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Chapter 183

She said I'm having your baby

— Harry Styles, Kiwi

. . . .

We've been trying for a baby for the entirety of January and February. It's been a little discouraging taking the tests and each one would come back negative. After talking to my doctor, I found it's normal for it to take some time for women to get pregnant, but the voice in the back of my brain disheartens me when I see that one, straight line in the window.

Harry's been helpful and encouraging. He's been quite optimistic through the whole process, offering words to boost my spirits after each test was despairingly thrown into the bin. The idea of going god knows how many more months of trying weighs down on me. It's way too early to tell, but the idea of infertility is scaring the hell out of me. If that idea came to me back when I was in my early twenties, it wouldn't have fazed me much, I don't think so. But now, it's something that I want, and the thought terrifies me. The more I think about having a baby that's half me and half the love of my life, I get genuinely excited to start a family with him. I've seen how loving and supportive Harry is as a parent, and with his help and guidance alongside me, I believe I'll be a good mother. I want to give us a baby; I just hope my body allows me to.

We decided to keep this process private. We haven't told any of our friends or family, not even Lilly. We considered turning to Bonnie for knowledge about pregnancy considering her area of work as well as being a mother, but we didn't want to put her in a position of keeping this monumental leap in our marriage a secret from my father. If it comes to it and we need a second opinion, we'll ask her, but in the meantime, it's between Harry and me.

I get home after leaving work and stopping at the market to get some groceries. Harry helps me carry in and unpack everything. I finish up putting away the perishables when Harry wraps his arms around me.

"Do you want to try right now? Lilly's studying at Ivy's house."

I've been exhausted all day—from being awake at six in the morning to walking around in heels and going to the grocery store, I'm drained, but I really don't want to give up a chance at trying, especially when we have the house to ourselves for a little bit. I kick my heels to the side and allow him to lift me onto the island counter. We kiss and his hand gets lost between my legs, but because the length of the gentle cream-colored pencil skirt is down to my knees, he pushes it up to gather around my hips.

He's rubbing me with his hand cupping me inside my thong. I drop back to lie with my upper body flat on the counter. Harry leans down and lodges his head between my thighs. It's a sight I've seen millions of times before, but now we're having sex with a purpose—an intent to conceive. Before, we only ever had sex for the connection or to have fun. It almost seems like it's serious and isn't all about passion and pleasure. Of course, even now while we're trying to conceive, I do love having sex with him, but the end goal can overtake the fulfillment of being in the moment.

We haven't even initiated penetration yet and the guilt that consistently overcomes me fills my stomach. How do I know whether this time is going to be it? I won't know until my next test. I wish it would happen already. I hate the disappointment I feel when I see the negative symbol, but I feel even more regret when I see the crestfallen look on Harry's face when he catches sight of the daunting symbol. I know it's hurting him, and I also know he's trying to remain strong for me. He doesn't want to show how disappointed he is when we find the results because it puts a sour notion in my mind that it's all my fault. I know he doesn't automatically jump to it being either one of our faults, but I'm putting all of that obscene pressure onto myself.

Perhaps that's why it hasn't happened yet. Maybe I'm putting way too much demand on myself to get pregnant that it's somehow just not happening. I've read countless forums of other women sharing the same experience, and while Harry and I both agree that it's good to help me normalize that not getting pregnant on the first go is common, it's also making me depressed. Did some of these women ever get pregnant? A few haven't come back to declare whether it eventually happened or not. Will it ever work for me? Harry says yes, but I've been feeling more and more pessimistic about it every day that passes and I'm left with yet another pregnancy test that's added to the collection of negatives.