Why we broke up [Editing]

You grew like weeds around my soul

Even though we'd talk every now and then and even though our conversations were somehow confused and fulled with mixed signals, I wrote in some kind of notebook some letters to you and part of the stuff going on in my head.

No, I'm not going all The Notebook on you. You know, the movie I was talking about, the one you should've watched.

So I wrote in this notebook, because I think, that I wrote to get everything out of my system.

To get you out of my system.

Perhaps it worked or maybe not.

Probably not.

Because you grew like weeds around my soul, entwining with my veins and invading my dreams.

I couldn't get you out of my life. And in the end, you ripped yourself away from my life, taking my heart in the same time with you.

Because we go, we grow but never do we change.

And we talked, we fighted but never do we change.

You kept hitting the send button until I blocked you. And then we never talked again.

Until you texted me again.

Asking why I blocked you on Facebook.

You told me that you mom cried a bit when you told her about our break up.

I didn't get why you would tell me so. I doubted it even made sense. I doubted you even fell the same way.

We were broken off but still talking.

You talked about getting back together and I just went with it. You apologized and I accepted your apologies.

But it still felt wrong.

I decided to ignore the feeling. How stupid of me.

But, love is blind. Love is kind. Love is patient. And everything the Bible says. Yes. Love is all that. Love is all. Perhaps.

We decided to get back together. After really talking about it. Maybe I missed the actual "Thinking it" part. I just thought it'd be the right thing to do.

For one only reason. That I still loved you.

And it was surely not why we broke up.

I quoted song lyrics from Taylor Swift's song and quote I found.

The notebook helped me figure things out. I think.

At first, I honestly thought I would give up on you.

I was so confused and lost. It seemed to me, that where you were standing, you knew. You had the answers I was seeking. And you could help me find myself.

But little did I know, you're the only one who can save yourself. The other ones just got your back or save your ass.

It felt completly done. And part of me wanted it to be done. But then again, it felt as if our story was meant to be continued. We still had pages in our book and the end wasn't for now.

As far as I'm concerned, it should have been never. The end I mean.

But things gets fucked up. And we messed up. And you broke up.

Sometimes it felt like I had everything in my hands and I could easily just drop it. I could drop everything and not even the chaos nor the impact and the damages could change something. I was torn between picking up the pieces or simply leaving.

Because when you were saying you were sorry. I never knew how to answer to that.

All these messed up feelings had to go somewhere, had to land on a sheet. They had to be written out of me.

At first, it was mostly angry letters. Because I couldn't understand why you would do that to me.

And I couldn't understand why you weren't able to accept the consequences of your act.

I called you names in the notebook. Such as Asshole, Jerk, Idiot etc. But I don't think it even help.

Writing that you were an asshole didn't help. That was the fact.

I was angry at you. So fucking angry.

Then I just became sad. Wiping away tears as I wrote you those words.

At some place, I express how I am trying to put everything behind and move on with my life. One without you. But I couldn't do it.

I was mad at you for many things though. For still being in touch with me. For pleading me to un-block you. For keep trying to call me on Facetime. When you kept sounding so sweet to me. Even if we just broke up.

For saying how sorry you are for breaking-up with me. Come on, man. You can't break off a relationship by mistake.

Truth is, I was mad at you for mostly one thing. Breaking your promises. You promised you would never hurt me and never leave me.

But you managed to do both at the same time.

And I know promising something like that is kind of hard to keep. But you don't break promises like that. For all I care, you don't make those stupid promises. Just don't.

I wasn't all mad at you for breaking up with me. I was mad at you because your broke your promises. And that meant I couldn't trust you again. With promises. Or anything.

But I did.