Why we broke up [Editing]

What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay

'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

I'm falling to pieces
One still in love while the other one is leaving

And now it's been two years. And I'm tired of all of this.

I am truly fed up of hanging on so much. I should have jerked you away from my life for at least two years now.

And I should have done a lot of things differently, like loving you for one.

You broke my heart, right. But why did I let it destroy me so much. Why have I given you so much power on me. So that you could wreck me to the point of thinking that you and only you could fix me.

I've been a mess since what feels like forever. I've let you torment me until driving me beyond madness and I've let you creep into my heart so deep that I couldn't rip you out of it. Perhaps I'm a bit crazy, desperately trying to cross you out of my heart and failing miserably. I let you become my happiness and that's where I went wrong.

It keeps me awake at night thinking of how we were getting along so well at first and how love did us wrong. Perhaps it was the honeymoon phase, when we completed each other instead of driving each other nuts. Then I think of how to find something like that again and how to forget about it.

I'm getting tired of the fact that the more I seem to progress the more everything collapse around me faster.

Sometimes I wish it never happened, I wish everything would be gone and a part where the both of us were in love never existed. That way we'd only be strangers. Just like now, but it wouldn't hurt to bear your presence.

There are things that I regret. But I do not regret loving you, it was the most changing experience I have ever lived and I won't ever regret loving you. Looking back at it, it was a marvelous love we had. It was somehow incredible and heart wrenching at the same time. It was sparks, fireworks, shatters and dynamites. And now that the anger is gone, I can acknowledge that.
What I do regret is getting back to you. I know you regret breaking up with me but it didn't make any sense how you talked yourself to do it and then back up when it was too late. Regrets shouldn't have a place in relationships. We let them destroy everything and regret that too.
I regret giving you so much credit after you broke my heart.

Somehow that pedestal you had me put on was now under your feet.
I was scarred and scratched by the pain. And I looked up to you as a savior. Who only saved himself.

And when you cut your hair, you cut me out too. But now, now they've grow back like the first times and it's like I can see again the self you were when we were together. The self I have been dying to get a glimpse of. The self that wouldn't get drunk every week-ends or so. The self that didn't declared his love for some girl half drunk and half in a comatose state. The self that would never ever want a girl "just for the v".

The self that you so rapidly killed to benefit for the new you.

And that's still unfair of me to judge you by your -bad- decisions when I should no longer bother. But it's still unfair that I have suffered so much when it looks like you had stopped to care so long ago.

And sometimes, well probably more like most of the time, I wish that the Michael I knew would be back, but it seems that the only place this self is still alive is in my head. And I can't take it anymore, I don't want to bare that in mind anymore. I've tried walking away and it failed me. When coming back recoil hit me twice harder. I tried drinking you out of my system and it failed me. When the sun rose the other day I puked so I never tried again. I tried dating again and it failed me. Turned out I didn't even love the guy. And I've tried doing nothing about it and it still failed me. As far as I know I'm still dancing with your ghost and sleeping with your memories. You still invade my dreams and leave me before sunlight.

I have realized that I don't even know anymore what it means to be over you and if so I don't even know if I am to overcome what happened of our relation. Our breakup is the thing that have changed me the most. It left me with bitterness and a broken heart. You left me without thinking back at it and a broken heart. I still have to work everyday on moving on and it seriously sucks. I do not even know the mere definition of moving on and what it represents not to love you. Even if things have changed, even if we have changed.

Sometimes it all fades away and when I think I'm through it comes back all at once. My head's a mess and nowhere seems safe enough. I've lost my way trying to get back at you. I've lost tracks of the times I thought being over with you. I found nothing but emptiness in my heart and tears streaming down my face when laying down at 3 am wondering what I've done to destroy our relationship.

Thing is, I still hear about you, you follow me on Instagram. Talk about the pictures I post with William. I hear about you every time you do something stupid. It seems that all the stories I hear about you implies drunkenness and you doing reprehensible stuff.

It was in February but I still somehow always come back to this and all that ever lead me to you.

I ignore if you still think a little about me

If just like me some night you get insomniac

If your chest aches at the sound of my name the same way mine does whenever I hear yours.

I literally went by all the phases of grief. We grieve the relation we had and sometimes the person who withdraw from your life. And that's why I've been through it. I know a thing about people withdrawing from your life, in facts, no I do not know so much. All I know is how we broke up.

It's almost been two years since we said I love you for the first time and I do not know what else to do with that.
It's been one year since you first and twice broke up with me and I do not know how time has fly without me moving on.

It's been a year since we are done and I don't know if I am done moving on.

It's been one year since we last kissed and I do not know what else to say about it.

And no matter how long it's been there are still times when I think of you and suddenly it gets harder to breathe.