Don't Let It Break Your Heart

7: Looking For the Alternative

"You know he's been in a coma for over the standard four weeks, Anne." Louis sounded weak, and anyone in the room could tell you that he wasn't the same after what happened with Harry, once cancer began to spread even more and he was terrified to die. Louis had always known he had an ultimate fear of dying, but dying is inevitable. Louis was so lost in his own understanding, his mind wrapping around the fact that the surgery wasn't even favorable to him. 

This was bullshit. Cancer in fact was bullshit.

Anne was quite off in her own head, thinking of things that only mothers could. She wished for Harry to get better, she longed to hold her baby in her arms like he was her little one again. She reminisced about when he was a toddler and he would just babble and clap his tiny hands, his soul was youthful, and dreamed of being a million things at once. Anne wished her son had that energy again before cancer took over and the surgery and - she bit on her lower lip, apparently being mindful was not something she managed to do well. Her mind would escape like going on a vacation, to escape this horrid nightmare. 

"Anne... the doctor is here." Louis nudged her, and he could feel the tiredness somehow get the better of him, he knew he hadn't slept in almost three days, and his stomach growled knowing he was hungry but ate not as often because he just couldn't bear to eat without Harry. 

Louis barely noticed that Anne had stood up and walked somewhere with the doctor. He had more time with Harry than anyone else it seemed. Even his best friend Zayn had been staying at his and Harry's flat to help out and he knew his boundaries. 

When Harry was ill, she would go to the store to pick him up a Gatorade to hopefully help with nausea, and if that didn't help she would find him a piece of peppermint or gum to chew on. As time went on though, nothing seemed to work. Until she tried lemon honey tea. That usually helped with his headaches and sometimes it even cured the majority of his nausea. 

Louis once again getting lost in his thoughts, wasn't observant of Harry's sudden change in brain waves on the EEG. His eyes glued to the screen, even though Harry's body wasn't moving. The tubes still connected on the inside of his nose to help him breathe.

    "H... don't be afraid to let go okay? I won't be mad, I promise."His waves were in a slow-motion, up and down and being constant, never a pause, and Louis' eyes followed them. "I know you can hear me, baby, c'mon squeeze my hand. Can you try that?" His voice was barely above a whisper as he glanced from where Harry was taking slow, yet shallow breaths, over to the monitor where his brain activity was constantly in motion, just a little bit slower. 

"Right, sometimes I forget that you can't..." Louis feels a bit hurt when he says it, almost regretting it. "I'm not going to leave you, Harry, I don't care how long it takes okay? I'm going to help you get better o-okay?"

Before he can stop himself he's overwhelmed in tears, which cascade down his face. "Why am I so selfish Harry, you deserve peace. You've been through s-so much and here I am trying to get you to stay- when-when you can't even get better..." As if it weren't obvious, Louis was taking it hard, he never thought things would end this way. He would've traded places with Harry in a heartbeat. But fate had other plans, and he felt he had less time than they originally thought.

     "Hey, I'll be right back." Louis smiled, soon holding onto his hand and kissing it softly, "Just going for a wee."

~.~

"C'mon Louis I want to watch Love Actually, you know it comes on in a few minutes and I can't pause it!" Harry groans, waiting for Louis to return from the toilet. He gasped loudly when he heard the Donny lad scream "Boo!" of course Harry wasn't a scardey cat, but Louis always managed to catch him off guard. "Gotcha didn't I, Harry?" Louis snorts, soon sitting down next to him, and lays against his shoulder, almost like a silent apology which he hated to dish out willingly.

The movie seemed to be shorter this time around, as Louis soon fell asleep, probably bored of the same lines and the plot of the movie he could honestly recite by heart. 

Harry didn't tell Louis, not yet at least. He wanted to at least wait until the worst of it became apparent, Harry was at stage two of astrocytoma The word ate him up alive, and there was nothing he could do, it was a death sentence. It was better if Louis never found out, the lad was as gullible as they get. 

Harry bit his lower lip now looking down at the beauty below him, how his mouth was barely open and he snored lightly, he was in love, except this love would only reveal pain and tears in the end. 

   "I'm sorry Louis, I'm not the man you need to marry, It's just going to be painful in the end."

Harry couldn't hide it from Louis very much longer, that he knew and it was really just the beginning of cancer. "Lou, let me up." Harry groans, slowly, maneuvering himself to get up, however, it seemed a bit difficult due to the headaches he received frequently nowadays. Cancer scared Harry to death, maybe that's what was the worst part, not the surgery or the chemo, but the fact he could die. The odds of him living were against him, and he had a solid foundation up until now. What was he supposed to tell Louis? "Hey I'm dying but I still love you."  He shook his head at the thought of breaking Louis' heart. Maybe it was easier just to pop pills like they were tic tacs. 

~.~

       "So what's going on?" Louis says after Anne walks into the room, her face soaked in tears, and now he wished he hadn't asked. Anne tries to put on the happy mask she uses around him, but today it isn't going to work. Even if she lied to herself and say she could do it, the answer would be no.

      "Alternative.... we need to choose something else, Louis." Her voice is barely able to be understood, but he recognized her wording right away.  "I know the surgery didn't pan out exactly as we had hoped but think about it this way... He's still here. And he is breathing, I think that is a miracle in itself, don't you?"

Louis nodded slowly and sniffles as tears pool in his eyes.  "Okay, whatever it takes."

And that was it, they weren't sure about the aftermath, but being certain that Harry was still living, and breathing it made the circumstances feel a bit better. Possibly a way of looking forward.  

My besties, are you enjoying it?