Why we broke up [Editing]

Girl, you're just a child/ A heartbreak, falling in love

Either when were hiding from our problems or when we were out there for the storm to rage on us it never became a shelter. We never became a shelter for each other. I think we should have had. We were supposed to be everything for each other, yet it breaks my heart every single time I realize how fast we became nothing for each other.

We meant less and less for each other day by day. And when we broke up, you started again to mean more and more every single moment that I ached for you to come back. To make everything go back to normal, stop the world from spinning and love me like you used to.

Before we dated I went to one of your hockey games with Aryn. I never do set foot intentionally in arena if it's not for boys and still that's not true, I go because school tells me to. Your team scored one time and Aryn said it was you. She said you looked at me right after. She said you had scored for me. And I laughed.

But you didn't. It was Luis.

After your game, you had won and you went to the changing rooms. I waited for you a while before Aryn's dad called and said he was picking us up.

He arrived before you. Let's say that I've never seem someone shower and dress up so slowly. Even I would eat faster than that.

So I left before I could get to see you. I was disappointed but at the same time relieved, I wouldn't have to face the awkwardness of not knowing what to say but at the same time I wouldn't even get some time to say anything.

Even when I came to one of your other games that you lost, Captain, all of your teammates we're out the door telling me that you "wouldn't take so long now". I went to quite a few of your games, well more like ten, more or less (put your money on less though). And I was never sure of what to do, probably why I only went to a few...

It happened quite often that your dad came to pick me up after your brother's game. Sometimes I was at your house even before you.

I don't even know what it means, that I waited for you so much, I don't know if I emotionally waited for you. But I think I did, I waited for you to do the first steps - like everyone else -. I waited for you to open up your heart to what was really terrifying you, your deepest fears even though they were about me. How you could have tell me why you feared my departure for the arms of another so much. You could have blame it on your childhood, your trust issues, the fact that you hated them, anything that didn't sound like silence. And I should have too, said something. Anything that didn't sound like a lie to your ears and you would have believed it when I said I loved you and only you.

Some nights on Facetime, I had hard times falling asleep or I would wake up only an hour after falling asleep or so. And when I would do wake up, I only felt emptiness and the absence of yours. You always knew I was there but I didn't. You were gone to play on your Xbox, you were gone eating ...

I have never known clearly where you were.

I remember William making gestures to tell you to take my hand or put your arm around me. I guess we were never too fond of first steps.

Everyone had put so much efforts into our couple that when we broke up it made me feel like I hadn't only disappointed myself but also some other people who thought we were the best couple.

They used to look up at us, at the couple we made and now even ourselves look down at the pair we used to be.

For a very long time my favorite song was related to you. At one point it was even yours too. As time passed, I've realized that I don't love the song as much as I used to. Now it only appears like a really good sentimental song that I still appreciate every time I hear it. And I don't know if it means something, anything. But I do hope our love could become the same, not something I worship, still not a bad memory.

I've been wondering what does "official" is really about, what does it truly means. Because, according to the facts, we met long before we even properly "met". Where does the official part takes in. Did we have to be introduced properly to consider it official. Because love didn't introduce us properly at all.

But I think in general, we screwed up. We made out of something great - such as the developing romance - something terribly awful. AKA intruding other's Facebook and talking shit behind each other's back. That's one of the worst parts of our history.

One of the other is the time when I thought you cheated on me.

Another part was when you thought I would eventually dump you for someone better.

We must not forget the part when I cried almost every night because of the things you said - or wouldn't say-.

We shall not forget the times when we fought almost every night but stopped at school because we had to keep our masks on. I do realize now how fucked up we were.

Generally, I think that the thing we had went too fast but it went way too slowly. What I mean is, we fell in love way to easily, it happened too fast. But what we did after that with our love was almost nothing - so that was the part where we did nothing with it, so we were "slow" -. But the worst thing that went too slow, was our reactions towards our downfall. When we saw we were not going to make it, we were way too slow trying to decrease the collateral damages. My friendship with Josh was collateral damage, your self-respect was collateral damage, my friendship with Henry, your clear-mind. And all the pieces I shattered into could be considered as collateral damage. We were collateral damages of our own love. Our entity became less important than our pride. And that's where we both went fucking wrong.

Once it was down to only us. It seemed not to be enough.

You once said I was the girl of your dreams; I guess you decided to wake up.