoped that she hadn’t, so she sat there dismayed, shocked at herself, trying to decide whether she had.

She might have, she thought. She could have been encouraging Erica to do something that might provoke a problem, without quite realizing she was. She really wasn’t sure, but was starting to worry that she had, and also to worry that Erica might have gone too far on her own. And that going too far, while not exactly Lucy’s fault, might still have happened because Lucy was there, and because Erica felt encouraged and supported, and so braver and more willing to insist on getting what she needed. Erica might be overreacting, Lucy thought, and no longer doing entirely what was sensible, or best for herself. She might have become more willing to take chances, to risk ending her relationship with Allie, just because Lucy was there too. She might be making important decisions without thinking carefully because she felt like she had other options now.

Options like Lucy.

Lucy suddenly wondered if that was what had just happened.