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Chapter 165

It's funny how but it still bothers me
I know it's been so long but I did not expect to see oh how beautiful you are
I guess that all that time apart has done you well
But hey, I wish you all the best and maybe someday we might even meet again

– Kodaline, Moving On

. . . .

Harry's POV

Days are long and move slowly. My routine's remained consistent for years and the mundane tasks of my everyday life get redundant. I feel like I'm a bore to be around because of the lack of emotion I feel towards everyday tasks. The only contentment I feel is when I'm with Lilly, but she's been busy with ballet, school, football, along with her clarinet and piano lessons. While she's at all of that, I find myself absentmindedly staring off, wishing my life away, or at least till she's done with whichever extracurricular she's doing at the moment. I feel like my mid-thirties are being wasted and they're moving by too fast but slowly all at the same time.

All of this has been mentioned to Claudia during my Thursday afternoon sessions. I don't mind going to therapy these days. During my first time at it, I hated it. I didn't want to be there, mainly because I was being forced by my mother and sister, but now I've been regularly attending for the past five years.

Since my breakup with Violet, I rarely want to discuss it with anyone in my personal life, because to this day, I do believe I played a majority role in the demise of the most special relationship I've ever maintained. After about three months of constant self-loathing and pitying myself, I decided to call my old therapist and schedule an appointment.

Claudia's always been an easy person to talk to – a perfect characteristic for a therapist. She knows how important my relationship with Violet was to me and how it's still holding such a strong pull on my life five years after it ended. I've spent a lot of money on these therapy sessions, but she's the only person I'll talk with about Violet. She knows all about my past relationships down to the minor details. I was nervous to discuss the origin of my relationship with Violet, as well as my days at Carnell with her, but her body language remained neutral. She stayed relaxed, her narrow, long legs crossed and her slender hand holding her dark ink pen in her left hand as she took notes for my file.

I never stop thinking about her. I've been told countless times throughout the years that I need to move on and start dating again – to expand my horizons and meet other people, but I don't listen to any of them. She was the one for me, and it would feel wrong of me to date again. It would feel like Violet's not important in my life anymore when I'm fully aware that she's still amongst the top.

I wonder if she's okay. Is she still excelling in school? She's probably almost done her degree. Is she enjoying it? Does she still think of me the same way I think about her? Probably not, but I try to tell myself that she is so I don't completely shut down.

I've avoided looking her up on social media entirely, as suggested by Claudia to create some visual distance between us. I never really got on social media as it is, but it's been difficult to not look her up to see how she's doing and what her life is like. Claudia suggested taking this breakup as a time to focus on myself and Lilly. I was thankful she didn't try to give me the bullshit of how this could be turned into a positive outcome. She's aware of how much the relationship meant to me and the effect the breakup has on my life.

When I sit in her office on Thursday afternoons after I finish work, the words spill out of me like water flowing through the gaps. Sometimes I find it difficult to stop talking about my thoughts and feelings once I get on the topic. It feels nice to be able to talk to someone without the constant judgment and criticism on still being hung up on a woman that's broken up with me five years ago. I've heard it from my entire family, so after a certain point, I just stopped discussing it with them altogether. If they asked me about dating or any women, I shut down the conversation and move on.