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Chapter 169

Well, I guess it's just what humans do
Hook up with other people 'til it all falls through
And when it's over, they go out and try to heal their pain
Hook up with another lover, do it all again

– Marina and the Diamonds, Better Than That

. . . .

Violet's POV

I've felt sick to my stomach for the last few days. It's undoubtedly the nerves building up from guilt causing this constant worry and disdain within myself. I've been so stressed from this past Saturday with Harry. I left my family's house around noon when I was originally supposed to leave at around two or three in the afternoon. I made up the excuse that Connor needed me back sooner to help him with his painting, which Dad didn't really like, but I needed to get out of the town with my thoughts weighing down on me. My weekend back home had a complete plot twist, and I felt too tense to stay back home where everything happened.

It definitely didn't help to come back to my apartment. The first thing I saw when I walked in and set my keys on the countertop was a framed picture of me and Connor. I nearly threw up when he walked into the apartment later after my shower where I drowned myself in my thoughts. Seeing him in person flashed all the live images of Harry sweating on top of me and my pathetic lack of willpower to stop it. I wasn't faithful in my relationship and that wasn't right to Connor. He's never done anything to deserve this. I was lucky enough to find someone as kind as him, especially after being in a relationship with someone as phenomenal as Harry, and I destroyed it. I jumped on impulse. I took it too far, and it makes my skin crawl with how out-of-character I acted this weekend.

It wasn't right to either of them.

How does Harry feel after it? He probably hates me after I left him alone in his bed without talking to him first. I hurt not just Connor, even if he doesn't know it, but Harry, too. I feel bad for him. I left with no explanation or apology. He probably has just as many questions as I do, but I'm anxious to text him to say the things I should've said Sunday morning. I'm afraid he'll ignore me or call me out. I'm sure what he would possibly say is true, but it would hurt to hear—especially coming from him.

What am I supposed to do? Do I come clean to Connor about my infidelity, or do I move on and work on being better for him? I betrayed him; he'd definitely have a hard time trusting me in the future if he did stay with me if I told him. He'd never let me go back home without him accompanying me to ensure I don't meet up with Harry—whether it's intentional or by accident.

Being in his presence is already intimidating enough at this moment, how's it going to be in the future if I tell him? He's not a violent person, nor a vengeful one, but the idea of him knowing about my one night fling terrifies me. My heart races, and I'm scared of what he would say or think.

I hate what I've done to him, and I hate what I put Harry through.

I'm not sitting on the sofa with my book in my lap, but I haven't read any of the words. My focus remains on the landscape in the distance, the still peacefulness of the outside world while mine is spinning. The air feels thick around me, making it difficult to fill my lungs up properly, and the occasional tears that slip down my cheeks burn my skin.

How am I supposed to last when I have this much guilt pressing down on me? I did this to myself, and I deserve to pay the consequences. I acted on lust and past feelings, and in the moment, I wasn't thinking of the aftermath. I didn't care about how everything would change when I begged Harry to have sex with me.

"What are you thinking about?" Connor asks, breaking me away from staring at a flock of birds flying in the sky. He's now sitting beside me with his arm around me, seemingly unaware of the violent rate my heart is beating at and my sweaty palms.