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Chapter 11

But I know in my heart I can never go back
To the way that we were on that runaway trackI see in my soul and I know you were lying to me
I lose control
Oh, I didn't know
So just leave me alone

– Kodaline, All Comes Down

. . . .

Avoiding Harry has become harder and harder each day. Every day I would have Annie walk with me so I wouldn't have to walk to his class alone. He hasn't contacted me, and I want it to stay that way. I've even brought my grade up to a B+ all thanks to dedicating more of my time to sitting down and properly attempting with my essays and the research aspect. I've even been doing better on the tests. I want to prove to him that I can raise my grade without his help.

I don't need him, and honestly, I never really did. I could have done this all on my own without his help. But, I was too lazy to try to do my work. If only I did, then I wouldn't have lost my virginity. I wouldn't have been utterly embarrassed if I had genuinely believed in myself. I wouldn't have been used in such a disgusting way, otherwise.

One night last month, I almost planned to take the notes and texts straight to Beckman's office to turn him in the next morning. I broke down in my room just thinking about everything he ever did and said to me—good and bad. All that ran through my mind that day was that he hurt me so much, and I'd get revenge on him. He'd know what I went through, and he'll never do it again.

But I had to keep reminding myself that I can't do that to him. If not for him, then for Lilly. She's an innocent little girl. She doesn't deserve to have her mother be a deadbeat and for her father to be sent away to prison. I'm not going to ruin his life even though he deserves it.

It's been four months since he broke it off, and I'm slowly picking myself back together piece by piece.

Of course, the first few weeks were the worst. Constantly up in my room beneath my blankets, and when I had to go to class, I would mainly have my book with me so when I was the first one in Harry's room, I would have my book and my phone to listen to music so I wouldn't have to talk to him. When he would tell me to take out the earbuds, I'd rip them out and continue on with my book. Most days, I'd take a lap around the halls and make it back just before the tardy bell rang.

But now I'm doing better with staying away from him and returning my life to normal. Every Friday night after school, a few of us would go to the movies or to the shops or something. It's taken my mind off of things, and I've met someone. We've become close friends, and he's super sweet, which is rare for teenage guys at this school. He's nothing like Matthew or Harry, which is the only thing I could ask for, honestly.

"C'mon, Violet. You can't stay up here all day. It's finally warm out so you don't have an excuse as to why you're cramped up in this God-forsaken room. Now, get your ass outside."

Annie pulls on my arm while I tug my earbuds out of my ears and toss them onto my desk I'm seated at. I was just finishing up the little amount of homework I had for the weekend before she came up here.

"Fine."

I close up my physics book and slip my shoes on, grabbing my light blue hoodie from my bed and following her down the stairs to the front porch. When she opens the front door, the warm air welcomes me, and I can't believe that after this winter of hell, it's finally warm out. I don't even think I need my hoodie.

A lot of students from each grade are out on the quad, sitting on the freshly mowed grass or kicking a football back and forth, or of course, on their phones. Some teachers are in a group by the light pole at the center of the grass area. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot that stupidly familiar mop of brown curls standing amongst the teachers. His muscular, inked arms are crossed over his chest that's clothed in a white button-down. His bottom half that I grew accustomed to all those months ago is covered in his usual black trousers. His defined jaw is working on a piece of gum that he just slipped into his mouth. His vibrant emerald eyes dart over to where Annie and I are standing, and his jaw's movements have come to a halt, tensing up.

"Come on. Let's go over here." She pulls on my arm away from Harry's gaze, but I still feel his eyes burning into my back.

"Couldn't agree with you more," I mumble.

After I got home from running back from his classroom that day, I poured out everything that he said. If it weren't for her support, I would probably still be bundled up in my bed with two layers of tissues surrounding me. She's been my rock through all of this, and I couldn't thank her enough.

"There's Harris." Annie points over to the brown-haired boy I've met a few weeks ago.

We met when I tagged along with Annie and a few of her extended friends that also invited, Harris, the new kid, along to join us. We sat across from one another and bonded when we had a shared interest in a song that was mentioned by someone else. We both shared our love for the artist and the conversation flowed from there. It felt refreshing to meet someone new.

"Hey, Violet." Harris waves and smiles. He's sitting on the grass alone with his arms behind him and his long legs crossed at the ankles. I sit down across from him with Annie at my left.

I smile at him, "Hey."

We talk about a commonly despised teacher amongst most of the students at this school for a little bit—which was not about Harry. Discussion of the ridiculous homework that's been assigned recently is the main topic of the conversation.

"Wanna walk around?" he asks me when one of Annie's friends walks over and picks up a conversation with her.

"Sure," I reply back and stand back up.

We start aimlessly walking, leaving Annie and her friend behind.

"Are you excited about the trip?" He asks.

"I'm not going."

For our final trip, we're going to New York City, and it costs more money than I'd ever see at my time at Carnell. I've saved up some money, but it's only around three hundred pounds—that's nowhere near the required amount for the trip. Unless the rest of the money somehow finds its way into my hand, I'm not going to New York.

"How come?" He frowns.

"I can't afford it," I mutter, looking down at my hands while doing so.

Carnell is not a school full of underprivileged kids. People come from anywhere between simple fortune and luck to parents being neurosurgeons and politicians. The only reason why I got in is that my stepdad wanted me to go to a boarding school so he didn't have to constantly watch me, so he sent me here. My mum was never wealthy. Both my parents struggled while raising me. Whether it be that my stepdad could provide for us or that she truly did love him, he had the means to support the two of us.

In all honesty, I'm glad my stepdad sent me here. This last year had its ups and downs, but at least I'm away from him.

"You could always talk to Mr. Styles about it. I'm sure he'd try to help you out."

I feel that pang of nervousness and anger boil up inside of me. Just the mention of his name now pushes me over the edge.

Harry's on the committee for planning all the trips for the eldest class. If a student has any questions, he's the person we have to talk to, sadly. He's in charge of the money, everyone that's going on the trips, and all the information they'll need to know. Before this year, I'd be fine with that and going in to ask him a question about a trip, but obviously, after what all happened, I'd rather stick my hand in a blender than talk to him all by myself.

"I'll even ask him with you if you want." He holds onto my wrist and squeezes it gently.

"That's okay. I'll find a way somehow." I attempt a real, believing smile to try to assure him so I don't have to go over and talk to Harry, especially having Harris with me.

"Okay."

He smiles once again before we continue our walk around the sweet smell of freshly mowed grass and the soft hum of people talking in the background while Harris talks about living in London and me trying to focus on his words and not Harry's gaze burning into my back.

. . . .

I hope you liked the chapter!

– Re-uploaded on January 31, 2021