Losing Everything

Chapter 7.7

Erica seemed to be thinking.  She seemed almost upset.  She wasn’t even looking at Lucy.  She was staring out the windows at the sea.

“It’s not that I don’t…” Erica said after a moment, but then she stopped, and went quiet again, and seemed unable to find the words she needed to explain.

Lucy was confused.  Erica wanted her to wait, and not to leave, and that was good, but now that Erica had asked her to wait, she wasn’t saying anything else.

Lucy decided to try and guess what was wrong.  “I understand why you’d be mad with me,” she said.

Erica looked up.  “What?”

“If you’re mad.  If you were so hurt by what happened with us that you still don’t want to talk about it any more.  I mean, that’s completely fine, I get it.  I get how you feel.  So don’t worry if you just want me to go.

“No,” Erica said.  “I’m not.”

Lucy felt a little sceptical, and her face must have showed it.

Erica smiled wanly.  “Yeah, I mean, I was.  I am.   But no, it isn’t that.”

“Oh,” Lucy said.  She waited a little more.  “So what is it?”

Erica just looked at Lucy.  She seemed to feel helpless, as if she didn’t have words.

“I can just sit here,” Lucy said.  “I can wait.”

“Don’t be an asshole.”

“I’m actually not.  I’m just sitting here, waiting like you said to.   And I’ve got nothing else to do, so take as long as you like.  I can do this all day if you’d like me to.”

Erica looked at her.

“I can,” Lucy said.

“Kind of being an asshole,” Erica said, then quickly, before Lucy could argue, “And you don’t need to wait all day.”

“Okay.”

“Because, I mean, this isn’t a big deal.  It isn’t anything much, and it probably absolutely isn’t whatever you think it is right now, but there is something you should know.”

“Okay.  Um…  what?”

Erica thought.  “I guess something you should see.”

Lucy shrugged.  She had no idea what Erica was talking about.  “Okay,” she said.  “So…”

“Yeah,” Erica said.  She sighed, and put down the coffee maker.  She went over to her desk, and picked something up, and brought it over to Lucy, holding it out so Lucy could see. 

A photo in a frame.  A photo of Erica, and another woman, with their arms around each other, smiling.

It was pretty obvious what the photo meant, and what Erica was trying to say.

“Oh fuck,” Lucy said.  She felt stupid.  Completely stupid.  “You’re with someone,” she said.

Erica nodded.

“Of course you’re with someone,” Lucy said.  “It’s been years.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s…”

“I’m really sorry,” Erica said gently.

“I am too,” Lucy said.  “For making this into…”

She stopped.  She wanted to cry.  The last few hours she’d been imaging staring again with Erica, and had been making herself feel better about Bitmo because of that.  As though Erica would save her.  As though just being around Erica would make everything all right.  Lucy had put everything onto Erica, and that had been a terrible idea, because it turned out Erica couldn’t save her.  Because of course Erica couldn’t.  Erica had a life, and a relationship, and all the usual things people had, and what Erica had been doing this morning hadn’t ever been about saving Lucy.  It had just been helping out a friend, someone she’d used to know, and that was all.

The rest had been Lucy, imaging things, and being silly.

And now Lucy felt like a complete idiot.