Ricky Noir
I don't deserve an ounce of her, she was too forgiving of me. I was conflicted, I wanted to walk away. She needed someone that wasn't me. Though I was too selfish, I couldn't leave her, I was scared of what I would do to myself if I did.
Link had been in a coma for days. We were all on edge especially Alice, she continued to blame herself and still consoled me. She's called me every morning to make sure I've taken my meds and I call her every night before midnight to ensure she actually gets some rest. She hasn't raced since the incident and only bounces back between her place and the hospital. I beat myself up for that, she's a mess because of me, I caused this grief for her.
I stayed awake most nights, just laying in bed staring at the ceiling. All I wanted was for Link to wake up and for Alice to find some sort of trust in me again.
Slipping off my medication was the most irresponsible thing I have ever done. I've always been a person who hated to be wrong, I thought I was better and I didn't want a doctor telling me differently. And for that absurd decision, it costed me Alice. She told me I didn't need to be fixed, I strongly disagreed with her but I wasn't going to tell her that. I needed help, those meds are the things keeping me sane and I slipped off of them intentionally. I had never gone to therapy, I had too much pride. Falling of that medications made me realize the type of person I was, I wanted to change for the better.
I wished my mother was here, she would've pulled me back. I wouldn't be like this if she were here. I made a vow to myself when my parents died that I wouldn't abuse drugs and alcohol the way they did and within a few months of their death I broke that vow. I think from that point on I just completely gave up, I had nothing left to strive for and to this day I still don't know if I do.
It's been three years, you miss the pain don't you?
I remembered the pack of unopened razor blades in my bathroom cabinet. My hands curled to fists, my fingernails digging into my palms.
You know you want to, it's the only way.
My eyes snapped shut, "get out of my head."
I bent down and sat on the edge of my bed and held my head in my hands, pulling at my hair my eyes formed tears.
Slit your wrist Ricky, you deserve it.
Tears began to fall from my eyes, "I know I deserve it."
You're guilty.
"I know, I know." I repeated over and over in a muffled cry.
Alice will be better off.
"I know."
They all will.
"I know."
Everything will be solved if you're dead.
"I know."
You deserve to die.
"I know ."
Do it, kill yourself.
I stood up abruptly and ran my hands down my face, my chest heaved up and down. I slowly moved to the bathroom, opening the cabinet above the sink I spotted the box of razors.
I didn't think I'd ever do this again, I thought that part of my life was over.
I picked up the dusty box and pulled the top off, seeing the unused blades was tempting. I picked one up, I haven't been in this situation in three years. I missed it, fuck did I miss it. The pain it inflicted, I missed it. I must've stared at the single blade for hours. My mind played a movie of my life, went through every major and minor bump. The movie avoided everything happy, any sort of good experience I had. I saw Link, the sight of his bloody face when I beat him into a coma. I saw Alice, the way she looked at me that morning in my apartment, it shattered me. The damage I caused in such a short amount of time was catastrophic.
