Why we broke up [Editing]

Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking

I was in deep. To the point of forgetting myself.

I was in love. To the point of forgiving myself.

My happiness had become your happiness and I forgot how I failed to see that it was utterly wrong.

I let you become my happiness and I forgot how to undo it.

We fought together almost everyday and we forgot how to stop before it was too late.

We fought together about other guys and you failed to see that you were the only one.

Maybe you saw it when it became a lie.

When we became a lie.

We lied to each other making us believe it was still love

We lied to ourselves making ourselves believe we were in love

We lied to others making them believe we were perfect together.

I was in deep. Drowning even though I once knew how to swim.

I was in love. Drowning even though I was supposed to fall.

Your lingering touch

Me hanging on much

The rest is still sleeping

Until the day you had stop loving

I don't even know what love should look like now.

For so long, love had your features, your face, you blue-green eyes expressing your childishness. Your soft smile, the feeling of your fingers intertwined with mine. Your lips on mine.

But that light in your eyes went out when the flame of our love burned down. Maybe not at the same time. Perhaps at the same second.

For so long love spelled out your name, so that when we broke up I continued to look for a love like ours. I looked for someone like you when I met other guys, trying to see if they had the same humour as you. I looked for you at airports hoping maybe I would run into you. I looked for you when I looked at the stars, hoping you'd be looking too. I looked for you in people I talk with, maybe they sound a bit like you. But they don't. So I looked for you in people that aren't you, perhaps they knew how you were. But I don't dare ask, they would think I'm not over you and you don't need to know that.

What would you even do with that information. You'd put salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me. To be honest, you'd probably do nothing about it. That is probably what would hurt the most.

Nights on Facetime, you always knew I was there, I didn't

It usually takes some time before I drift into sleep

But sometimes I'd wake at night and realize you were gone

You'd go away and play on your Xbox. I couldn't reach to you from where I was

I had to wait.

I was always there for you but you weren't

I've always loved you, madly. But you didn't.

That's my tragedy. Yours was probably dating me.

And I wonder whether it's ironic or pathetic that both of our breakups happened on video chat. If you somehow decided that's how you would end us. Maybe you have weird thoughts and like the pattern. Or whatever.

You were a sky full of stars

I was a fallen star, a rising star, a nebula

Bound to implode, to collapse, to shatter into a million pieces of star dust ready to reach the black hole of emptiness