Losing Everything

Chapter 4.6

Once they had eaten, once the dirty plates were in the sink and Erica had offered Lucy more water, then they seemed to run out of things to say to each other. Erica made tea, and then they both sat there in silence, sipping carefully, watching coils of steam rise from their mugs in the bright morning sunlight.

Erica had begun to seem a little distant again, Lucy thought, as if she was thinking about other things. She kept glancing over at her computer, as if she was expecting an email, or making sure it hadn’t shut itself off.

Or as if she wanted to get back to her work.

Lucy assumed Erica wanted to work. It was morning, and Erica had always been a morning person, and she probably had a lot to do if she was running a business on her own. Lucy understood completely. She had quite often felt the same, felt a kind of anxiousness when she knew she had something to do, something that needed finishing, but politeness was stopping her doing it.

“I suppose I should go,” Lucy said, both because she probably ought to, and because she was starting to think she should leave Erica in peace to get on with her day.

“Don’t be silly,” Erica said, but Lucy wasn’t sure she meant it. She had the distinct impression that Erica was relieved that Lucy was finally going.

Lucy probably would have been relieved, if it was her being interrupted unexpectedly. Lucy wouldn’t have liked the reverse of this situation at all. Having someone suddenly there, making all kinds of declarations, and bringing up all sorts of things from the past, Lucy would have hated that, and so it was quite unfair of her to do it to Erica. Unfair, and tricky too, knowing quite how to leave now that she had realized. It was complicated, and a bit awkward, and Erica seemed as unsure as Lucy what to do next. Unsure what to do, and perhaps how she felt, and probably also unsure how much support Lucy needed, or how long she planned to be there.

They hadn’t seen each other in ages, Lucy supposed. They weren’t close any more, not like they had been. And as well, Erica knew that Lucy was high, and desperate as well, and might be saying anything that came into her head, without thinking it through. Erica probably wasn’t taking everything Lucy said completely seriously, Lucy thought, and what was worse, Lucy was starting to lose her happy numbness. She was staring to feel depressed again, to just feel miserable, and worrying about how Erica felt was just making that worse.

She was worried about Erica. She was starting to think she’d made a mistake.

Erica wasn’t especially pleased to see Lucy, or if she was pleased, she was starting to remember how complicated they were for each other, which was really the same thing as displeased. So maybe it was best for Erica, for both of them, if Lucy just left quietly. Left Erica alone, to get back to her life, so she could start pretending Lucy had never been here.

It was best just to leave, Lucy thought. To spare Erica the awkwardness.

“I really should go,” Lucy said. “You must need to work and I’ve intruded enough.”

“Just stay.”

“I need to go somewhere and sleep.”

“Sleep here. There’s a spare room.”

“Don’t you need to work?”

“Yep. But I can take the morning off if I want to. And that doesn’t really have much to do with whether you’re here or not if you’re asleep, does it?”

“Won’t I be distracting?”

“Not really. Not if you’re asleep.”

Lucy hesitated, wondering what to do.