Don't Let It Break Your Heart

13: Night Changes

                                     Everything that you've ever dreamed of

                                         Disappearing when you wake up

Harry felt as if he were awake, but everything around him seemed almost like a  blur.  The warmth from the sunshine seeping in through the cracks of the blinds is what he felt, yet he couldn't move in the direction of it. His neck and torso felt stiff, and he couldn't call out for help. 

Usually, Harry wasn't in a vulnerable condition as he was now, feeling like he needed to be dependent, and he couldn't even speak. Was he still in a coma? Was this real life? To be completely honest, he had no idea. 

If he was honest, just with himself and nothing else, he was fearing what was next to come. He knew he was awake, and he could hear a few nurses check on him from time to time, and what was bad? He just hated the idea of sympathy. 

If it came down to it, and this was how he would stay for the remainder of his life, he knew for a fact he would be miserable.

This wasn't normal, not for him to just lay in the bed and wait on someone to come and check on him, help him to sit up, and even accompany him to the bathroom when he was necessary. 

Obviously, it was embarrassing, humiliating even, at that. But he was incapable of the majority of everyday life skills now, It was almost like his brain relapsed, he thought about how his stepfather had been with cancer. When his muscles began to all but give up on him. 

And as he laid in bed now he began to weep just thinking of what his mother could think. How would she take care of Harry after just losing the love of her life, Robin?

    "Harry love, is everything alright?" Anne's voice was heard from the doorway, she had been the main person taking care of him, especially after Louis went home with his fainting spell.

Harry hadn't improved an awful lot, unable to function like a normal person and he couldn't even express how it made him feel. He honestly thought everyone had their hopes too high, even his sister Gemma who had messaged Louis a day or two ago. 

Harry could see his body just beginning to fall apart, he knew when cancer took over his brain that it would be too late.  You would think after it all, Harry could just give up. He could say he had lived long enough, and he could throw in the towel of now and be done with the game of life.

But he couldn't. Not like this. 

Mostly because Louis didn't know his state of being. The physical condition he was in, and his psychological frame of mind, well to say the least it wasn't well.

Not able to move, even just to turn to see his mother, was heartbreaking, and unable to speak on how he felt was frustrating. He wanted to cry out for help, explain that something wasn't right. How could it be, with the way his body was responding after his coma, and cancer did it go away after surgery?

One of many questions, he would probably never get to ask. His mother always gave him a sympathetic smile as if things would get better, maybe they would. One could only hope. However, hope seemed to be non-existent these days. 

As Harry fell asleep that afternoon,  he wondered how he would be able to break the news to Louis. Him, getting better? That just sounded rather odd and quite bizarre compared to everything he's been through. 

Falling into a deep slumber of a nap, all he could think about was not letting Louis down, after all of this. The secret at the beginning of at all, he should've told the person who meant the without a doubt the most to him 

Louis was always there for him, through the fainting spells, nausea, and the constant headaches he had after reaching stage two. It was almost like the pain was constant, but he didn't want to seem weak.  An ailment of the mind would eventually cause anyone to be weakened, struck down at any time with the fear of dying not far behind.

The fact how daytime was so different than the night, and when the night changes over Harry was completely different. He was fun, within the leisure he was given. It was between the hours of 6 pm to 6 am, he remembered it like the back of his own hand, and the pain was severe, not physically but emotionally when he thought about it for too long.

He could remember the moments when Louis and he would sit at the dinner table, the weight being on his shoulders along with the fear of not being around very much longer. The headaches were worse, and it should've been obvious but many times he noticed Louis overlooked it.

Harry would sigh, listening to the tender beating of Louis's heart, he would tear up wondering when would be the last time he would be able to do this. Just laying here, feeling loved and respected by the man of his dreams. He even remembered feeling contentment , the nights where it was just him and no one else. 

The nights that Louis would hold Harry close, he felt hardly any pain and he would drift off to sleep, which was, for the most part, an easy task. Harry couldn't keep it a secret for much longer, not with the funds for the treatments skyrocketing. His wallet was as empty as his stomach nowadays. 

  He couldn't tell Louis that in just a few months he would begin his first chemo treatment, and everything was basically set in stone, and if Chemo didn't work final step was surgery on the brain itself.

Fear. That's what kept Harry up at night. 

What if Louis was alone after everything fell apart? What if he found out about the illness too late and blamed himself? What if they were never able to have the fairytale that they always wanted? And- if all of it fell apart would Louis fall in love with someone new? 

Harry hoped he would make the right decision. Especially after it all. He loved Louis, but if it was destiny, he hoped to have the strength to let Louis go.

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