Losing Everything

Chapter 12.3

Lucy sat there, thinking. She wasn’t completely sure what had just happened between Erica and Allie, whether it was a fight or a breakup, and if it was a fight, how bad the fight had actually been. Erica still seemed fairly calm, Lucy thought, and that probably meant something. Erica was calm, and Lucy was trying to decide how much to assume from that. Whether this was a long-expected end to a fairly casual relationship, or whether it was just another fight among many that flared up and then went away again. She wasn’t sure, but she was wondering, wondering a little selfishly whether Erica had just been dumped.

She was wondering, even while disliking herself for caring at all, right then, when what she really ought to be doing was making sure Erica was all right, and trying to cheer Erica up, rather than thinking about herself. She was being selfish, and knew she was, but she didn’t seem to be able to stop. Mostly, she just wanted to be Erica’s friend, to help, to be supportive and sympathetic. Mostly she wanted that, but a little part of her did care what had happened, and wanted to know exactly.

That little part of her cared a lot.

She felt nosy, and curious, and almost unpleasantly hopeful too. Hopeful in a terrible, mean way, since by being hopeful she was wishing from other people’s misery. And she shouldn’t be hopeful anyway, she thought, not yet. Not when she had no real idea what was going on. For all she knew, this was just how Erica and Allie were. For all Lucy knew, they did this twice a week and they both enjoyed it and terrible fights were what kept them together. She really had no idea what was happening. She might be hoping, but she shouldn’t assume anything was what it seemed.

She shouldn’t assume, she thought.

And she shouldn’t really even hope, either.

She thought about that, and suddenly realized what she was actually thinking, and was a little disgusted at herself. She really shouldn’t be thinking like that, she told herself. Not hoping Allie had left, not wishing misery on Erica. Because by hoping, that was what she was doing, and that was wrong.

Lucy was a bit shocked at herself. She made herself stop. She made herself deliberately, consciously hope that Erica and Allie were still together, even though a nasty little part of her still seemed to wish that they weren’t.

She shouldn’t hope, she told herself, and she shouldn’t assume either. Especially, she shouldn’t assume she understood what was happening, and that things were as bad as they might seem to her, from the outside, not until Erica told her so. This completely wasn’t the right time to think about herself. Erica might actually be upset. She might need Lucy. Because at the least, if this was just a fight, then Erica might need some company and a little sympathy. And if it was worse, if it was an actual breakup, then Erica would need a lot more of both. So for now, Lucy decided, she would just be Erica’s friend. And until Erica actually explained what was going on, then Lucy wouldn’t jump to conclusions and think anything else, because Erica might not even know herself what was happening.

Lucy should offer Erica kindness and sympathy, and not assume anything more about what might or might not be happening than Erica was choosing to tell her. That was what she should do, Lucy thought, so she reached over and rubbed Erica’s back gently, and didn’t say another word.

Most of all, she didn’t ask. She made herself not ask, even though she was aching with curiosity. What had happened was Erica and Allie’s business, and none of Lucy’s. Not until Erica decided to tell Lucy more, and probably not even then.